Stumped Socceroo

Dear Dr T,
                 I, like many others, was overjoyed to hear the news that FIFA had changed its rules for World Cup qualification, granting automatic entry to Australia. Alright so it's technically the top Oceania team that goes through, but if we can't knock over a team of tubby Tongans or rag-tag bunch of Kiwis, who can we beat?
I was determined to be part of history in 2006 and use whatever opportunity I could to sharpen my soccer skills. Even an extended bushwalk was no excuse not to keep practising; on a long otherwise empty section of beach I found a ball attached to a rope. Just to show the others in the group that I too could bend it like Beckham, I took careful aim, a long run-up, then booted it as far as I could towards Mallacoota. It moved about 5cm and my f&%$ing foot broadcast shockwaves of pain for the next half hour. I had a swelling that Pele would have been envious of, that is if it was in a part of the body other than the right big toe. I was worried I might never walk again, let alone make the Socceroos. It looks so easy on TV, what am I doing wrong?
                              Yours painfully, Diego Sissodona

Dear DS,
              First sex-therapy and now I'm expected to be Frank bloody Farina - is there anything people out there don't want to ask me? I think I can shed light on your problem however. According to FIFA, a regulation soccer ball weighs 440g, has a 64 cm circumference, a leather skin and is hollow on the inside. What you kicked was also about 64cm in circumference, but with a hard plastic skin and even more solid plastic on the inside, weighing a few kilograms, in short a fishing buoy. My tip is to quit while you're still in one piece and don't be tempted to show off whatever ability you may have at headballs.
                                 Dr T

PS: I don't think this is what FIFA had in mind when they gave Oceania a place. Don't let them find out what you've been up to or they might reconsider their decision.