Re: Bonding
Jill Chester-Haney (jillch@primenet.com)
Sat, 23 Mar 1996 09:14:10 -0800
>The one aspect of having Devin prematurely that has caused me the most
>soul searching has been the one of Bonding with him.
>Please, have any of you felt this way or am I the only "unnatural" mother
>around.
Ina and Folks,
As a part of my work with a NICU support group at the hospital, I've had
occasion to talk with alot of moms who feel *exactly* like that. AND,
I've talked with many moms who never felt like that.
And now that I've read Andee's post, I'm going to modify mine.
I think I bonded to my kids when I knew I had conceived them. (We had a
few years of infertility before my husband had a problem corrected. No,
not vasectomy reversal, lots more can go wrong for the guys than that.) It
is only at that time that I can remember any *melting heart* feelings. I
never did have an *eye to eye* moment with either kid. I don't feel that
we haven't bonded, though. I visualized my kids as little people from the
word "GO". (I think visual imagery must be very important to how I
process, I seem to do it alot.) I just think it is in the expectation. I
am not a "gotta breastfeed on the table for it to be perfect and natural"
mom, nor am I hung out to dry over the fact that both boys were born by
c-section.
I never feared bonding with either kid. The greatest feeling I remember is
overwhelming fear. I always felt bonded to Kevin, even when I couldn't
touch him or even get into his room, because I was his only voice. The
actualy physical touch and look that you mention just wasn't part of my
expectation for relating to my child, so I don't think I missed it much.
Expectation is everything, I think. This child has *always* needed my
mother lion instincts to defend and protect, and that is how I will always
relate to him. (Of course, Kevin is my forever-baby, you know.)
I had Andrew right with me as soon as I left the OR and could feel my toes
again, and it was wonderful. But it was wonderful because it was normal
and he was healthy and the fear was not there. This child has always been
willful and stubborn and wiggly. I have somewhat the same mother lion
feelings about him, but also alot of other ARGHHHHHH feelings about this
non-compliant little guy. I think we're bonded, just the same.
Regards,
Jill
jillch@primenet.com
Mom to Kevin, age 4, (35 weeks, 4lb 4 oz, grade III bleed, multiple
handicaps) and Andrew, age 3 (37 weeks, 9lb 7 oz, very resistant to potty
learning)