Microsoft Haiku

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry, each with three unrhymed lines of five, seven, and five syllables.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
Can not be located but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao-until
You bring fresh toner.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Dear Abby

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a midddle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Curious

Dear Abby,
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own religion?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.

Dear Abby,
My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like?
Carol
Dear Carol,
Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

Dear Abby,
Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?
Wondering
Dear Wondering,
The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.

Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
Sam
Dear Sam,
Yes. Run for public office.

Dear Abby,
I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.
Rose
Dear Rose,
So would I.

Dear Abby,
What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
Bess
Dear Bess,
Night and day.

Ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day

1. Get ahead faster in the corporate world.
2. Get a blow job.
3. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
4. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
5. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
6. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
7. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
8. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
9. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
10. Repeat number 2.

Ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day

1. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
2. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
3. See if they could finally do the splits.
4. See if it's truly possible to launch a table tennis ball 20 feet.
5. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
6. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
7. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
8. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
9. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too....
10. Finally find that damned G-spot

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Famous Sporting Quotes:

"Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand."
(Ted Lowe)

"And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago"
(David Coleman)

"Once Tony Daley opens his legs you've got a problem"
(Howard Wilkinson)

"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs"
(David Coleman)

"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite"
(Murray Walker)

After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought"
(Bobby Robson)

"And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand"
(David Coleman)

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country"
(Ian Rush)

"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play"
(Peter Lorenzo)

"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised"
(Ian McNail)

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat"
(Ron Atkinson)

"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost"
(Frank Bruno)

"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes."
(David Coleman)

"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people"
(David Coleman)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical"
(Murray Walker)

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel"
(Stuart Pearce)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"
(Greg Norman)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of hem serious"
(Alan Minter)

"Watch the time -it gives you an indication of how fast they are running"
(Ron Pickering)

"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers"
(Murray Walker)

"Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales"
(Ron Greenwood)

"A brain scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin"
(Jo Sheldon)

"The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation"
(Ron Pickering)

"That's inches away from being millimetre perfect"
(Ted Lowe)

"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact I'm right behind him"
(Stuart Pearson)

"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right"
(Marlon Starling)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"
(Terry Venables)

"I can't tell who's leading - It's either Oxford or Cambridge"
(John Snagge - Boat Race)

"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests - absolutely round."
(Tony Cozier)

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You know you're getting old when.....

• You just watch Channel Nine.
• You prefer dark chocolate.
• You find Kraft cheese bland.
• You start to take notice of the weather bulletins, in fact you think 'Oh it's a good day for drying clothes'.
• You listen to youth radio and say 'All this music sounds the same.'
• The concept of backpacking no longer appeals.
• You start having sensible conversations with your parents.
• You find Coco Pops a little bit too sweet.
• You don't have dessert when you go out for dinner.
• McDonalds isn't a weekly meal.... and when you go you only have one Big Mac, not the usual three
• There's no chance of getting concession at the cinema.
• Bouncers don't ask for your ID any more.
• $1 pots no longer appeals.
• You have your favourite on 'Blue Heelers'.
• You've forgotten your HSC score.
• You don't feel the need to catch up with your old school friends anymore.
• You know how to cook more than baked beans on toast.
• The last party you went to was for your friend's three year old.
• You watch Recovery to keep up with 'young people's' music.
• The KFC bucket no longer appeals.
• You pay your bills on time and you get your bond back.
• You take an interest in renovations, gardening and the share market.
• You don't go straight to the porn when you log on to the internet.
• You don't shit yourself when you see a booze bus.
• You read the articles in the 'Good Weekend' magazine.
• You hear Bob Dylan on the radio and don't turn it off.
• You tell people to stop talking in the cinema.
• 'All you can eat' no longer appeals.

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Why Dogs are Better than Women.

• Dogs don't cry.
• Dogs love it when your friends come over.
• Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
• Dogs think you sing great.
• A dog's time in the bathroom is limited to a quick drink.
• Dogs don't expect you to call them when you're running late.
• The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
• Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
• Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
• Dogs are excited by rough play.
• Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
• Dogs understand that farts are funny.
• Dogs can appreciate excess body hair.
• Anyone can get a good looking dog.
• If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
• Dogs don't shop.
• Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
• A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
• Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
• A dog's parents never come to visit.
• Dogs love long car trips.
• Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
• When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
• Dogs like beer.
• Dogs don't hate their bodies.
• No dog ever bought a Kenny G. album.
• No dog ever put on fifty kilos after reaching adulthood.
• Dogs never criticize.
• Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
• Dogs never expect gifts.
• It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
• Dogs don't worry about germs.
• Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you have ever had.
• Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to your wallet, desk, or sock drawer.
• Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their life.
• Dogs would rather you buy them a hamburger than a lobster dinner.
• You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready 24 hours a day.
• Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
• Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
• Dogs never want a foot rub.
• Dogs enjoy sex in public.
• Dogs find it amusing when you are drunk.
• Dogs can't talk.
• Dogs aren't catty.
• Dogs seldom outlive you.

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Reproduced and adulterated without permission

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Signs you have a drinking problem:

• You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
• You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
• Work is interferring with your drinking.
• Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
• The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
• You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
• You can focus better with one eye closed.
• The car park seems to have moved while you were in the pub.
• Every woman you see has an exact twin.
• You fall off the floor...
• The glass keeps missing your mouth!
• John Howard starts to make sense.
• Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you [also mosquitoes!]
• You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
• The whole pub says 'Hi' when you come in...
• Every night you find your flatmate's cat more and more attractive.
• Jennie George looks good.
• You don't recognise your wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
• That damned pink elephant follows you home again.
• You have a Reserved Parking space at the bottle shop.
• You've fallen and you can't get up.
• Hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.
• The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.

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Reproduced and adulterated without permission

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You know you're working in the nineties when:

1. You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different organisations.
2. Your resume is on a floppy in your pocket.
3. You get really excited about a 2% pay rise.
4. You learn about your retrenchment on the evening news.
5. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes and games.
6. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
7. Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all of the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
8. It's dark when you drive to and from work.
9. Communication is something your section is having problems with.
10. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
11. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
12. Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
13. You're already late on the work task you just got.
14. You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"
15. Your supervisor's favourite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you."
16. Holidays are something you roll over to next year.
17. Your relatives describe your job as "works with computers".
18. You read this entire list and understood it.

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Reproduced and adulterated without permission

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Drug Dealers vs Software Developers

Drug Dealers	Software Developers
Refer to their clients as "users". "The first one's free!"	Refer to their clients as "users". "Download a free trial version."
Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff).	Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code).
Strange jargon (stick, rock, wrap, E, source, the pigs).	Strange jargon (SCSI, RTFM, packet, source, Microsoft).
Realise that there's tons of cash in the 14 to 25 year old market.	Realise that there's tons of cash in the 14 to 25 year old market.
Clients love your stuff when it works, want to kill you when it doesn't.	Clients love your stuff when it works, want to kill you when it doesn't.
Job assisted by industry producing newer, more potent product.	Job assisted by industry producing newer, more potent product.
Often seen with pimps, hustlers and low-life.	Often seen with marketing people, venture capitalists and fund managers.
When things go wrong, a "fix" is just a phone call away but may be expensive.	When things go wrong, a "fix" is just a phone call away but may be expensive.
A lot of successful people get rich in this industry while still teenagers.	A lot of successful people get rich in this industry while still teenagers.
Do your job well and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.	Damn! Damn! DAMN!

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Reproduced and adulterated without permission

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Running vs. Sex

	RUNNING	SEX
Useful Fabric	Coolmax	Latex
Best place to do it	Outdoors	Outdoors
Reasons to do it alone	High-Quality reflection time	Don't have to buy someone dinner
Length of typical session	30 to 60 minutes	30 to 60 seconds
Mystical connection	If done right, see God	If done right, say "God"
Teenager's view	When can I stop?	When can I start?
How to get better	Read about others	Watch others
Long timer's frequency	Daily	Monthly
Goal	Go faster	Go longer
Good shoes	Essential	Optional
Solution for tight leg	Take day off	Take clothes off
Body fat	Too much gets in the way	Too much gets in the way
Questionable source	Jim Fixx	Dr. Ruth of advice
Stretch	Frequently	Marks
Cross training Equipment	NordicTrack	Nordic Blonde
Ultimate goal	Peak at the right time	Peak at the right time
What to do between sessions	Have sex	Run

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If Coke Was Like Microsoft
After the recent Anti-trust hearings, Bill Gates recently compared the software market with the soft drink market. He says Microsoft is struggling to survive but that the beverage giant will be on top forever because the Department of Justice doesn't pick on them. Of course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We might end up with a scenario like the following:

Joe: (walking into McDonalds)	Hi, I'd like a Big Mac.
Cashier:	Okay, here's your Big Mac and here's your Coke. That'll be $3.99.
Joe:	Uh, I don't want a Coke
Cashier:	Sorry, they're bundled.
Joe:	What? I'm not paying for a Coke!
Cashier:	You don't; the Coke is free.
Joe:	But wasn't a Big Mac $2.49 last week?
Cashier:	Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative. It's got integrated Coke!
Joe:	I already bought a Pepsi next door. I'm not going to drink the Coke.
Cashier:	Then you can't have the burger.
Joe:	Okay, fine, I will pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away.
Cashier:	Oh, you can't do that. They're seamlessly integrated. Totally inseparable.
Joe:	How can that be? They're two totally separate things!
Cashier:	No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke) See?
Joe:	Why did you just do that?!
Cashier:	It's a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise you'd end up with two different, inconsistent tastes. This way you're assured of a continuous taste across all your foods.
Joe:	Aaarrgh!

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Borrowed from the RPH3 run sheet

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Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin (I think that's in America) put together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list (1999): (Given the editing I had to do on this list, I hope that the English teachers had nothing to do with it - for the students' sake.)

1. The people who are starting college this autumn across America were born in 1980.
2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and did not know that he had ever been shot.
3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as is the Great Depression.
5. There has been only one Pope. They can only really remember one American president.
6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and they do not remember the Cold War.
7. They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a film.
8. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up or what Tiananmen Square means.
9. Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
10. They never had a Polio vaccination. It is unlikely that they know what it is.
11. Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have always been plastic.
12. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl records.
13. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
14. They have never owned a record player.
15. It is unlikely that they have ever played Pac Man or even heard of Pong.
16. Star Wars looks very fake to them; the special effects are pathetic.
17. There have always been red M&Ms, and blue ones are not new. What do you mean there used to be beige ones?
18. They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are that they never have actually seen or heard one.
19. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
20. They have always had an answering machine.
21. Most have never seen a black and white television set.
22. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.
23. They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
24. They were born the year that the Walkman was introduced by Sony.
25. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
26. Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.
27. They never swam and thought about Jaws.
28. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as are WWI and WWII.
29. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
30. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
31. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
32. They do not care who shot J.R. They have no idea who J.R. was.
33. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.
34. Michael Jackson has always been white.

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Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
-Sauce unknown

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Reproduced and adulterated without permission

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The following are proposed error messages for the new Windows 2000 operating system

1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
6. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
7. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
8. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
9. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
10. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
11. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
12. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
13. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
14. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
15. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
16. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL &PAPER.SYS)
17. User Error: Replace user.
18. VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
19. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
20. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?