"The little girl cries out within
Hold me Protect me
Nurture me
Be hear for me Please,
I am 25 years old, a mother since I was four.
I am an adult, but a scared and terrified 4 year old little girl within I struggle with life, with life decisions.
I yearn and I always hoped that my mother would nurture and support me
BE THE MOTHER.
But my dreams and hopes of her are shattered.
I'm a little girl alone.
Struggling to find herself."
"I have a schizophrenic mother." "The Depths of my soul lay open will she let me go? let me go of our past The past holds me of the madness and the darkness I survived. The emptiness of my soul that I have been left with scares me, of my own sanity.
I question it!
I Pray I will not turn out like her."

Samantha.
Copyright NNAAMI April 1997. no printing or reprinting or distribution of this document without the expressed Authority of NNAAMI.
NNAAMI member Australia

Desperation

The ambulance siren screams
some one is getting help
the tears fall
who is going to help me
I'm desperate
with no where to run to
know one who knows
or cares
who can I tell
who would believe me
your making it up
they would say
no mother would
want to kill her daughter
couldn't be true
you must have dreamt it
perhaps if I'm really good
I'll try harder
then she might love me.

Betty Petterson NNAAMI member Australia.

I found these poems in,
The Adult Children Of Alcoholics publication.
Author Janet Woititz (Betty Petterson)

Searching Eyes

Jannet Woititz
Adult Children of Alcoholics

Victor Hugo

Searching and Knowing

Koali - NNAAMI member Australia, 19 / 5/ 97
Part Published in Melbourne Age
Resighted at nnaami National Seminar

Kitchen Table Wisdom

Rachel Naomi Remen MD
Kitchen Table Wisdom

MOON

Koali 2000. NNAAMI member Australia

Life is a Mess

Koali 2000. NNAAMI member Australia

You Say

Koali 13 /9/ 97 NNAAMI member Australia

Frantic Footsteps

It's that time again, for frantic footsteps, and tight eyes with intensity.

Her sanity flees with stress, the season, and at the sight of a lemon tree.

Where does the spirit go when the mind can no longer take care of it?

I like to imagine it escapes to comfort, care, and love me, just as any good imaginary friend should.

While her body was left behind to scare, confuse and haunt me, just as any good lunatic could.

A secret hidden behind our family doors, sealed within our lips and deep within our hardened hearts.

To cry about it as a child only left me drowning in a puddle of my own tears.

All alone, to blame, and taught to keep in the pain and to hide the knee weakening fear. Because if she caught wind of what we truly believed about her, if we wept, it would surely be that time again. For frantic footsteps.

Jennifer
California, USA

Mothering the Wounded Child

I know you're so scared little one,
Of all your hear and see,
Of screaming fights when day is done,
Of pain and injury!

No place to run, no one to care,
Thru each terrifying night,
What lies beyond the constant stare,
That leaves you with such fright!

You wish to be another's child,
Of a happy family,
The fantasies of your mind run wild,
You dream of what should be.

I've tried to find you for so long,
To bring you home with me,
To heal the wounds from what went wrong,
In childhood history.

I'll make a place inside my heart,
And love you constantly,
And just before the first tears start,
I'll hold you close to me.

Enfolded in my arms so strong,
I'll keep you safe from harm.
No matter what life brings along,
I'll be your lucky charm.

I'll speak of all the beauty,
I see inside your heart,
Your dancing eyes, your curiosity,
The smile that you impart.

And when life's problems get real tough,
And you're not sure what to do,
I'll let you know you have the stuff
Inside to see it through!

I'll tell you just how proud,
I am of all you try to do,
I'll be the first to cheer out loud,
When recognition's due.

I'll tell you each and every day,
Your loved just as you are,
In all you say and all you do,
No matter near or far,

You are a beauty, strong and smart,
Know through eternity,
You carry in your loving heart,
The very best of me!

Alivia
USA

Father Loss

I longed to have you take me in your arms,
to keep me safe,
To cherish my spirit,
Bring peace to my world..
I wish I could remember!

I longed to see reflected in your eyes
The beauty that was mine,
So that I could build a foundation that I owned,
Rather than one borrowed from the misperceptions of others?br/> I wish I could remember!

I longed to have you invite me in
To show me who you were,
So that I would know who I was,
Honor and celebrate my accomplishments..
I wish I could remember!

I longed to have you share with me,
A bigger picture of my world,
Affirm my potential, encourage my risk taking,
Bring understanding and value to my failures..
I wish I could remember!

I longed to have you protect the boundaries
Of my vulnerabilities,
So that I could trust to be open
To loving and being loved.
But you could not?
Because?
YOU COULD NOT REMEMBER!

Alivia
USA

Mother Never Known

The safe feeling when they embrace their
arms around you Mother Never Known the
warmth from a proud smile Mother Never
Known the gentle touch of their hands
Mother Never Known the ageless eyes as you
grow Mother Never Known yet the endless
tears throughout the years Mother Never
Known comfort from hair stroked Mother
Never Known anger overcome by love Mother
Never Known of mine I no longer now know;
love shadowed with the dust of time no
longer does the wind uncover it . . .

Chas McKeever, Iowa, USA

Love is?

LOVE IS BLIND LOVE
LOVE IS STRONG
LOVE GIVE'S ME THE STRENGTH
AND WHEN I SEE YOU I HIDE ALL
BECAUSE YOU'RE FROM THE DARKSIDE
ALL I REMEMBER IS CRYING MY INSIDE'S
SLOWLY DYING THOSE FIVE NIGHT'S
WE SPENT TOGETHER COME ON LOVE DO
YOU REMEMBER HOLDING MY HAND ASKING
FOR A SECOND CHANCE AS I GAZED A THE
NIGHT SKY KNOWING YOU WERE ASKING A LIE
ALL THIS TIME YOU DID ME WRONG I CAN'T BELIEVE
I LET YOU PLAY ME FOR SO LONG?
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY LOVE IS LIKE
A SONG AND ONCE IT'S GONE IT'S GONE

BY KAREN DIXON, GREAT BRITIAN

AS FREE AS

AS FREE AS
I CAN BE I ONLY
WANT TO BE ME
I'M WHAT I'M AND
THIS IS ALL I CAN BE
IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT
I DON'T CARE CAUSE
ALL MY LIFE YOU WAS NEVER
THERE YOU THINK IT'S ALRIGHT
TO PUSH AND SHOVE BUT IF I DID
IT BACK WOULD THAT BE ENOUGH
I'VE ALREADY CRIED AND ALMOST DIED
BUT WERE YOU THERE NO NOT EVEN ALL MY LIFE
YOU OPEN A DOOR AND CALL ME A HOE BUT I DON'T CARE
CAUSE THIS IS ME I'M WHAT I'M AND THIS IS ME
ALL I WANT IS TO BE FREE NO MORE LIE'S NO MORE GAMES
MY LOVE FOR YOU Where NEVER BE THE SAME
I'VE WAITED AND WAITED FOR YOU STOP PLAYING THIS GAME
I'M WHAT I'M AND THIS IS ME I WANT TO BE free AS CAN BE

BY KAREN DIXON, GREAT BRITIAN

PAPA

You push me to the ground, expecting me to get up every time.
There are no marks on me, no scars that you can see.
But I can tell you, the wounds inside would bring you to your knees.

My face is paralyzed, the tears have frozen.
Waiting for the day that they can run free.
Although I keep on moving, parts of me have been lost forever.

It's hard to breathe, even harder to wake up.
My heart is fighting not to stop, my head is confused.
My life has been stolen.

I'm still waiting for the light, still hoping for the happy ending.
Striving towards the goal, but for some reason I keep missing.
You always make me stand alone, stopping my arms from reaching.

Maybe one day I'm told I'll look back and smile, so much to be proud of.
You reap what you sow; right now it's hard to believe.
Everything has been destroyed; you've made it all so worthless.

For now I'll keep going, carrying your weight on my shoulders.
Your blood in my veins, my knees are buckling.
You're breaking my back, pulling me under.
The cracks are starting to show.

Yuyu

my 2nd poem - it's more of "rap"

A Death of Me (inner spirit) ?
When her sanity leaves, the family grieves, but what's worse, like a curse,
is when the mind hides behind a shell of soul, hateful and cold, with lies and stories told of a happy family,
and what's left in me is only the haunting shadows of the death of me.

Now I'm grown, on my own, but it's the memories of my mother's insanity that follow me.

I'm too scared to cry or shout, I fear her spirit still roams about, my guilt of a tortured soul she must be, catching only moments of clarity amongst a scattered tongue about her youngest selfish one.

My father sticking with the vows, until the end of time allows.
Unwilling to protect both, he's a devoted host to the fusion of reality and delusion.

I know he never caused it, but he did nothin' to stop it, and I'd rather just drop it,
but the anger is still riveting while I'm still revisiting her disdain for me.

Now mother, you are proud of me, well your not allowed to be,
You don't have the right to, because it was in spite of you,
that I survived just by keeping my own sanity alive.
You both ignored the damage you were doing. Such a good job of fooling.
Made life a game to place the blame
on the one without control, the one who was told
to play happy family...
...even if it caused a death of me.

Jennifer, California, US.
Thank you so much Mr. McKillop,