Veterans Wives Group

Sylvia's story

Our group was formed in April 2001 by a small group of ladies who felt that there was a need for wives of Vietnam Veterans to have a venue to meet and feel free to share each other's company. It was called Vets’ Wives’ but has been confused with veterinarians wives, hence the name change.

It is not a place where we sit and ‘bag’ the fellas, but it is somewhere that we know that we can sit and talk openly and understand where we are coming from without going into a lot of detail. Sometimes it only takes a small comment for us to realise that one of our ladies is having a hard time, and to let her know that we are there to support her. We have a number of widows in our group who support each other well, and help others who are in difficult situations, or recently widowed.

Why do we feel that we are a group who needs support?

When our men came home, they got on with their lives as they were told to do, and indeed encouraged by society, family and friends to do!

Think now, how we would be if it were our sons, from 19 years old on!

They often left a war zone today, to be back at home the next day, to a society that did not want to know them or the war they represented.

In my case I was just happy to have my man home; sadly, in my happiness and youth I didn’t have any idea what he had just walked away from the day before he had been in a war zone in a combat situation, and his group had actually lost a trooper in the last week he was in Vietnam.

In that period there was no counselling for the soldiers or anyone after major trauma. And they were all subjected to trauma, whether they were in Administration in Saigon, or out in battles for most of their time ‘in county’. They were trained to fight to kill, in an environment that was foreign and the enemy was difficult to identify. They were never debriefed, or helped to let go of what they were taught! Many of them were ‘Nashos’, National Servicemen who had been chosen by a birthdate on a marble pulled out of a barrel by a politician. They were too young to vote (as the age to vote at that time was 21), but old enough to go to a foreign land to fight and possibly die for their country. If they did not go in the army they went to jail. No choices in those days! The public and indeed families were very indoctrinated and believed what the Government was doing was right (at the time). In the first few days the guys were very jumpy, if a car backfired they hit the ground fast. Many are still not able to tolerate fireworks.

At home if we went to a party, someone would ask the inevitable question 'Did you kill anyone?' We stopped going to parties!

Some of us are still married (because we are pig headed I guess! but mostly because underneath the aggression, loud voices and control situations, there is a special guy who has had a hard time, and sadly is still trying to handle it). Many are separated, divorced, widowed, married a second, third or fourth time. Whatever our situation, we have all been exposed to the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that has in many cases ruled and possibly ruined both our lives and our children’s.

In many cases these fellas are control freaks, but in the nicest possible way. It is to protect us from the things they are unable to control. Our kids have not had the same freedom as many others, as the Vet has to keep them safe and help them to have friends who will not lead them into dangerous situations. It is hard to avoid the conflicts between dads and kids when they are older and able to stand up for themselves. Mother can no longer walk the fine line of keeping the peace, which is very difficult and upsetting. It was common to keep the kids quiet and out of dad's way when he came home, as the slightest thing - sound, phonecall, whatever - could set off a burst of anger, and the problems that follow.

It is no wonder many marriages foundered.

Alcohol has had a large impact on the lives of many veterans' families; it can set the scene for many arguments and worse. It is a form of forgetting and helping them to avoid their nightmares when they sleep at night, but is a major nightmare for families. Many of the guys are ‘Mr Niceguy’ in public, but get them at home with their families and it is another situation. A situation that is kept quiet by the family to keep up appearances, in some cases even extended (parents, siblings) family members are unaware of the home life.

What about our kids?

My hope is that they find ways to relate to each other, to discuss what they have been through, that they are able to find a forum for themselves to work through how they have survived and succeeded in forming lives for themselves. These kids are so resilient, what they have survived has made them able to face and deal with anything life throws at them, if they have the right support.

They are able to access the Vietnam Veterans Counselling Service, but sadly most do not. I guess a lot of us see that as admitting there is a problem; perhaps if they can meet others like-minded as we do, they will realise how well they have survived, and that sometimes we do need a little professional help.

Many of the kids leave home early, marry, and go overseas to find themselves, commonly the eldest in the family. And who can blame them, they know something is not right, but do not understand what their father has been through, because it has never been discussed, and they are unaware that there are many families that have been going through the same thing as them, and they are not alone.

Let’s hope that they can discuss the situation with someone who understands, and in time with their dad. These guys are getting old, more mellow and in a number of cases ill - reach out before it is too late!

(Sylvia, May 2002)

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