Timing Problems

Dear Dr Telemark,
                            There is a rather sensitive matter on which I am hoping you can offer me some advice. Relations with my girlfriend have been somewhat discordant lately; she expects the full 1812 Overture, but the cannon keeps going off after the first few bars. I've tried waving my baton in lots of different ways but none of them have resulted in much of an ovation; can you recommend any techniques to better orchestrate my performance?
Name and address supplied, Altona

Dear (you know who you are),
                                           Sorry to hear about your problem, but unfortunately I'm not a doctor of, um, musicology. The best I can offer is my standard advice, which is to slide one foot forward, bend the front knee at right angles, keep your upper body facing downhill, and if your pole-length is adjustable then make it as short as possible.

Good luck!
Dr Telemark

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