The History Of The Carlton Soccer Club 2000-2050

Michael Witheford looks into the future

2000

Carlton win the Ericcsson Cup final defeating Gippsland Falcons 4-0. The Falcons win their place in the final by a lotto draw, after South Melbourne make a late withdrawal. It transpires that the South secretary booked the end of season trip to Bali for the wrong week, and no-one notices until Lozzer, lounging on the equatorial beach in his Speedos and white boots, says to Stoner "I'm sure we forgot something, man"

2008

Carlton clone new signings Harry Kewell, Sol Campbell, and Zinedine Zidane, four times each, so the three players and their doppelgangers can occupy the ten outfield positions, and the bench. The regular Carlton squad take legal action and FIFA deems the move 'Against the spirit of the game.' Carlton GM Lou Sticca Jnr. says "It was worth a try. Some of the lads needed a kick up the bum." Adelaide Force accidentally clone 11 Alex Tobins and are fined by FIFA who order them to play all 11 Tobins at all times. Adelaide finish last.

2010

Carlton's new sponsor S.E.T.I, (the search for extra-terrestrial intelligence) decode the first message from Mars; it reads, "We fancy a game against an Earth team; send Carlton, not those monkeys from Bob Jane."

2012

Carlton reach Mars on the new Orion Interplanetary Star Cruiser. "Beats going to China again," says veteran David Terminello. FC Dynamo Chryse Planitia (Martian Champions) defeat Carlton 47-0, primarily due to a three hundred year evolutionary advantage which enables the Mars players to take free kicks at the speed of light, and also beam themselves to different areas of the ground, making close marking impossible. "Obviously they're a good side, " says Manager Andrew Marth. "But I think we could have defended better. It didn't help when Simon Colosimo did his knee falling over that piece of the 1976 Viking probe. And the boys are not used to playing on rock."

2020

Andy Cole apologises to Simon Colosimo.

2024

FIFA allows microchips to be inserted into players heads, so they can receive instructions without coaches having to use the old fashioned digital ear plugs. South lose their first game using the chips, 6-0 after the players tune them to Fox FM instead of coach "Old' Raul Blanco.

2028

Carlton sign David Beckham's three youngest sons, all named, like Brooklyn after their place of conception; Soweto, Wollongong and At Home Beckham are instant favourites. (David and Victoria finally divorce when the former Man United and AC Milan midfielder runs off with Britney Spears granddaughter.)

2032

Simon Colosimo's son Steven is cryogenically frozen for 13 years, on the orders of his father, now the club boss. A Martian soccer colleague, who can see the future in vivid detail warns Simon he'll need Steven to shore up the defence in 2045. Steven is told, no his girlfriend has to stay behind.

2036

Limited time travel is invented. Carlton apply for a 'backpass' to the year 1998, where FIFA (Federation Of Interplanetary Football Associations) sanction the 'Instant Vaporization' of referee Eugene Brazzale, before the 98 Ericcsson Cup final. Carlton deservedly win 2-1, after Con Boutsianis’s crude challenge on Sean Douglas is penalised, and from the resultant free kick Marco Bresciano nods home the winner.

2042

With crowds exceeding 250 000 for home games, Carlton decide to move from Lapsansky Stadium to the moon, in order to improve parking facilities, and increase stadium capacity. Since the trip to our only satellite, especially with a new model Nostromo Four Cylinder Edsel, only takes thirty minutes the supporters are mostly supportive. However initial low-orbit traffic jams over The Sea Of Tranquillity Soccerplex, cause temporary frustration. And windscreen washers in spacesuits hovering at red space lights are another problem.

2046

It is decided that since players can now all run 100 metres in 7 seconds, and bad injuries are thus more prevalent (broken legs can take up to fifteen minutes to be reset before the player returns to the action) that Holograms will replace the human forms of the players, just to be on the safe side. Players control their own hologrammatic images with the Sony 46 Play Station. Problems arise when the younger players keep swapping, and saying ÔGive us a go on yours.'

2050

Carlton win the Ericcsson Cup for a record 40th time, and have their first success in the Minor Division Solar-System Super Cup, defeating Athletico Pluto 5-1. Due to anti-aging advances, first experimented with in the 2020s, Carlton put the process to use for the first time. Goalscorers are Dave Macpherson, Steve Martin, Johnny Warren, Roberto Baggio and Brian Clough. The trophy is presented by a Klingon Warrior (they really exist you know).

 

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