Veterans Wives Group

Sue S.'s story

Until September 2002, I had no idea what impact the Vietnam War had had, on my husband Tony, our relationship and our two sons.

Tony served in Vietnam with the Engineers at Nui Dat in 1969/70.

He had never indicated to me that he had issues as a result of his time there. Although I often queried him on the fact, his standard answer was: "No I don't have any issues" - "Nothing happened" - "I'm fine".

Although he is a very loving and caring person, there was another side to Tony that I didn't become aware of until September 2002. I knew that something was wrong, but I had always thought that "It was me". I adjusted to his mood swings and strange behaviours, which I have discovered is what all Vietnam Wives do.

It was just previous to that date in September that my youngest son wanted to discuss with me, his relationship with his father. He felt disillusioned and truly believed that his father was not interested in him. "Dad only talks about what he knows, he doesn't seem to be able to talk to me, he shows no interest in me. It has to be done Dad's way."

I had some thoughts then, that maybe there is more to the Dad that we know; that maybe he has suffered in his life, something that we don't know about.

Jason felt uncomfortable coming to our home, his home; he didn't really want to spend time with his Dad. When he did come over, he left feeling depressed and sad.

How was I supposed to tell Tony that his son doesn't want to come over any more?

Some close friends of ours stopped in to spend some time with us on their way back to Perth WA. Rob and Tony had spent their time together in Vietnam. We always caught up with Rob and Gae whenever we were in WA or they were here in Vic.

Rob had noticed a big change in Tony. Rob saw things that I didn't. I dismissed it yet again. When they left, they also left for us a copy of a small book, "I thought it was just me".

Well I read it, and the bells started ringing. This was exactly like Tony. It wasn't me after all. Not that I am looking to hang blame, I needed to know what was wrong with our family. Of course Tony didn't want anything to do with the book. So I left it lying on the coffee table. Went to work, thinking nothing more of it. He rang me later in the morning, to tell me he had just been talking to a counsellor from Vietnam Veterans for over two hours. I was, to say the least, absolutely speechless.

Another dear friend of mine was aware of the Vietnam Ringwood Ladies Group, and put me in contact with Sylvia Condon.

Each of the ladies has made me feel very welcome and for this I am truly grateful. They have shared their stories with me and listened and supported me.

My husband and I now attend Vietnam Veterans Counselling together, and together we have been fortunate enough to begin the next chapter of our lives as partners and not as individuals, as we did before.

One more thing:

Our youngest son is thrilled that his Dad has 'come out'.

My eldest son has lost the 'chip' off his shoulder. He had been our troublesome child, our angry, sad child. He had always believed that he had been the one that caused his Dad to be so angry. Yet none of us realised what Tony had been through.

We all have a long way to go, but we have started the journey together.

I am so proud of Tony for the changes he has made and continues to make.

Sue S.

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