Guilt
dealing with the emotions of having a preemie

What can help?

• Remember that feeling guilty is not the same as being guilty. Know that you are making the best decisions you can with the information you have.

• Recognize that in retrospect, it is easy to second-guess your decisions. Remind yourself when you look back that you did the best you could. Try not to beat yourself up in hindsight.

• Try to forgive yourself for not being superhuman. Spending time away from the baby, or wanting to distract yourself temporarily from the intensity of your baby's intensive care stay does not mean that you are not a loving, invested parent.

• Give yourself permission to care for yourself as well as for your child (or children). Your child needs you for the long haul!

• Seek out others who support and nurture you.

• Let yourself feel the sadness and anger that lives underneath the guilt and self-blame. By giving yourself permission to grieve your losses (of control, of a healthy, full-term birth, of the ability to protect and cure your baby), you will allow yourself to heal.

• Allow insensitive or blaming comments made by others to pass you by. Tell yourself that these comments reflect the other person's fears, not a real assessment of your responsibility.

• If you feel up to it, correct misconceptions, but don't feel obligated to do so. You and your immediate family are the priority right now.

• Remember that while you could not prevent the preterm birth, there is a tremendous amount that you can do for your baby now. Your baby will recognize and respond to voice, your smell and your touch. Your presence, your love, your attention to his or her care, and your efforts to get to know your baby all have an immeasurable impact on your child and also on your relationship.

• Know that your love for your baby comes through no matter what else you are grappling with during these difficult times.