Concealer

 

I am a makeup artist. My job is to transform people. I turn them into what they want to be.

Actually, that’s not quite true. I change them so that they look like what they want to be, which is of course not the same. I deal with their surfaces, though it’s a very intimate process. People talk of closeness with their hairdresser, who stands behind them, touching their hair. I stand in front and touch that most intimate of places, the face. Impossible not to make a connection, to feel things coming up through the point of contact where the skin on the face meets the skin of my sensitive fingertips. So I feel things, I know things, but I am discreet. I have a certain reputation. I never ask questions.

So you could say I acted out of instinct. But it was instinct based on a great deal of experience and a sensitive touch.

You might be surprised at the requests I get. Women, of course, and girls. I can make a twelve year old look thirty, and a thirty year old look…well, eighteen. Men, too. High flying corporate types who want to look different – perhaps younger, when coming up against a younger competitor - but insist that no-one ever guess they are wearing makeup. Right through to the most outrageous of transvestites - though they usually prefer to do their own, sometimes they come for a lesson, or if they want to achieve a particular look. There is a wide range between these extremes. At my age, with my history and my current profession, I can truly say very little shocks me.

Usually my clients are seeking mainly to deceive themselves, though I have hidden the odd love-bite in my time. Usually harmless stuff, or at least matters that fall within the parameters of normal life. Love, loss, denial, seeking, deceiving. Usually.

I do not advertise. My clients are all word of mouth. I prefer it that way. I sit in my front parlor and they come to me with their requests, some simple, some more…exotic. I ask very little, though some are keen to talk. I prefer the honesty of touch to the interpretation of words. I don’t ask how they found me. But find me they do.

So I thought nothing of it went the phone rang, a new client. Even when he asked questions about how close together the appointments were, whether he could have the last one for the day, and so on. Many of my clients are anxious about this at first. They don’t want to run into anybody on the way out. As usual, I subtly assured him that my appointments were spaced far enough apart that he need not fear unwelcome confrontations. I gave him the address. I have to be very explicit with first-timers, telling them to look for the little gravel road that runs off what looks like a dead-end street ending at the creek.  It is quite dark, but I have always liked looking down to the creek across the dirt and stones. I like the sound of the water and the coolness of the air rising off it on a warm night.

But he found his way alright. He had requested an evening appointment and promptly at eight I heard his wheels on the gravel. I had not long finished a small group of teenage girls going off to their formal, and the house still smelled of their perfume and excitement. They had gone out into the night like princesses in the their long floaty dresses and sparkly jewelry and high heels. I suspected that the moment they stood up and saw themselves transformed from schoolgirls to fresh young beauties would be the highlight of their night. I smiled as I swept a little bit of clutter with my straw broom.

The man rang the bell and I answered.

‘Hello, Lou,’ I said with a small smile. He looked a little nervous, but that was not unusual either. I led him into my little front room – not much more than an enclosed porch, really. But I have made it pretty with two comfortable chairs, some tea and coffee things on a table, a soft lamp. Then through the archway is another room with my proper makeup chair and my bright mirrors and my shelves of magic potions. I find people are more comfortable to sit in the darker room first to discuss their…needs.

Lou refused tea and coffee. He seemed to have decided to get it over with quickly. ‘I want to look like a woman,’ he blurted.  I inclined my head. ‘Of course.’ As always, I speak the minimum. Sometimes telling people that their requests are not unusual makes them more uncomfortable. Sometimes the whole point is that they want to be unusual. Sometimes they have sectioned off their mind so that they still judge other people who indulge in the same behaviour they are indulging in themselves. Often, in fact, the people who hate difference the most do so because they see a little of themselves in the people they despise. Best not to get into it. People’s motives are their own business.

 ‘What kind of look were you after?’

He had, as it turned out, a very particular look in mind. Not the usual. As a general rule, men getting in touch with their feminine side want to look as feminine as possible and I sometimes have to gently dissuade them from too much eyeshadow or too bright a shade of lipstick. But Lou did not want that. I led him into the other room and set to work.

An hour later I asked ‘How’s that?’ I may modestly say I have never been too disappointed in the reply to my question. I pride myself on having a sensitivity to people’s needs to match my skills with my coloured liquids and creams.

We looked together into the mirror. After a very close shave I had evened out Lou’s skin tone with a natural look foundation, which perforce I had to apply quite heavily, and then just enough blush to give him a little warmth. I added some eyeshadow in natural tones, and lengthened and thickened his eyelashes. Some mousse in his black hair – long for a man but shortish for a woman - to give it a tousled look. Eyebrows tidied up but not too thin. Nose and chin refined by a bit of careful shading. A bit of lip gloss over just a smidgen of colour. The man who had come through the door was transformed into a woman – a natural woman, perhaps a bit masculine.

Lou gave a small smile. ‘Perfect’. I felt a chill. I had spent the time focussing on the task at hand. It always takes a bit more concentration the first time, getting to know the tones and textures of a client’s skin, the thickness of their lips, the shadows of their hair. But as I worked I had felt uneasy. Not something I could put words to. Words are so inadequate, don’t you think? Just a tingling as if my fingers were in contact with something unsavoury.

Now I looked into his eyes. The excitement in them had a nasty edge, something I had never seen before. He caught my glance.

‘We do what we have to do,’ he said. ‘It’s not about pleasure.’ He paid me – in cash, as I expected – put his leather jacket on over his jeans and T-shirt, and left. I stood at my door and watched the lights of his car disappear down the creek road, with his money still warm in my hand.

But soon one of my favourite customers arrived.  This woman had a pact with her husband that once a year they would transform themselves almost unrecognisably and pick each other up in a bar. Each year was a new challenge and we both thoroughly enjoyed the experience. ‘Hi,’ she cried as she got out of the car. ‘This year I thought I’d really fool him – I’m going to dress up as a man!’ I had to laugh. I quietly hoped Lou would not become a regular, and put him out of my mind.

He did come back though, and I liked it less and less. As I said, it is impossible to stand there for an hour touching someone’s face without getting an feeling for them. And I did not like him. There was a coldness in his eyes matched by a coldness in his blood as it pulsed under my fingertips. He became impatient for me to finish, an ugly excitement quickening his breath and the cruel smile made more abhorrent by the cherry gloss on his thin lips. We spoke little and I was always glad, though uneasy, when he left.

 

‘Serial Killer Fear’ said the headline. I buy a lot of magazines, from the high-end fashion kind for the products, to the tabloids for the latest looks in starlets. There, in one of the more sensational ones, was an article about the murders. I had heard bits and pieces about the first murder. I don’t watch the news but I like to have the radio on through the day and it was in the news bulletins. I prefer not to think about the nastier aspects of human nature so I always turned it off. But there had been a murder of a second woman. As with the first, it was a young woman, single, who lived alone but liked going out.  Something troubled me about the reports, an uneasy nameless disturbance at the back of my mind. I looked at the magazine pictures again. Neither of the victims were clients, I never forget a face, but I was studying them closely and jumped when the doorbell rang. It was Lou. I do not normally lose track of the time and was uncommonly flustered as I let him in. We went straight to the makeup room – I knew what he wanted by now. But as we walked through he saw the magazine open on the little table. He looked sharply at me, then away.

Unusually, when I had almost finished his face, he spoke.

‘Very quite place you’ve got here. Dark. Isolated. You’d never guess you were so close to town. I’m surprised you live here.’

I hesitated, my fingers deep in icy cold cream.

‘Oh, I like it,’ I said.

‘Anything could happen here. No one would ever know. Not for ages.’

My mouth was dry. I wanted to say I was perfectly capable of looking after myself. But I didn’t want to inflame the situation. So instead I took a light tone.

‘And what a shame that would be. Who could make you look so perfect?’

He took his eyes from mine and looked at himself in the mirror. He gave a small smile.

‘There are always others,’ he said. ‘Any type of women, there are always more.’ He looked almost weary.

After he had gone I read the article again. I checked the dates against my appointment book. I considered my options. I prefer not to get involved with police. Like many of my customers, I have had my own share of…shall we say, youthful indiscretions. Nothing bad of course, a few vices that hurt no one but myself, a couple of unconventional (and, absurdly, less than legal) career options.  A not entirely unblemished record. Besides, all I had was a couple of dates and an uneasy feeling. And if they took me seriously – well, imagine my business if word got out I was setting the police after my customers. Especially if I was wrong. I could do nothing. And, as we do, I talked myself out of my suspicions and got on with my work.

 A couple of days later I went to the greengrocers. I love to stroll up to the shops with my basket to do my shopping. I am old-fashioned, I know. I am not ignorant of the modern world, the developments in technology that mean you can order your food and pay for it and have it delivered without ever having touched it yourself. And I know people are busy with careers and children and so on. But I prefer to wander up to the fruit and vegetable shop, prod the eggplant, sniff the melons, see what looks good today. What tempts me. With only myself to see to I can indulge this. The apples looked particularly good, with those crisp red skins that you know will be juicily white inside. I put some into a bag for eating, and some Granny Smiths to make a pie in a separate bag. The greengrocer is a charming young man with blond-tipped hair who pretends to flirt with me, and I pretend to be flattered. I was pondering exactly what broccolini might be and whether I might try some, and didn’t notice the news has come on the little radio he keeps near his counter until he said ‘Tsk,’ and shook his head.

‘I beg your pardon,’ I smiled, not sure what he has said.

‘Those poor girls,’ he said.  ‘Another one murdered’.

I dropped the green vegetable on to the floor.

‘What?’ I asked faintly.

‘Another murder. Just twenty, this last one. Throat cut. Poor thing, what a way to go.'

I muttered something, paid for my apples, left the shop without anything else.

I hurried home and sat in my front room, looking out at the creek, until a knock on the door startled me. A client, a young girl, Emma, a pretty young thing excited about her formal. She came in, hair already elaborately done, her mother smiling, carefully holding a beautiful blue-green filmy dress over her arm. I got out the foundation and stroked it over her face, blending it down over her throat. My fingers stroked down and she tilted her chin and closed her eyes. I could feel the blood pulsing through her soft young skin. Such a young, soft, vulnerable throat. And when finished, transformed, excited, so looking forward to the rest of her life. All those lovely young girls out there, fluttering around like butterflies. I could not bear to think of them so unprotected. Something must be done.

 

When Lou came for his next appointment, I noticed a healed scratch down the side of his face.

‘Damned cat,’ he said. ‘But I had it put down. I won’t tolerate that sort of defiance.’ He looked at me again.

I put concealer on it and continued with my work. I had made my plans and had everything ready. I didn’t want him to notice anything different.

‘Now just close your eyes,’ I said. My heart pounded but my hands and breath were steady. If he noticed anything different he did not mention it. I worked quickly and carefully and was soon finished. When he left I wondered if I had made the biggest mistake of my life, and if so how I would pay.

 

It was in the newspapers the next day. Killer Caught. Woman Fights Off Attacker. There was a photo of Lou, details of how he dressed as a woman went to girl bars to pick up his victims. How this time the girl had realised his ploy and screamed, got help. No mention of my…contribution, but I guessed that certain information would be kept secret for purposes of the trial. But after he was convicted and put away, there was a long piece in the Sunday newspaper. Talking about his childhood, analysing why he did it and so on. How he was motivated by a twisted, savage prejudice against women in general and lesbians in particular, a prejudice that drew him to imitate those he wanted to destroy. There was an interview with the young woman who had fought him off. ‘It was weird,’ she said in the article. ‘He had gone to all that trouble to look like a woman. But then when he closed his eyes to kiss me I saw ‘RUN and ‘NOW’ written in red across his eyelids. And I saw a line down the side of his face, like a stripe, with no makeup, just this coarse skin and bits of stubble. It freaked me out completely. I jumped up just as he was reaching to grab me.’ The woman was strong and fit, and with the advantage of a bit of forewarning, had fought Lou off until help came.

The article went on to talk to psychologists and so on about why he would do this, was it to give his victims a last chance, or to taunt them, or to justify himself. I was a little put out that they thought he was doing such a good job with his own makeup and never bothered to check if he was seeing a professional. But I didn’t bother to correct them, or talk to the police. He was caught, and done away with, and that was all that mattered. As I said, I prefer to remain discreet.

You may think I am worried about when he gets out. As he himself pointed out, my little cottage is dark, and isolated. But twenty-five years is a long time. In one way or another, I doubt I will still be here. And one thing is certain - by that time, I will look very, very different.

 Kerry Munnery 2003