HASTINGS POLICE SENIOR CITIZENS' REGISTER





DON'T EVER LIE TO MUM!!

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long be suspicious of a relationship between John and Julie, and this made her only more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and Julie than met the eye. Reading his Mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So, he sat down and wrote,

"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

" Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read, "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mum."



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HEARING AIDS!

Hearing Aids Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman's hearing to return to 100%. The elderly gentleman went back to the doctor for his monthly checkup and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


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THE BURGLAR!

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, A strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, he promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you? " Moses," replied the bird. Moses? the burglar laughed. What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses? The bird promptly answered, "probably the same kind of people that would name a Doberman, Jesus."

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PUSHY

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 a.m. by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was it ?" asks his wife. "Just a drunken stranger asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "NO, I didn't! It's three in the morning and raining like hell out there!" "Well you've got a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and two blokes helped us. I think you should help him." The man does as he is told, gets dressed, goes out into the pounding rain, and calls out into the dark, " Hello, you still there?" "Yes," comes the answer. "Do you still want a push," calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on on the swing," the drunk replies.

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