PENNY MC GILLYCUDDY

COPYRIGHT SIANNON FIONN 1996

In the 1990's what is New Age Spirituality? Being a Celt in the 20th Century in Australia? Sexual Assault? Drug use? Dividing domestic chores? How similar are Australians to New Zealanders? Penny is a New Zealander and Conrad is Australian. Both in their late 20's Penny and Conrad meet in Melbourne and because they both used to be punks they have a relationship and move in together.

Penny tries to help Conrad, who can't cope with stress, by encouraging him to go to naturopaths also she thinks Conrad is unable to do the housework to her satisfaction. He just wants her to mellow out a bit. They have an accidental pregnancy. Conrad gets so stressed out he can't cope with Pennys request to have an H.I.V. test. They go to St Patrick's Day together but this does not save their relationship. Conrad loses Penny to his slicker and more cohesive muso buddy, Andre and Conrad has to move to a boarding house. He goes to see Judith Lucy's new show, "An Impossible Dream" and is inspired by Judith Lucy's determina tion. Conrad tries to emulate his hero by becoming a "performer". At a poetry night he is spotted performing by Jacqueline who is an heavy drug user who takes Conrad home and has a one night stand with him when he offers her a new designer drug called "Lucious". Conrad cannot keep Penny from his mind and each time he buys the same groceries Penny used to eat even though

he does not particularly like them. Conrad is drawn into the emotionally complex world of Jacqueline and her bi-sexual drug using friends and then he looses Jacqueline to "Dave" a cool and sophisticated inner city junkie. Conrad logs onto the Internet and is further reminded of Penny when he discovers a homepage on Ren and Stimpy, Pennys favourite cartoon. At the same party which Jacqueline dumps him he finds a substitute love "Cat Girl" who is also a fan of the public poetry performances Conrad has been started doing and she steals him off into the night in her purple Renult! She leaves the next morning and Conrad is devastated, he hoped for more than a one night stand from her! Saddened Conrad goes to a "Star Trek" convention for a joke and runs into Penny again!

FROM "PENNY MC GILLYCUDDY"

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The streetscape looked like the artwork drawn by the band Mental as Anything. Then myself and Penny struck the factories near Sydney Road. We stopped at a beautiful little weatherboard that was nestled between two big unsightly warehouses.

This is "Greg's house" Penny said reverently. Look you can tell a Bhudist lives here by the peaceful energy surrounding the house. I didn't know how to answer that and was saved by the buzz of a kombi van. Greg jumped out of the van. "Hi guys" he said to Penny and I. Greg gave me a big cheesy grin and shook my hand firmly. Then he let Penny and myself through his front gate and into the house.

Greg seemed to be a fascinating man. He looked like the actor, Tom Baker who played Doctor Who. Greg had a little Afghan hat on his unruly mop of long hair. He wore the uniform of low key spirituality. A colourless white shirt, and light coloured casual pants. Greg was a very bright eyed boy scientist.

Quickly he moved down the peaceful lemon corridor walking gracefully on its expensive looking polished parquetry floor. Into the back room he took us. Sorry about the mess, apologised Greg. This is my workroom, he explained. By the light of the table lantern we could see bits of equipment scattered around the room. He fiddled with a keyboard and amp. Where's my bloody sequencer gone! he demanded to himself. Ah, there it is! Greg grinned, pounced on his sequencer and turned the gadget on.

Music started playing through his system. Whatever it fucken was it sounded fantastic! The music began slowly and suddenly expanded (I began tapping my foot) then rich and ripe, before ending in another little arty bit. The last time a bit of sequenced music affected me was when Kraftwork re-mixed their famous song Computer Love. Greg's music had taken my breath away. The man's a genius I thought to myself.

He saw my respect, and said really casually, It's the new ad for O.M.O. I've been paid half a million dollars for it! Snort! Penny exploded with chuckles and gave me a broad smile, as if to say "told you he was good." I've got to go and work on my mural she squeaked, and padded off up the parquetry corridor.

Greg and I made soya chinos and some Ryvitas with natural raw honey. He set up a metal frame and then together we lifted a big sheet of plate glass onto it. It was an amazing see through glass kitchen table. I'd seen nothing like it. We sat down and talked. Penny had suggested this. Greg's amazing, she had advised me.

Greg told me his story that started when he was an unemployed musician and well into his 30's. Then Greg had discovered transcendental meditation. It changed his life. Within five years he was worth half a million dollars. Maybe you could learn from him, Penny had said earnestly. He could be interesting to talk to I thought.

Weren't you happy just being a musician, I asked of Greg. He grinned knowingly. I had long ago reached my limit. A bit of session work with Skyhooks. Share a beer with the likes of Michael Gudinski and Billy Thorpe. My biggest claims to fame were getting into a bit of a scrape with Molly Meldrum behind the set of Countdown and I used to shoot pool with Bon Scott. Some thing had to change. I had a respectable listing in Whose Who of Rock n' Roll, but I was still on the dole!

I was thinking of attaching myself to the Krishna's. I went along to the Temple to check them out. At first I thought I was in a bower of bliss. Then I started to climb the staircase to the dining room. I was there on the day of the weekly free feast looking forward to joining in the chanting and sampling some tasty vegetarian food. Then the smell of the ghee hit me.

I tried to go on but I couldn't withstand the nausea. I had to leave. I bolted down Kerford Road to the pier. I sat on the end of it staring into Port Phillip Bay and trying not to spew. Eventually the need to be sick passed. Along Middle Park beach I walked to St. Kilda. I had to settle for a beer and a band at the Espy, and a cake down Acland Street later on.

So what's the story then? I asked. Is there a temple of transcendental meditation or something, Greg? How did you discover meditation and what impressed you so much about it. Greg grinned in a friendly manner. No, theres nothing that organised, he replied. I discovered meditation while touring in Adelaide, Conrad. I smirked, what were you doing Greg, pot smoking? I was working, Conrad, Greg cut me off really sharply! Jim Keays and Lobby Loyd were both over there at about the same time and they wanted me to play a bit. I did go down to the Mac Laren flat. It's a seriously undiscovered gem for cheap fine wine. I had done my wine tasting and bought some supplies. I had also spent a bit on the Flurei Peninsular photographing the beautiful surroundings as well as just sitting on the beaches. Then I had to come back to Adelaide for some gigs. I had four days off and didn't feel like going out of town again. So I was checking out music and record shops for good bargains.

On the second day I caught the tram down to Glenelg. The first thing that caught my eye was the giant waterslide. I decided to give it a go. After an hour on it then looking in some shops I was relaxing on the beach. Then it happened. I grinned like a smartarse. You saw the light, mate? Greg looked at me in a way that shut me up. No, I saw the row of poles, was Gregs curtly reply. They all had platforms on top. As part of a charity event people would live on the platforms for weeks at a time. Sponsor ship donations were sought from the beachgoing people below. I was lying on the beach and on one platform I noticed a guy seemed to be floating from one end of the platform to the other. My logical brain would have interfered with simply enjoying the sight of this. This time I just watched and watched what seemed like magic. While the gulls circled in the blue sky, the sea washed ashore on a warm breeze. All the time this guy was floating back and forwards on his platform!

Finally I checked it out. He was Phil the flying meditator, I took a leaflet, put $5 in his fundraising bucket and never forgot the experience. The pamphlet said the way to flying meditation is through a course of transcendental meditation. I found that it fitted me like a fish suit's water. My mind began to become free and open within the first month. I was in Carlton and it came to me the way to change my life! Is that when you met Penny, I asked Greg. No, you're not with me Conrad, was his friendly retort. I saw my business opportunity that day, Greg continued.

The wind chimes were tinkling outside Ishka on a sunny afternoon. I went in and browsed. There was lots of great stuff I would have liked to of purchased but it was all exceeding my price range. With my newly open mind I saw an opportunity for myself. I'd undercut Ishka! Set up a chain of shops where people like me could afford to purchase cool stuff from India and South East Asia. I got $2,000 business loan form the C.E.S. and set myself up in a shop in Smith Street. I made some futon bases first. Then I went on a buying trip to Indonesia. There I purchased in bulk a whole lot of sarongs, cushion covers, wind chimes, and silver earrings. Oh, and Gimmel rings. I did a huge trade on imitation Gimmel rings in my first year.

Within six months I opened another shop in Brunswick Street. After a year I had my own warehouse. In three years I had seven outlets. My first few shops were 'Back to the Natural' the one in Prahran is 'Natural Living'. My St. Kilda outlet is 'Natural is Essential'. I had all this money, that I didn't know what to do with. I bought my sister a house in Northcote. I bought myself this place. Then I decided since I was a businessman I'd better have the right car. So I obtained myself a five year old Rolls Royce on hire purchase. Then I took it on a drive through central Australia with some of my best friends!

We went to Kakadu and I took the Rolls scrub bashing around Ayers Rock. Then I cut across through Mt. Isa to the coast. We spent a week or two touring around Kuranda and the Atherton Tablelands and in addition made our way down the coast. All the time I was finding great stock to sell in 'Back to the Natural'. We got back to Brisbane, and at that time drove on to Mt. Warning and Nimbin. Here I finally perfected flying meditation, and bought some more stock for my shops. We went boogie boarding at Byron for a few days, spent a bit of time in Bellingen and therewith I came back to Melbourne again. My Rolls was never the same, but I just had to take to take it up the dirt track to the top of Mount Warning to watch the sunrise.

I was married when I came back too. She was my third wife. How is she, I asked. That's an amazing story you have just told me. She must be pretty cool, I enthused. Greg looked a bit cautious. We are now separated. I had a kid with her that she's looking after now. Appears I just can't settle down. He smiled again. I'm just cashing in my chips at the moment. I've had enough of the business world. It's off to Asia to relax on the beaches and study meditation. That's why I'm preparing this place to let.

Penny tiptoed into the kitchen and came up to me. She looked very proud of herself. If you have finished talking to Greg, I'd like you to have a look at what I've been doing. We excused ourselves to Greg and walked out the front of the house through the garden and around to a side wall. I was very disappointed at first as Penny had painted her Piranah mural with house paint on an untreated brown brick wall. The whole picture was too flat. I was a cartoon, not a piece of polished artwork. I sat on a log and watched her paint, and then I started to appreciate what she was doing more. Penny had a really interesting and unusual style. She had a very meticulous manner. I would hardly call her creative. She applied herself so intensely, that her style was overbear ingly efficient. Penny was beautiful to watch while she worked.

I spoke with her and she revealed a bit more about herself. Down the bottom of the mural she was finishing off a much smaller image which seemed to me like it might be her signature. I asked Penny to explain its meaning to me. This my dear boy is my family coat of arms, she told me. It is the most beautiful coat of arms in the whole of celtdom and possibly even the whole world. There she said completing the outline of the sheild with deft strokes. A beautiful red dragon with its wings outstetched breathing just the right amount of fire underneath a snow capped peak within a large plain sheild. I could draw it with perfect detail by the time I was eight under my bed clothes in my room after lights out! she

proudly explained to me. This said Penny is the dragon of my ancestors the sept of MAC GILLYCUDDY!

Are you really a Scot then? I queried of her. No, she insisted, I might have a tiny bit of Scots blood somewhere I suppose. On my fathers side I'm from an indigenous Irish family of Mc Gillycuddy and our family are descendants of our great ancestor Eoghan Mor our family castle was at Dunkerron on the shore of Kenmare Bay. I would be a "Mac" if I was Scots and I would come from a clan rather than a sept. I'm an Mc and that is Irish for "child of". I'm the child of one of the great men of my country and I have an genuine Irish name! Penny proudly informed me, well I must clarify that's "quite a few" generations back now. Penny is "anglicized" a word she spat out with contempt. In Irish Gaelic it is Fionnualla which was often shortened to Nualla! It means fair shouldered woman she told me. Also did you know Conrad, that Sir Aurthur Sullivan the famous writer of comic operas is one of my "sept" said Penny with a grin.

Conrad did you know our family has a chief? I giggled at this statement and even I knew that was rude, so I quickly asked her to

tell me about him. Penny glared at me and then she started to tell me about her "chief". Well he's younger than the other chiefs and neither is he a fuddy duddy old army man. Infact he is known to be a handsome young chief popular in our familys part of Ireland. Where might that be, I asked of Penny. THE REEKS! was her proud reply. The what? Do you mean rocks, Penny or do you mean something that smells. Neither she replied in a superior manner, the Reeks are mountains! My "family seat" is at the base of the most beautiful mountains in Ireland. Have you ever met your chief, I asked of Penny. "The" Richard Mc Gillycuddy, no I've only read about him, but I might one day if ever I do make it to Ireland. Then Penny took on a concerned look. What's the matter I asked her. Well I worry sometimes, you see some of the Irish chiefs can't be bothered with Ireland anymore. The chief of the O'Briens even sold his castle to Americans who turned it into a hotel! "The" Richard Mc Gillycuddy has an English wife and I just hope, that by the time I get to Ireland if ever I do that there still is the sept of Mc Gillycuddy. How do you know all this I asked, is there a Mc Gillycuddy society or something. No grinned Penny our sept is comparatively tiny but my chief is in Who's Who of Ireland! I WAS IMPRESSED! and told her so. However I had the "devil in me" that day and behaving like a rascal was just to much fun!

You still remind me of all my Scots friends I suddenly reiterated. If you're a Scot you're a Scot, I added cheekily. No, I'm a descendant of the Tuatha De Danann and the Fir Bolg who were the ancient ancestors of the Irish people. If you know whats good for you will stop being insulting, Penny warned me. I didn't listen. Instead I had picked a huge ripe brown fig from the tree I was leaning on, and I threw it at her. Penny caught it. Then why are we playing throwing the haggis? I cheekily asked. We need a river between us to be playing throwing the haggis she dryly replied. Penny threw the huge ripe brown fig back to me. Well it takes one to know one I smirked. Then I threw the huge ripe brown fig back to her. Penny wasn't expecting this, and it exploded everywhere.

Bastard! she screamed at me just look at the mess, now I'll have to stop painting and go and clean up! I hadn't expected this. So I apologised humbly and offered to go and get dinner. What a relief she said that was o.k. and didn't seem as angry any more. I walked to Sydney Road. It was a sunny afternoon, and the air felt good. The sort of feel that makes me glad to live in Mel bourne. My brainwave was to go to the Alaysha restaurant for the felafel. Theirs are almost twice the size of everywhere else and for no extra cost. While the felafel was cooking I nicked into the milkbar near Greg's and bought us each a magnum ice cream. She glowed like the Celtic sungod when I returned with a magnum and one felafel that easily feeds two people. Look I got Kinder Surprises so we can go back to you place and give Patrick and Lily one too, I told her. Here's and extra special one for you to make up for the fig, I said in a conciliatory manner. It was extra special too not a soldier, or a gnome or a plane, but a cow that you wag the tail and its eye's close with bliss.

We walked back under the moonlight, through Brunswick and North Fitzroy closer than ever now. The next morning Florence Nightingale rang Penny they sat on the phone gossing for ages. I have not seen many people as addicted to the phone as Penny. When she got off the phone in the morning she came straight up to me and told me some news. You have to go back to your house now, Florence has found a way to help you, she said to me. You shouldn't have any preconceptions so I can't tell you what it is except for to reassure you that it is good and powerful. I can tell you it will certainly be of help. Florence is coming over at 3 pm and I told her you would be there, said Penny. I caught the tram down Queens Parade to my home.

The house I lived in was a pokey little place in Fitzroy in King Edward Street. I shared with two girls who always seemed happier living by them selves. Florence turned up on the dot of three and I made us a cup of herbal tea. It was fruit tea, a sweet tasting bright red variety one of my flatmates had just discovered. I sat with Florence on the old sofa in the back yard. She took her flat brown briefcase and opened it with a flurry. This mystery surprise will help you cope with issues, and deal with things. It's the best tool I know and I'm very good at it! Florence pulled out a pie chart, but I didn't know what she was on about! I'm a really good astrologer she said. I'm going to do your chart for you FOR FREE! Florence pulled out a blank photocopied chart a whole stack of books, and a calculator. She started asking me questions about when and where I was born. Then Florence Nightingale started writing down strange symbols. Yes I see, said Florence and then she started laughing to herself. YOU HAVE A VERY INTERESTING CHART CONRAD! she told me enthusiastically and nodded firmly to confirm this. Florence ex plained what it meant though it all seemed like double Dutch to me.

Her skin looked pure and was glowing so I commented on how healthy she seemed to be. My naturopath did this for me! I'd like you to go and see her. You see I think your immunity needs bolstering and you need to be under the supervision of a naturopath to do this. You don't mind a change of diet do you? Well first you take invigorating tea. What does that do, I asked? It invigorates you of course, replied Florence. It's a potent old Chinese herbal secret. What does that contain, I asked her? Senna, Dandelion root, silver sand and psyllium husks, she replied! You have to take three times a day for two weeks to purify your blood. Oh, and you can, Florence stopped and looked at me, and when she decided I could take it Florence continued.

It's MUCH BETTER IF YOU'RE PREPARED TO IRRIGATE. What did she mean! Was it something to do with watering the garden? Florence took my silence as a positive thing and told me what she meant. I found a bug in mine! she loudly exclaimed. I was lying on my back on the special table while my naturopath was cleaning my bowels out with a high pressure hose. It was such a relaxing and spiritual experience. After the irrigation I checked the contents. My shit was full of green tar and there was a little beetle in it THE BEETLE WAS STILL ALIVE! I couldn't take any more of this and asked Florence Nightingale to stop. She was genuinely disappointed. Florence apologised to me. Sorry Conrad, I know it's not everyone's cup of tea.

However for a quick way to a strong immunity its worth a shot, and you will certainly never get either flukes or cancer of the bowel. Florence smiled with satisfaction. I thought Penny and her friends were all anal freaks and started to make vague plans to disassociate myself from them.

It got better again though 'cos Greg liked me so much he had offered me work. I needed some extra money badly. That Penny had looked out for me made me fond of her all over again. The work turned out to be slack for good pay. All I had to do was tidy up Greg's house for his up and coming tenants. They were a tight arsed young German immigrant couple had bought Greg's St Kilda outlet "Natural is Essential. They were also going to lease his house. I dug the garden and swept the paths. I windexed the big glass table and mopped the floor. Greg seemed happy just to keep giving me money though he mostly wasn't there. I would knock off a lot and watch Penny paint. Her Piranha mural was coming along better than I had thought.

I asked her about the significance of the Piranah fish. She told me that hey are ancient symbols for death and re-birth. Greg wanted them on the East facing factory wall that adjoined his property so he could stare at it and meditate. Penny's two stylised and gaudy cartoon piranhas entwined upwards, eyes glinting, teeth gnashing, water foaming. She told me this was the first mural she had done on an untreated brick wall. There's no way I would accept this normally, she said. I felt real respect for her as an artist now. It turned out Greg had needed his mural done fast. He had taken Penny down to "Back to the Natural" and offered her 500 dollars worth of stock. All she had to do was paint him a basic Piranha mural in a week (it ended up taking her a bit longer). Penny's bedroom and wardrobe was full of what I would call Ishka clothes and gear. Stuff I didn't really like because it was hippy stuff. She loved her new belongings.

I decided to tease her further about what I believed were Scottish origins to her family name. With mock enthusiasm I called Penny into the house. Greg had some stock stored in one room. Cushions in exceptionally tall bundles, stood like a group of telephone poles. I told her to go up to one. Now bend down, I said. Lift, lift it up, I paused NOW HEAVE IT. A look of recognition crossed Penny's face. BASTARD! I know what you're getting at. I'm not tossing the Caber! She gently put the cushion pile back down. If you ever call me Scots again I will see that you live to regret it. Then the ice was broken, by a slapping sound, like seal Andres clapping.

Penny and I both cracked up with silly laughter! Whatever it was it sounded really rude. Lets peep through the window I suggested. Penny thought about it for a minute and agreed with me. So around the side of the house we snuck for a peep. Greg's and another spiritual looking mans heads were bobbing backwards and forwards behind the window. They looked like ducks in a shooting gallery. It made us giggle further. When they'd stopped we shot 'round the back door and pretended we had been in the kitchen all the time. Greg looked consequently refreshed. As if he'd just been for a swim in the high seas on a warm day. He smiled, at both of us. Greg was completely full of gladness! You were cleaning up piles of cushions in the stockroom, right? Good on you, here's 50 dollars for your trouble. I shamefully put the bill in my pocket as I needed the money. He had already turned around and clapped his friend on the shoulder.

Greg introduced him. Phil the flying meditator smiled and grinned and nodded rather than speaking. I wondered if he had a speaking difficulty. Greg asked him how he had his soya chino. With honey, replied Phil so I knew he could talk if he wanted to. The two men returned to the meditation room and we left to go home.

Penny and I were walking together and it was obvious I was getting the sniffles. That's the bad Karma, said Penny. You are being punished for your Caber tossing and Haggis throwing jokes. You'll get the flu if you don't watch it. She handed me a hanky that I gratefully accepted. I must of had Karma still coming to me cos the sniffles immediately turned into a cold.

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The four of us were planning a trip to New Zealand. Penny was bubbling over with anticipation. We have to go to Dunedin she kept on saying to me, so I asked her why going to Dunedin was so important. At first she wouldn't tell me! Its a surprise, Penny would say but in the end she couldn't help herself. I'm taking you to see my cousin MAVIS said Penny in pure pleasure. She is my favourite cousin in the whole wide world and she's indigenous! Penny stated with pride. I asked for some clarification. She has one eighth Maroi blood explained Penny. I wish I had one eight Maroi blood too, said Penny who looked quite crestfallen. Well at least I'm Celtic she said brightly. Penny told me that, Mavis has one eighth Maroi blood as well as being Celtic!

However there is something absolutely wonderful about Mavis Mc Gillycuddy that I am so proud of, infact my cousin is almost a famous New Zealander! Whats that ? I asked Penny curiously. She was involved in starting the MC GILLYCUDDY SERI OUS PARTY! breathed Penny with a look of divine exaltation. What? They are the "third force" in New Zealand politics said Penny reverently. Can you tell me about them, I asked her. I'l quote you straight from what my cousin might say, said Penny.

"Scottish monarchist regressionists intent on re-establishing the Jacobite line to control of the government" and once that is achieved "eliminating the trappings of modern society and a return to a more ecologically sustainable future". Do we get to keep chocolate biscuits in a pastoral society, asked Conrad who was grinning. That is not funny said Penny with a glare!

Well Penny tell me about your cousin Mavis Mc Gillycuddy I asked curiously. Being involved with the formation of a major political force is serious business, so I imagined Mavis to be a very serious sort of woman. She told me Mavis was an artist and the surprise nearly "blew me away". You see her father who is my uncle is a mean farmer who is very "tight" with his money.

I asked her how this affected Mavis and made her want to start a new force in politics. Well said Penny furiously the bastard would not pay for her to go to Auckland University! He contacted all the members of the family and begged them not to support her financially if she tried to disobey his word! Mavis can go to Massey, now that's a good Varsity, and when she's finished doing agricultural studies she can come back and work for me, that was farmer Mc Gillycuddys decision. He had made her life hell! She boarded at Varsity over Summer at his insistence where there's nothing to do but drink red wine with married male

lecturers who are trying to sleaze on to you! Mavis was so bored she started to devise ways to save her sanity.

What kind of things were that, I asked her. One night Mavis stole some dynamite from the Blasting Studies Course. She lit a few sticks and dropped them one of the main sewage systems and blew up every male toilet on campus! What I said incredu lously like off the cartoon show "The Simpsons" where Bart blows up his school toilets with cherry bombs? Yep replied Penny, that's where she got the idea! No one saw her do it either so she denied every thing which was quite difficult for her because they made Mavis go before boards of enquiry and the like. Mavis began to think about a new political force, one to make New Zealand a nicer place for her to live in. That winter was the low point in her life. It gets so foggy in Hamilton at that time of year that usually you can't see the person you are talking to. On Christmas day there was a family get together at the farm. Everyone was praising Mavis for the career her father had chosen for her. Mavis was now suicidal, then she just "slipped away"

What do you mean "slipped away" Penny I asked with some concern in my voice. She slipped away "into the fog" Penny mysteriously replied. Well I hope someone found her before she did herself too much damage, I retorted. Seeing a mental picture of Pennys wild cat cousin wandering teary eyed and lost in a dangerous and cold wintery fog upset me! Actually said Penny with a mischievous grin, Mavis had made the best decision of her life. How? I demand of Penny. By leaving Hamilton altogether. For what destination, I asked her. For the South Island of New Zealand! she became a "mainlander" like me.

So what did she do about her studies? Penny replied uncle was furious and cut off all connection. Father almost wouldn't let her stay with us however my mother and I stood up for Mavis, we helped her, said Penny proudly. In the end the solution was quite simple we lent her a bit of money and she re-enrolled in Otago University in Dunedin. The cost of living in Dunedin was within her means on a sole income of student allowance and this time she enrolled as a fine arts student like she should of been all along.

Then did she start the Mc Gillycuddy Serious Party, Penny? Mavis was involved with a group of like minded people in getting it off the ground. She was in the right environment now, because Dunedin is a centre of Celtic culture in my country. Mavis does the most amazing artwork! enthused Penny and she's recently been involved in her first exhibition at the Otago gallery. I asked her what Mavis draws? DRAGONS ! replied Penny she is at least as good at drawing dragons as I am at drawing PIRANAHS! I was looking forward very much to meeting Pennys wildcat cousin. However I never did get to meet her.

He can come at Christmas was the word! "Father" insisted this to Penny over the phone from New Zealand. This time I want it to be just my family, he explained. It will probably be the last time I get to see my girls together. Wow! It did seem as if Penny and I were going to get married! The last few days before they all left were very sad for Penny and I. Patrick cleaned out a whole lot of clothes he no longer wore. Penny snaffled as many of them for me as I could use. The best item was a Jim Bean t -shirt. I still have his Jim Bean t-shirt today and I wear it often as a reminder of happy times between Penny and myself. We fucked madly, cried at the airport, promising to write to each other at least once, during the three weeks. It was nearly every day that we wrote to each other.

She rang me the next night. I'm sitting under the staircase so "Father" doesn't know, Penny whispered. I just rang to tell you I got my period and I miss you painfully, she said. Me too, I replied. Everything seemed normal. I snuck behind the reception desk at the Fitzroy Skillshare and patched through a phone call to New Zealand and went in to the computer room to take my call. The first time no one answered the phone. Later I tried again and got through. Penny was overjoyed and we talked for nearly six hours. Then she sent me an amazing letter full of her strange artwork. I still have it. At that moment it was all really beautiful and romantic.

The differences in identity of our common ground Punk, Gothic, Celtic, and feminism had neatly and beautifully disappeared. It was a temporary rest before a big storm. It was the biggest tornado I'm ever going to experience from a relationship. I nearly got ripped apart, clung precariously on the edge, almost went over. I was as I still am now in love with a piranha loving ex-punk formally known as "Penny Piranah" from New Zealand who is still more beautiful than Bjork the Icelandic popstar! In a week Penny was due to get back. At which time I was going to enter into something TOTALLY UNKNOWN. My name is Conrad and this is the story of it!

Conrad was fascinated. What is it about? "gross", he asked. I don't understand the attraction, explained Conrad. You don't understand, cried Penny. Everyone knows about gross. They're sub-humans! You know people who pick clothing lint from their bums, eat their own snot and don't wash behind their ears. DON'T DO THE CLEANING PROPERLY! (Penny stared ominously at Conrad before continuing) They're sort of subhuman like animals and monsters. THEY SPREAD DISEASES AND VI RUS'S! She said this with glee.

That's why I like monster toys! Penny picked up one of her collectables and showed it to Conrad. THEY'RE ALL DEFORMED IN SOME WAY! It was a collection of kids who had been in traffic accidents and been run over while skate boarding. Penny was holding up a plastic model of a kid smashed into a car door. I love my Katy Car Door, she said emotionally. Conrad could not understand why this was a cool toy. Penny turned to him.

When are you going to do something creative? She was friendly enough but with a hint of hidden menace. I'd like you to be in a band again, she continued. Penny snuggled up to Conrad. I dunno, I'm sick of music he said. Well, what about writing some more stuff? You could write about us said Penny. She was pleased with her suggestion. Of course you would have to disguise it a bit! But we would know. Conrad knew he had to commit himself to something. He agreed to write for Shit fanzine again. Good, Penny replied. That means we can have a "Competition". Conrad looked a bit disturbed, what do you mean, he said. WE CAN SEE WHO WILL WIN! I've still got a fair bit of colouring to do of my illustrations. Then I have to find a publisher before I can be successful. You can write your piece, AND get back into a band. We can try and race each other to become successful. Who ever gets there first wins? Penny then changed the subject.

Lily and I have been having a talk about something that we need to mention to you. We will only mention it once so please pay full attention. She looked at Conrad intensely. Do you know what it is? she demanded of him. Conrad looked confused so she took him by his hand. Full of green and white formica shelves, and blue 70's tiles, the kitchen was tidy. Conrad had seen to that the night before he was due to meet the three of them out at Tullamarine airport. Penny surveyed the kitchen with the grace of a ballet dancer and rubbed her hands gently over some of the bench tops.

WHATS THIS! she demanded as she held her hands aloft! Conrad had to squint at them to work out what was going on. Maybe they're slightly dusty, he said? Penny screamed at him, the bench tops are black! Did you really clean the kitchen? I hardly think so. Maybe did the dishes, but that's the only thing you seem to of done. Conrad didn't have time to be offended or apologetic. Penny was leading him by his arm again.

She had a knife in her hand and she put it to good use. Penny scraped the tiles in the shower with delicate style, producing a fine white powder and a clear patch where the knife had been. She demanded to know what it was she had produced.

Why its BATHROOM PLAQUE said Conrad who was smiling and trying to make light of things. You could bottle it and sell it I guess Penny. Penny looked at him, she felt exasperated. I spent half a day cleaning this just before we left. Look at it now! I may as well not have bothered, (Penny looked depressed). There's another thing I have to show you too.

She bent over on the bathroom floor. Give me your finger, Conrad said. SHE RUBBED IT AROUND THE BASE OF THE TOILET! He jumped back, eeeh yuck said Conrad. Fiercely Penny replied, EXACTLY!!! I keep something especially for this, she said, and I'm going to teach you how to use it. Penny's hands dived deep under the bathroom sink. Out came an old cup with a shaggy doll of a toothbrush that had a purple handle. She squirted some detergent and hot water in the mug. Then she put on a pair of rubber gloves. This is how you keep the join around the base of the toilet clean and hygienic. It's a breeding ground for "bathroom germs". Conrad took the toothbrush off her, looked at it and absent mindedly began to scrub. No, Penny looked

most distressed. Not without gloves, otherwise you defeat the whole purpose.

Oh god, you'll probably take "bathroom germs" into the kitchen. Viruses are serious things you know. They can lie you low for quite some days. Conrad looked at her in surprise. He felt a belly laugh coming on that was uncontrollable and he rolled around helplessly on the floor. When he looked up he saw that Penny had tears coming from her eyes. Another thing I forgot to tell you, she said in a trembling voice.

I THINK I'M PREGNANT! But you told me you got your period, said Conrad. Yes, I know, said Penny. Conrad looked annoyed, then you can't be pregnant. Well, I went to my mothers to loose weight. Rather than loose I've gained. I'm a big fat cow! said Penny. I know I am because I feel pregnant, she continued. Conrad countered, no you're not pregnant 'cos you got your period. Maybe we could go bike riding or something if you want to loose weight, he added.

Penny continued to act sad and depressed. She got up to go. Penny looked at Conrad with concern. I don't know about you mister, listening is important and cleaning is too. Patrick can do both, why can't you? You need to do work on yourself. Conrad didn't know what to say. So instead of saying anything he went off and started to write. It was something for Shit Fanzine. If I write something Gothic she'll like me, Conrad thought.

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