Re: another baby, labor rooms, and all that
Cris Coffey (CCOFFEY@rugs.bry.indiana.edu)
Mon, 1 Apr 1996 16:35:48 EST5
Stacey,
I feel for you. Having friends announce their pregnancies at your
bedside was extremely thoughtless of them. People over-staying
during visits is also very thoughtless--as if they actually expect
you to be perky enough to keep them entertained.
I never had visitors. Well, I take that back--my mother was always
with me on initial hospitalization because she was usually the one
who drove me there (she cared for me while Keith worked). I always
urged her to go home, though, to be with dad because at the hospital
I was always taken care of. She'd go home, but would usually return
just to sit with me. Even if I slept and she sat at bedside and
crocheted Brandon's first afghan. When Keith would show up after
work, Mom would retreat either back to my house or to my dad. Keith
ALWAYS slept at the hospital. He couldn't bear to leave me there to
sleep all alone. So even though I reassured him I'd be alright and
that he needed his own bed to rest for work, he insisted on staying.
Usually slept on the reclining chair next to the bed, and once a
nurse actually found him a cot.
The kicker? My mother-in-law. I love her dearly now, but I had a
couple of years of resentment toward her after this whole pregnancy
fiasco. She lived about 10 minutes away from us. I was bedridden
for 16 weeks. She visited our home twice--and only then for about
10-15 minutes. She called no more than 3 or four times during the
whole thing. My mother drove an hour each way nearly every day to be
with me, and just as much for Keith as for me. She knew he needed
help. Keith's mother, on the other hand, cooked not one meal during
that 16 weeks, offered not one single service to help her son. She
never even offered to sit with me on weekends so Keith could get away
for a little while. What's worse? She lives 2 blocks from the
hospital. I had a total of seven hospital stays.....she visited me
only once during those seven stays--more toward the last stay. But boy, let me tell you, when I
went into real labor she was at the hospital and was determined to be
there for the whole parade. She got her feelings hurt when it was
time for me to push and she was asked to leave the room when my dad
was asked to step out. My mother (by Keith's request) got to see her
only grandchild's birth, all the way through. She earned it! My
mother-in-law's excuse? She never came around because it was too
hard on her. She loved me so much that she just couldn't stand to
see me just laying there that way. Gee, thanks. I'd say that's the
most selfish thing I've ever heard. Even if she couldn't stand to
see me that way, she could have at least been there for her son when
he needed her!
I'll get off my soap box now. I tend to get long winded. Sorry!
Cris
Date: Mon, 1 Apr 1996 11:49:12 -0800
From: gshuman@ix.netcom.com (Gary Shuman )
Subject: another baby, labor rooms, and all that
To: preemie-l@vicnet.net.au
After Carly was born (25 weeks 1 lb 8oz) we decided not to have anymore
children. My cervix was so weak and incompetent and scarred that
doctors doubted I could carry another baby to even 25 weeks. So when
Carly was 11 months old and I found out I was pregnant again I was
devastated. I had just gotten over the guilt of one premature birth and
could not fathom going thru it all again. My body showed no signs of
rejection so three stitches were put in at 12 weeks and my life was
invaded by TOGOS and relatives with every advice in the world. In '86
Togos was still in its infancy so they took only what insurance would
pay and didn't ask us to make up the difference.
Dustin made his appearance 6 weeks early. Even though he came early the
labor and all were very normal. I was not worried because as far as I
was concerned I was full term. When I was put in a labor room with all
the perks of a "real mom expecting a real baby", I realized that this
might not be too bad. I had a super easy delivery instead of a tearful
one. I got to sit up to see my baby instead of being too drugged to sit
up. I heard his loud cry instead of quiet murmurings of the attendants.
I held him in my arms instead of being held down during my D&C. And I
was wheeled out holding him to show off to a gallery of admirers
instead of quiet condolences. It was totally worth it! Worth every
greasy lank of stringy hair on my head, every missed bath, every
contraction I had to record -- everything! I know the second time
around may not be the same for everyone, but the way I felt I needed to
feel that one success before we called it quits. Three years later I
had to have a Hysterectomy, so I am so grateful that I got to
experience such a wonderful pregnancy -- despite the six month's bed
rest.
It seemed to me I had more problems with friends announcing their
pregnancies to me than uncaring nurses. My first hospitalization was
only five days long, yet in those five days 3 girls came to visit me to
announce they were pregnant. The idea! Did they expect something from
me? When the 3rd girl came to visit (not a personal favorite of mine) I
very snottily said "Excuse me for not turning cartwheels as I'm
confined to bed." She made a hasty retreat and never came to visit me
again. I am ashamed now but back then that was my only defense. The
nurses were sweet and understanding if not a little naive. They kept
hovering asking me if I needed anything or if I just wanted to talk.
Then we had problems with the people who felt they were helping by
coming and staying for an hour. Some even ignored the NO VISITOR sign
and just barged in. One afternoon I was exhausted from visitors all
morning, so I unplugged my phone so I could sleep. A friend called from
work and when I did not answer my phone she called the nurses station
in a panic saying there was something wrong. The nurse bounded down the
hall and burst in on the best nap I had had for weeks.
I wish hospitals would set up a constant care ward for expectant
mothers that are visitor restricted, allowing moms to get quiet and
rest. More hospitals need to realize these are not just sick ladies but
ladies carrying lives that depend on them to survive. Regular wards are
no place for high-risk pregnancies.
Stacey, mom to Carly 10,and Dustin 9
-----------------------------------------------------
Cris Coffey, Information Specialist
Sponsored Research Services
Indiana University
Bryan Hall 001
Bloomington, IN 47405
(812) 855-7865
-----------------------------------------------------