Re: Bonding (a long reply)
DUNN Family (nightowl@centuryinter.net)
Fri, 22 Mar 1996 09:50:53 -0500
>I brought this subject up in an early message of mine but would like to
repeat it again as so many new members have joined since then.
>
>The one aspect of having Devin prematurely that has caused me the most soul
searching has been the one of Bonding with him.
>
INA;
You're not the only one with this kind of problem. And please don't read
this and think, "but she had three to bond with at the same time...that's
not the same"
I've had many different experiences with delivering babies...late, very
late, little early, very early, too soon & too late. Bonding with my 36.5
wkr was complicated by many not so good things going on at delivery. I
finally got to hold her when she was about eight hours old...I still had a
high temp, but it was going down and we knew the cause was the
chorioamnionitis and nothing infectious to her. Like your Gareth, the first
look, that first eye contact, just melted our hearts together. My next baby
(late enough to bring home) was induced at 41 weeks (dates were wrong, she
was 45) and it was a precipitous delivery...the pit' was administered poorly
and from 1st cntrx to delivery was just 1 hr, 45 min! Needless to say, there
were lots of immediate problems to care for but again when I did get to hold
her about six hours later...that first look melted my heart all over again!
My third daughter was late...due the 19 of June and a different doctor
induced on July 5th...properly...after a gradually increasing labor of close
to eight hours, she was born and handed to me before the cord was cut...and
there was "that look" again, just minutes old! By this point...after seven
pregnancies...these three being the only ones I took home and all three
"bonding" well...I easily assumed it was always this way. NOT!
My ninth pregnancy was vastly different...for starters it was quads coming
(at first)! (I've had two prev preg w/twins so it wasn't exactly a surprise) :)
Managing thru endless trials during this short pregnancy (discovered at 11
wks and del 22 wks later) until 33 weeks exactly I was delivered of three
little survivors during an emergency prepared C-Section (the team had 2
practice runs before this del). The first one out failed to breathe...the
neonatologist wisked him away to ICU without even a glanced look for
me...but more work remained...the second one was crying as she was pulled
out but was small and thin and wasn't warming up well...I got a fleeting
glance before she was put into an incubator...and then the next one, the one
that had the ruptured membranes and was very stuck in my ribs...when they
got her out, there were many immediate concerns...I got a fleeting glance
(and then thought she was the other baby-they're identical-so they gave me
one more quick look with the two beside each other) before taking them both
to SC.
An hour later while I was still in recovery, nurses brought the girls to me
briefly (20 min only before they had to back to the warmers)...they looked
at me, I looked at them, one to one, over and over again, "where's *that
look*? where's the feeling of my heart melting?" It wasn't there. So
maybe, I thought, it was all the meds (it was the first time I'd had an
epidural), or maybe it was the early birth (never had a baby this early that
survived), or maybe it was because there are three of them (mind you, the
third was in ICU, not with us at this time). A few hours later (they were
12 hours old) the girls were brought to my room for a short visit...still no
*look* no *melting heart* :-(
We all stayed two weeks...I had a post-op infection and four broken ribs to
recover from and they all had various "preemie" stuff to get past...still no
*look* and no *melting heart* nothing. Was I not meant to be their mother?
Was I not going to be able to care for these babies the same as I had for
the others? What was wrong? I had no answers. I asked close friends
(didn't want to ask people that didn't know me really well) and they had no
answers...only encouragement; "hang on" "give it some time" "wait til they
are more like full-term babies" (ouch) :-( (and talk about soul searching!)
At 3 months that *look* had still not happened. By now, I was exhausted
from taking care of them 'round the clock, while still recovering from my 22
weeks of bedrest & surgery and even broken ribs...I'd lost 30 pounds since
leaving the hospital, almost 70 since their delivery. The point here being
that when I finally talked to my doc about this feeling or lack of it...she
found all these other things as reasons "why" I wasn't 'bonding' with any of
them. Yeah, some were very valid...it's really hard to give your heart away
when you can't even function normally yet. It sounds bad. Does it sound
familiar?
I changed the antidepressive med I had been taking since delivery (I have a
history of increasing depression with each pregnancy - PPD)...that didn't do
it. I accepted help so I could get more sleep and rest...that didn't do it.
I paid better attention to what and how often I was eating (like when I was
pregnant)...that didn't do it. I also had some PT so my weakened muscles
could get back to normal...that didn't do it. By the time they were 9
months old...I felt like it wasn't going to ever happen... that I will just
never be close to any of these three like I was with my first three... and
that maybe that was somehow because there was three of them. (I was off the
meds by then too)
I didn't yet know of any other families with triplets...let alone triplets
plus three older kids and their needs too. But then I started meeting some
(via telephone calls). This lack of bonding was not a problem for any of
them. All reported that they had bonded, they had *that look* and *melting
heart* feeling for each triplet sometime in the first month at home. Some
were in the NICUs and some weren't...they were born from 28 weeks to 35
weeks and all felt they had bonded well with each baby by the time they were
4-6 weeks old. They felt it took that long because they were trying to bond
with all three together before really taking each baby one to one and trying
to reach that *one* within, alone. (hope that makes sense)
INA...IT DID HAPPEN! and I'm sure the delay can be attributed to all the
many other 'things' going on in our lives then. But I can recall *the look*
and the *melting heart* feeling just as vividly with each one as I do with
my other girls. With Rebecca and Jessica it happened the same day...one at
a time...going about usual daily care, I picked her up to comfort her for
something...and just sitting there rocking her, we shared *that look* and
our hearts melted together! (same story for both) What a high! The most
exhilerating feeling ever...I was really connected to my girls, now! :-) My
son took a little longer...he was toddling around the corner one day and
stopped and just looked at me, I had to pick him up...gave him a great big
hug that he just melted into (unusual for him, he didn't like being
held...always wants to go, go, go) so I sat in the rocker (I'm never giving
that poor, old, rickety, falling apart rocker away!) and held him and rocked
him, holding him like a newborn (he was about 16 lbs then) and looking at
him like it was the first time ever and there was *that look* and our hearts
just melted together at last!
Now at the wisened age of 4 years and 3 months...:-) You'd never know that
our bonding took so long. You can also see that it can happen late and
still be just as strong (maybe stronger) as any other babies/children. We
share a very close bond at this age. My seven yo and I still share a close
bond too. It's expanding with my ten yo...she's well into puberty and that
seems to be the time when these sort of close 'mother/child' bonds wear thin
(and probably don't come really strong again until *they* have children
:-D). [whatever happened to *that look* and that *feeling* with my soon to
be 14 yo?]
INA, I hope this helps...don't loose hope...you and Gavin will get just as
close! Write back if you want to talk more about it. I really know what it
feels like...before and after. :)
TTYS
Andee
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Andee Dunn MOM to Bryana (13), CJ (10), Allyssa (7) and Mack (4),
Rebecca (4) & Jessica (4) and wife to SHAWN, the computer genius!
E-Mail <nightowl@centuryinter.net> You can reach all of us there!
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"...when you feel like hope is gone, look inside you and be strong,
and you'll finally see the truth...that a hero lies in you." M.Carey