It was the weekend. Normally hard-working Lily and Patrick had both knocked off at six. All evening until closing time they had been drinking at the Clifton Hill Hotel. They held their drunkeness well with just a hint of stagger, though both of them were thoroughly pissed.

Bloody hell, said Patrick. We were drinking Kiwi Larger all night and we could have been drinking something much better. If it hadn't of been for Lily, he slapped her on the back with pleasure. Lily smiled like a lighthouse on full beam. What was it and where did you spot it asked asked Penny with enthusiasm. Penny was proud of her sister before even hearing what she had done! Lily started her story. We had just left the pub, she said. Patrick needed to visit the "little boy's room" and I was waiting for him out the front. I happened to look through the door of the bottle shop at just the right moment. Lily said this with a big happy grin. I saw the barman putting some bottles into a brown paper bag. (So? Conrad silently thought) I knew what those bottles were. Eh, said Patrick, she's a hero and a real girl scout. Then Lily continued with her story. I ran into the bottle shop and snatched the brown paper bag out of the customers hands. Then I pulled the bottle back out of the bag just to check though I certainly was right. So I ran out to show the bottle to Patrick. Patrick burst out laughing! Lily had stolen me a bottle of Leopard Export. It was a hysterical situation. Eh. Actually we were lucky, because the other customers were Kiwis. Otherwise Lily might of got hit.

What's Leopard, asked Penny who was most curious. Hastings beer of course, said Lily and it's good beer too. Eh, said Patrick, my old man discovered it when he was stationed up there with the Emergency Services. Leopards a good drop, I think it's the best in New Zealand. The old man and I used to share a bottle on special occasions. Lily's found me a regular source! He threw his arms around her. Lily was gleeful at being the centre of attention. We made some new friends, said Lily with pleasure. The Leopard drinkers which we encountered at the bottle shop. They're a really nice couple. We went to the chip shop together that night and we all had a bite to eat. Their names are Pauline and Bianco and they come from one of the beach suburbs of Christchurch. Turns out we know much the same people Patrick remarked!

They don't like Australian's or living in Australia either, said Lily with glee! We're going out with them next week. Where are you going out to, asked Penny? Dinner at Alaysha 2 in Sydney Brunswick said Lily and then on to the Corner Hotel. The Headless Chickens are playing there with Bailter Space and the Sneaky Feelings. Its time I saw some good New Zealand music, Lily asserted. Yeah, I'm sick of all this "Aussie" shit, said Penny. Guess what, Lily said. Penny focused on her sister. Our New friends from Christchurch agree too... This town fucks us off because they don't have BATTERED MUSHROOMS!

Yes, hissed Penny bloody woolly jumpers, don't they know it's a jersey!

Conrad had been in the kitchen avoiding the conversation. He came out just as Penny had finished her bit. Oh that's not true, he said, Melbourne's a great place. It's the cultural centre of Australia. (How can I get through to Lily, he thought) What about feminism? he pointed out to Lily. Melbourne has a great reputation in this field. Helen Garner who's a great Australian writer and feminist comes from country Victoria. Surely you respect her? (Lily charged back at him magnificently) S*N*O*R*T! HELEN GARNER what's so good about her, was Lilys derisive statement?

Attacking one of his heroes made Conrad angry. Well, she wrote my favourite movie of all time, he snapped back. What might that be? Lily asked. She hid the danger of her question with a pleasant smile and an enthusiastic manner. The Last days of Chez Nous, Conrad replied. What's so good about that, Lily asked innocently. It's great! Conrad replied. A wonderful Australian film, a superb real life drama, that looks at people's emotions and "issues". Snort! Lily did this a bit more quietly this time around. Ill tell you about that movie. The one good thing about it mate, and it's not what you think! (Conrad looked lost, but interested to hear this new revaluation about his favourite movie) He looked at her expectantly.

Lily laughed in the offhand way of a school teacher who thinks she knows it all and replied KERRY FOX! Yeah Kerry Fox is rather attractive, replied Conrad. Then he added and of course she's a good actor. Attractive, Attractive, Lily sneered again. She's a great New Zealander. That's what she is. What she's doing in a movie like that I don't know. She probably just had to

refill her honey pot on the way to bigger things.

Helen Garner has great depth of creativity, said Conrad reasonably. She's a successful fiction writer too. Helen Garner wrote Monkey Grip! Lily laughed uproariously at Conrads earnest adoration. If the best Australian woman has is Helen Garner then no wonder they're in such a pickle. New Zealand woman knows tripe when she sees it. The stuff Helen Garner writes would never get respect in feminist circles in my country! Monkey Grip critically, is by far the best book she has written. However every book that Janet Frame has ever written is streets ahead of Helen Garner. Considering that Janet Frame is hardly contempo rary, that says a lot about the quality of each womans written work. New Zealand has many other recent women writers MUCH better than Helen Garner even if they are not as commercially successful as she has been.

Penny absorbed herself in what her sister was saying. Eh, Lil you took a paper on Helen Garner in your final year at Varsity didn't you, she remarked. Lily looked at her sister and nodded. See, said Penny to Conrad, so Lily knows what she's talking about. It was an optional research paper on Australian Literature, explained Lily. It's only available every third year so I thought I better take the opportunity. (Penny looked on smiling in approval) I wanted to study an Australian feminist writer and Helen Garner stood out because she's prolific.

One of my lecturers had just spent sometime at the Australian National University. She had made copies of many video's from Australia's National Film and Sound Archive while she was in Canberra. I went to see her and asked if she had any copies of Monkey Grip, High Tide and the Last Days of Chez Nous. She had bought back something from Australia that was much better. What Lil, Penny asked. PURE SHIT! announced Lily with a grin. She looked very satisfied.

Pure Shit is the title of Helen Garners earliest work in feature film. Wow, exclaimed Penny. Yep! continued Lily and she has one of the main roles, a junkie shooting up on camera and all! REALLY, said Penny! Yep! smirked Lily. So I decided to compare Helen Garners early work with her most up to date new work. What you mean the FIRST STONE? Yep! Lily solemnly con firmed with Penny. THAT BOOK? The Australian feminist who's soft on sexual assault. Yes, Lily firmly replied. The one who stands up for the right of sleazy male academics to accost women at parties. She denies victims have the right to pursue. Yes, said Lily, she protects the status quo! Penny looked at Conrad with fury. If you like that woman, YOU'RE TOTALLY FUCKED!!! Oh god, why did I ever go out with you?

Conrad hadn't been expecting this, he struggled to find another way of defending his hero. Helen Garner is a great author! because the opening paragraphs of Monkey Grip is one of the most beautiful things I've ever read he nervously exclaimed. Lily exploded again. Monkey Grip the novel is sanitised when compared to Pure Shit. Monkey Grip the movie is a whitewash when put against both of them! Well, First Stone is full of strong individual opinion, said Conrad and it was very successful. SUC CESSFUL? Of course it was, it's conservative, shrieked Penny.

Is that why you like her, because you're also a conservative, asked Lily. No, I'm a feminist! explained Conrad. S*N*O*R*T*! (It was Lilys loudest one) MEN CAN'T BE FEMINISTS! Born as a woman I'm a second class citizen all my life. So I don't expect a man, let alone a woolly jumper, to come along and tell me what's good for woman! What do you mean, Conrad asked? (He was feeling uncertain)

Penny and Lily looked exasperated and even Patrick was grinning discreetly in the corner. Towards the bedroom Penny ran. She pulled Conrad by the arm. Penny began to rub his hand up and down the bed. What's this, she asked Conrad. It's our doona, was his reply. DUVET! chorused Lily and Penny in unison. Penny put her arms around Conrad and reassured him. Don't worry my love, you'll learn.

Lily appeared and placed a bottle in his hand. She was smiling, tell me Conrad what is this. Nonchalantly Conrad said to Lily it's tomato sauce. NO! Lily said. It's Taco Faco. (Patrick joined in too)

They stood back in the lounge room. Sadly Penny took off her first layer of clothing, and gave it to Conrad to hold. Conrad, Lily asked gently, what's that in your hand. Penny's woolly jumper, Conrad replied. Then he stopped because he realised what he had just said.

EXACTLY MATE! said Lily, and just make sure you don't forget it!

Shocked and speechless Conrad quietly said, there's no need to be aggressive. Aggressive, aggressive? countered Lily. Well, I suppose I am a bit drunk. Then she smiled good naturedly. It was a really good argument, wasn't it!

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Much to Penny's annoyance Andre was more interested in watching the cricket with Conrad rather than being with her. Patrick sat down with the men. The two women drifted off to the kitchen. After a while they returned carrying a tray laden with hot chocolate, coffee, tea, cake and biscuits. Then they all lounged around the floor watching the cricket. It was a game and a half. It was Martin Crowes last game before he retired as captain of the New Zealand International side. Conrad yawned. Penny, we could go to bed now if you want?

No! With the alcohol wearing off and the coffee kicking in she was getting interested. The pundits had predicted Australia to win. However, New Zealand was batting much better than was expected. There was no escape for Conrad from the New

Zealand victory. The two sisters and Patrick were happy. I'm glad we all stayed up till 5:30 in the morning, said Penny. Conrad was dog tired. He just wanted to go to bed. Penny had other ideas of her own.

As soon as they hit the sack she grabbed Conrads fingers and started rubbing then over her crotch. Penny lubed quickly and his whole hand fell inside her. Aren't you going to "pork" me, she whispered. I can feel your "member' against my leg. You are so stiff and hard. Wearily Conrad got to his knees. She willingly threw her legs back. Huffing and puffing he began to bang. Is that all you're capable of, she giggled.

High on the glee of fucking Penny kicked her legs in graceful rhythm like a dressage horse. I wish you could go all night, she sighed. Andre can, he's got the stamina of a racehorse. Well, that's what I've been led to believe, she quickly added. Panting and wheezing from exhaustion Conrad had to stop. He fumbled in the darkness. Here it is, said Penny. She handed him his Ventolin spray. He sucked it greedily needing for puffs instead of two as normal.

Ow! Conrad cried softly as he fell sideways to lie next to her in the bed. Are you sore? Penny asked. She felt concerned for him. Better you squirt, than you go to sleep like that. She grabbed at his crotch are and he winced. You'd better you know. Slow, cat like she rolled herself underneath him. Penny whispered sit up on me. No, not on my tummy across my waist, she ordered. Then she grinned. Now you get to tit fuck me! It was a privilege but on Conrad had become used to. He slipped up her bra and enthusiastically she squashed her taunt milky G cup around his penis. It did the trick for him all right but if he had any apprecia tion to show he expressed it by falling asleep on her straight away. Still she tried to put his hand between her legs to sate her unsatisfaction. But it was like the rest of him dead to the world. In the end she slipped on to her tummy. Penny gracefully and discretely masturbated herself to orgasm on a pillow tucked between her thighs. She too then fell asleep.

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Penny was pleased with Conrad for doing what he was told. So you're finally going to do some work on yourself, are you? She was jovial and slapped him on the back with affection. There's hope for you yet Conrad, Penny happily commented. She glowed and gave him one of her sunniest smiles.

Conrad rang the number and spoke to Princess. She was very interested to see him. She told him as he was on the dole to give her money when he was next working. They made an appointment for Thursday. Don't be late for the appointment with Princess! Penny reminded him of this, before leaving for lunch with Lily. He caught the big green tram and it flew down Queens Parade under the hot sun during a warm breeze. At town he got off at Parliament Station where Conrad caught a city loop train. He changed at South Yarra for the stopping all stations service and soon he was a Toorak Station. It was five minutes walk through the opulent and leafy backstreets to the practice. A naturopathy practice that appeared just like a doctor's surgery. A list of consultants and qualifications on brass plates. There she was PRINCESS POWER hypnotherapist B. Sc MA (Melb)

In the plush waiting room Conrad sat. Every thing was strangely quiet. Then an apparition glided up the corridor. It was Princess Power. He thought to himself, she is definitely princess by name, princess by nature. Gracefully and quietly with excellent manners Princess introduced herself and requested Conrad follow her into the consulting room. She motioned with her hand for him to sit down in a huge Jason recliner. Princess put on some New Age music, and begun some relaxing verbal patter. It was all very sweet and a touch erotic around the edges. She was telling Conrad stuff like embrace the light, purify yourself and let go of your body. Conrad thought what she was saying seemed silly, but he also thought she was a very good looking woman. The hypnotherapy bit ended and they talked for a bit.

You need my special Polynesian healing magic, said Princess. She took a book from her shelf. It was The A-Z of Islander Magic. Princess delved into it and found a section entitled Polynesian symbols. Close your eyes Conrad, she gently asked. He couldn't help peeking when she wasn't paying attention. Princess was puzzling over the book. She then started the New Age tape again. OOGA...BOOGA...OOGA...BOOGA...(she moaned this in a really loud voice) Conrad was having trouble keeping a really straight face. He could though because he was concentrating so hard on peeping at her without her seeing. Princesses hands were flying in the air above him like a conductor. No, a Reiki teacher who's just shot up a gram of good speed he sarcastically thought. Then silence after which she started up chanting again.....I can't work out what it is she's saying, he thought that's it! (Hmm..) COWA BUNGA, COWA BUNGA (she was off again with her hands) He waited for her to finish. Open your eyes she gently commanded him. (He felt as if he was on Playschool or Sesame Street!) Now! You feel much better DON'T YOU?

Conrad had to admit he didn't. Infact he still felt as he always did. Still his ordinary old self. (My boundaries haven't shifted an inch he decided) Princess puzzled over him with concern. I'm going to refer you to a great woman. She's a mighty witch. I've just started training under her myself! Samantha caught the Frankston killer! Conrad had a mental picture of a great witch flying in on her broomstick. Carrying him up in the air infront of cheering crowds. Dropping him so he fell through the roof of the Frankston cop station and fell down into the waiting cells. The truth of the matter was some locals had approached Samantha Cass to cast a spell. The following day the police had caught the Frankston Murderer. The coincidence had significantly elevated the reputation of this particular witch. Princess wrote Samantha's number on her calling card. With serene grace she closed the appointment with feel free to come again if you so desire.

When Conrad got home Penny and Lily were watching Ren and Stimpy cartoons and drinking coffee. How was it? they both asked him with fascinated curiosity. Conrad told them how he experienced the appointment. Is that all that happened, said Penny disappointedly. I was hoping for something more productive. Still this witch might be of help Penny resignedly commented. At

least she's a woman, Lily added.

The cricket season was nearly over, as was Summer. Australia had lost the final of the World Cup and they had beaten New Zealand to get there. That's good Conrad thought. If New Zealand had won the World Cup my life wouldn't have been worth living. One final game of cricket was scheduled before the season ended. The World 11 was to play Australia, at the Melbourne Cricket Ground. Conrad smiled at this, it was one of those artificial media games. There was the hope that the Aussies, victori ous from the World Cup would come home and beat the best in the World all again. Fortunately perhaps the Aussies weren't quite as efficient as Johnny Rambo yet! By luck more than talent they had made it to the World Cup finals where they had been defeated by Sri Lanka. There Conrad was, lazing on the couch, watching a very good game of cricket.

Dean Jones was a member of the World 11 team. It seemed like the last time he would play in an international match. He is a great batsman and captain of the Victorian state side. He was also one of Conrads cricketing heroes. I hope Deano scores a century! Conrad glowed with enthusiasm at the possibility. Penny was also bursting with enthusiasm when she got in the front door. I hope you don't mind she quickly apologised. I've done something that will be of help to you, she said with a smile. This morning I called Samantha for you!

She's busy, but she agreed to meet you in the Vege Bar IN TEN MINUTES Shit! what about Deanos century was his first thought. I would have preferred it to be another time, so I'll re make the appointment, Conrad said. You can watch the replay on TV, later this evening when the news is on, snapped Penny. Penny had a real air of determination not to be foiled. She would ruin my cricket watching, thought Conrad. O.K he said and shifted his ass off the seat. Out the door and over the pebble mix patio, through the Edinburgh Gardens and a ride on a clattering green tram.

Conrad and Penny entered the Vege Bar together. Penny picked her out. She looks like Mama Cass from the group the Mamas and the Papas was Conrads first thought. His second was I wonder how Deanos going at the M.C.G. ("Mama" Cass) waddled over and greeted them with a broad grin. Samantha had a jolly English accent that reminded them both of the actors in the Carry On movies. She's like Hattie Jaques or Joan Sims, Penny thought. Samantha had bought two of her followers with her. The two side-kicks were hippy rejects from the 70's. Penny and Conrad discovered that one was in the Women's Circus, the other was a woodwork teacher. Samantha was very kind and motherly without giving away too much and likewise with her followers.

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