// = 1.0) seed = seed - 1.0; return seed; } function randgolf() { return Math.floor(rand() * 66.0); } srand(); // create array of golf sayings var GolfEpithet = "Empty" var GEp = new Array(27) GEp[0] = "He who has the fastest golf cart never has a bad lie. -Mickey Mantle" GEp[1] = "Only a stupid golfer throws his club behind him. The smart golfer throws his club ahead so he can pick it up on the way to the next hole. Corollary: clubs don't float. -Anonymous" GEp[2] = "Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink. -Bob Hope" GEp[3] = "The trees taunt you; the sand mocks you; the water calls your name...and they say golf is a quiet game. -Anonymous" GEp[4] = "Why is it that when you tell yourself, 'don't hit it in the water' your body only seems to hear the word 'water'? -Anonymous" GEp[5] = "Tee your ball high...air offers less resistance than dirt. -Jack Nicklaus" GEp[6] = "Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle. -Anonymous" GEp[7] = "Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose. -Winston Churchill" GEp[8] = "I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It is called an eraser. -Arnold Palmer" GEp[9] = "On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. The other 20 percent lied. -Bruce Lansky" GEp[10] = "I'm very lucky. If it wasn't for golf I don't know what I'd be doing. If my IQ had been two points lower, I'd have been a plant somewhere. -Lee Trevino" GEp[11] = "The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. -Phyllis Diller" GEp[12] = "It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. -Hank Aaron" GEp[13] = "Golf's three ugliest words: still your shot. -Dave Marr" GEp[14] = "I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators. -Gerald Ford" GEp[15] = "I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart. -Buddy Hackett" GEp[16] = "One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball. -Don Carter, pro bowler" GEp[17] = "It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are still rolling. -Mark Twain" GEp[18] = "If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. -Bob Hope" GEp[19] = "The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. -Billy Graham" GEp[20] = "The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf - it's almost a law. -H. G. Wells" GEp[21] = "The reason they call it 'golf' is that all the other 4 letter words were used up. -Leslie Nielsen" GEp[22] = "In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf. -Anonymous" GEp[23] = "Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you're tired and most of your balls are missing. -Tim Allen" GEp[24] = "I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. I had a hole in nothing. Missed the ball and sank the divot. -Don Adams" GEp[25] = "Golf is like a love affair: If you don't take it seriously, it's not fun; if you do take it seriously, it breaks your heart. -Arnold Daly" GEp[26] = "Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. -Jack Benny" GEp[27] = "Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it." GEp[28] = "Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing." GEp[29] = "When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls." GEp[30] = "If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there." GEp[31] = "The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing." GEp[32] = "No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse." GEp[33] = "The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors." GEp[34] = "If it ain't broke, try changing your grip." GEp[35] = "Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot." GEp[36] = "A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck." GEp[37] = "It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifteen metre putt - for a 10." GEp[38] = "Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to admit he has a social disease." GEp[39] = "Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts." GEp[40] = "It's not a gimme if you still get the honour anyway." GEp[41] = "The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the centre of a very large tree." GEp[42] = "There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces that go just the way you intended them to go." GEp[43] = "You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time." GEp[44] = "If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age." GEp[45] = "Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three." GEp[46] = "When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment you ought to have started watching the ball if you ever want to see it again." GEp[47] = "Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe." GEp[48] = "If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard." GEp[49] = "To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 kph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 kph." GEp[50] = "There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove." GEp[51] = "Hazards attract; fairways repel." GEp[52] = "You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball." GEp[53] = "A ball you can see in the rough from 50 metres away is not yours." GEp[54] = "If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint." GEp[55] = "It's easier to get up at 6:00am to play golf than it is at 10:00am to mow your lawn." GEp[56] = "A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game." GEp[57] = "A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are...that's why I get so many calls to play with friends." GEp[58] = "That rake by the bunker is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping mowing their lawn." GEp[59] = "If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life." GEp[60] = "Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week." GEp[61] = "A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there." GEp[62] = "It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out with the housework will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake the bunkers." GEp[63] = "If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse)." GEp[64] = "You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway!" GEp[65] = "It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat pies and belch if you are performing brain surgery." // Output Truism text GolfEpithet = GEp[randgolf()] document.write(GolfEpithet) // End of GolfTruismTable Javascript source ->