Re: Bonding

Scmar@aol.com
Sat, 23 Mar 1996 15:21:50 -0500 

>The one aspect of having Devin prematurely that has caused me the most
>soul searching has been the one of Bonding with him.
>
>Please, have any of you felt this way or am I the only "unnatural" mother
>around.


Hello All,

I'm a new subscriber, will post an "official" intro soon. Thought I'd throw
my .02 cents worth in, though I'm not an "unnatural" mother -- actually I'm a
father.   ;-)

We adopted our two older girls when they were each 4 months old, from Korea.
They are now 7 and 5 yrs. old. I cannot even begin to tell you how much these
are OUR children . . . bonded, oh yes. Sometimes I am amazed when someone
asks me (usually in front of one of the girls!!), "Oh, is she adopted?"  I
wonder, "How did they know?" (Of course, they're Korean-- it's just that
after a while they don't even look Korean, they just look like "mine.")

It was about 3 months after our triplets (24 wks) were born, still in NICU,
that I suddenly realized that THEY WERE NOT ASIAN. It kind of shocked me,
because I was looking for physical signs that they were "mine." And when they
didn't look like my other kids, it jolted me.

My point is this.  Adopting a kid who is 4 months old, from another land and
culture, is about as far from being able to bond at birth as it comes.

The bond we have with our adopted kids could not be stronger. Isn't possible.
As is the bond with our preemies, who spent the first 7 months of their lives
in the hospital, and another year in a very protected, isolated and sterile
environment.

I realize there is a different kind of bonding between a child and mother,
one which I do not have any practical experience with <g>. Perhaps that is
what you all are talking more about. Though it's possible, I can't imagine a
stronger bond possible with my kids . . .   :-)

I think bonding is just an ongoing process. It starts with the knowledge of
conception (for our adopted girls, "conception" was the first time we saw
their pictures), and continues through life (and hopefully beyond).

Chip Martin

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 Chip & Kris Martin
                                                scmar@aol.com
 Mackenzie (7), Maddy (5), Tiller, Jennifer & angel Katrina (2)
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