英語笑譚

英語笑譚１

英語笑譚２

The end of the world

Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God.

During dinner, He told them, "I invited you here because I need three important people to

send my message out to all people : tomorrow I will destroy the earth.

After dinner, Boris Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them,

"I have two very bad news for you. 1. God really exists, and 2. Tomorrow he will

destroy the earth."

Clinton called an emergency meeting of Congress and told them, "I have good news and

bad news: the good news is that God really does exist, and the bad news is that

tomorrow he's destroying the earth."

Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and happily announced, "I have two fantastic

announcements. 1. I am one of the three most important people on earth, and 2. the Year

2000 problem is solved."

Thesis

Scene: It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow,

tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

Fox : "What are you working on?"

Rabbit : "My thesis."

Fox : "Hmm. What is it about?"

Rabbit : "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes." (incredulous pause)

Fox : "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes!"

Rabbit : "Come with me and I'll show you!"

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone,

the rabbit returns to his typewriter and resumes typing.

Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.

Wolf : " What's that you are writing?"

Rabbit : " I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves." (loud guffaws)

Wolf : " You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"

Rabbit : " No problem. Do you want to see why?"

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a

few minutes, and goes back to typing.

Finally a bear comes along and asks, "What are you doing?"

Rabbit : " I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat bears."

Bear : "Well that's absurd!"

Rabbit : "Come into my home and I'll show you!"

As they enter the burrow, the rabbit introduces the bear to the lion.

Moral: IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SILLY YOUR THESIS TOPIC IS. WHAT MATTERS IS WHO YOU HAVE FOR A SUPERVISOR.

Amusing Lables

ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESSERT - Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of

the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING - Product will be hot after heating.

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON - Do not Iron clothes on body.

ON BOOTS CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE - Do not drive car or operate machinery.

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID) - Warning: may cause drowsiness.

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE - Warning: keep out of children.

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS - For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR - Not to be used for the other use.

ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS - Warning: contains nuts.

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS - Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW - Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

ON THE INSTRUCTIONAL MANUAL FOR A CANON CAMERA(circa 1966) - "Do not rattle

play fully at the shutter button."

ON A PACKET OF SUNMAID RAISINS - Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?

ON A HAIRDRYER - Do not use while sleeping.

ON A BAG OF FRITOS - You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP - Directions: Use like regular soap.

ON A FROZEN DINNER AT HOME - Serving suggestion: Defrost.

ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX - fits one head.

ON A RICOH DYELINE PRINTING MACHINE (1960'S) - "To lighting lamp, pushing button. If lamp

are not lighting, button are to be kept pushing"

ON A FLEX AUTO RADIATOR FAN - Turn Off Engine Before Installing!

英語笑譚２