Is Your Divorce Beginning Now?
READ THIS FIRST AID KIT!
Divorce Tips Checklist
List of Links to Helpful Information on
Divorce
You are in grave danger of Losing
One of the most effective methods of gaining custody and property is laying crimminal charges against the husband. Once the charges are laid, the husband is more worried about staying out of jail than winning a divorce war. This diversion allows the ex to agressively take possession of the children and kick the husband off the property. "Custody and control" of children is critial to winning in court!
If you don't act now, the wound may get worse. For most men, it's the first time such a massive shock has hit them -- they're off balance, reeling. Those persons who have hurt them are probably preparing to take advantage of this imbalance to get in another shot.
No matter how stable the situation now seems, no matter what other advice you've received, the clock is running faster than you think. YOU MUST ACT NOW! This First Aid Kit has been assembled by men who have survived the same crisis you're now enduring -- your problem isn't unique. By recognizing the predictable aspects, you can take control of the situation, but you must DO IT NOW!
If your wife is taking the initiative in a "no-fault" divorce, consider the inevitability of a divorce. She has absolute, unstoppable power to do it to you. Seize that initiative yourself. Get an attorney RIGHT NOW, and file as plaintiff yourself. If you want custody of your children, convince your attorney to get an ex-parte order granting you temporary custody, effective immediately, and pursue making that order permanent.
Many men, in a misguided attempt to stop the divorce have signed documents which their attorneys later found impossible to break. Men have, in the first day, even hours of despair, signed away all their property, their children, their rights.
It's yours, too. If at all possible, keep the children with you in the family home. Not only will this be the most emotionally stabilizing thing to do for your children, it will help immeasurably in obtaining permanent Custody, if you want it. Once the children and home are no longer directly under your control, your chances of getting either back drop drastically. If a babysitter/housekeeper is needed, do whatever you need to do to provide one. These few days or months may be crucial in later proving to a judge that you are the more responsible, caring, capable of the two parents.
She may have finagled an order throwing you out of your own home, seizing or freezing your assets, etc. Don't let someone talk you into collapsing now under the weight of such common tactical burdens. You must fight such orders when they are fresh.
Listen for phrases like, "You don't have much of a chance for Custody", "Let her have it (property or custody) now, we'll get it back later", "You don't have to be present at the hearing", etc. Beware! Such statements are indicative of attorneys not skilled in representing the man successfully, or possibly just out to get what they can, with no real intent of fighting what is, for nearly every man, the more difficult side of the case. If, for any reason, you suspect that you're not getting the strongest advocacy possible, seek another lawyer.
Nobody is ever really prepared for the expense of legally seeking his rights, but no matter what your financial situation, now is not the time to be cheap. You'll lose much more in the long run. Most lawyers will take a woman's case on the expectation that you'll lose, and have to pay them, too. You don't have that presumption, and may have to come up with "front money", and eventually dip into your assets. If you want Custody, it could cost you $20,000 or more if the fight becomes vicious.. Stop. Think. What is important to you now? What will be important to you years later, when all this has been cast in cement? If you have assets and income which she could consume for legal expenses, can you secure these yourself?
It is common for women to be counseled to charge the husband criminally with
assault under the wife abuse or child abuse laws. If the allegations are
false, this sets up a lose-lose situation. The husband is pressured by the
threat of jail and is offered a plea bargain, the crown suggesting that there
will only be a "slap on the wrist" with counseling and probation.The wife
gains early control by destroying the husband's standing to the court and
may never intend to attend counselling or heal the marriage.
"Abuse counselors" will suggest to the husband that if the husband will agree
to counseling the family may be salvaged. If the husband agrees to the
counseling, the man then is assumed to have beaten his wife. The counselors
may not intend to reunite the family. The hope is offered as a tool to get
the man into counseling. Once in "counseling" the man is convicted by
association.
"Abuse counselors" often force the clients to sign an agreement allowing
the counselors to disclose all that is said to authorities and social workers.
If the man claims innocence in "counseling", he is then deemed resistant
to counseling and this is what enters the records.
Reputable Counsellors that are committed to both men and women can be a great ally in defusing conflict and acting as mediators. Professional counsellors that are familiar with the tactics of divorce and alienation of children can quickly help you identify if there is manipulation of children or allegations. A qualified professional that accurately identifies agressive and damaging actions by your ex can help you cope with the situation.
You need every bit of support you can get now, from your family, friends, the Fathers' Rights movement, your Lawyer, Neighbors, public opinion, your employer, your banker, minister, physician. Your wife previously provided your emotional support. You're going to need right now from friends and family for she has withdrawn from your life..
She is, unfortunately, an adversary, being advised by an attorney with only her interests in mind. Be courteous, but don't let the natural tendency of most men to be "gentlemen" destroy your future happiness. You may still care for her, but she's picked up a weapon far more powerful than even she may recognize -- the Divorce Court and its practitioners. You must understand that lawyers have a vested interest in billing for services. It is in the lawyers financial interest to create as many documents as possible to keep the billings high. Many unethical lawyers create upsetting documents that do not address the issues of property settlement or maintaining a relationship with the children. Instead, many court papers consist of namecalling and allegations intending to cause you distress so you will give up everything to avoid the emotional pain.
Resist your wife's provocations to irrational or even violent reaction; she may have been advised by a lawyer or her friends to make you look like the "bad guy" in court. Consider the consequences of everything you put into writing, everything you say to her on a possibly recorded phone or in the presence of witnesses.
If you've progressed beyond the stage where this advice is directly useful to you, don't despair. There is hope at every phase of the process.)
For the sake of your children, your future sanity and both of your future
financial stability, it is better to negotiate a reasonable agreement in
the initial stages of the conflict, than to prolong legal conflict in the
adversarial court system.
If possible, seek out a mediator who can work with both of you to reach a
fair arrangement to preserve stability for all involved.
Keep the non-legal lines of communication open at all times so that the lawyers
cannot play one against the other and an alternative solution can be reached
at any time. Remember, this is your life and you will live with all decisions
other people may try to make for you. Make the decisions yourself!
Do all that you can not to include the children in the conflict as this can
destroy the children's stability.
Keep talking to the children and reassuring them that you are doing all that
you can to help preserve their friendships and community and family
relationships.
Do not bad mouth your ex to the children as this is very destructive to the
children and to your future relationships.
Maintain a happy environment for the children so that they will not withdraw
from you because of the conflict. Children do not have the understanding
or the wisdom to sort out the cause of the family conflict. They react on
their understanding of their immediate needs.
Talk to people who are have gone through what you are facing and find out the resources available in the community to help you.
Learn if your ex is using "feminist" or "anti-family" counselors to develop her arguments to gain power and control.
Talk to people who do not have a financial advantage to encourage you to continue prolonging the court battles. They can give you ideas and directions that your lawyers may not give you.
Be innovative is seeking reasonable and workable solutions to hard problems. Do not get "stuck" on proving a point!
Pursue a two pronged strategy to solve the conflict:
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