Dealings
Comparing your experience to others’…

Points to Remember:

  Comparing yourself and your baby to others is normal. It is part of becoming connected to groups of parents and children.

  When you find yourself comparing your baby to others, realize that you may be needing to work through a loss you are feeling (such as having a baby who still needs oxygen while the babies around him are on room air).

  Realize that it's okay to celebrate your child's accomplishments, even if other babies have not reached this stage.

  When confronted with the "normal" outcome you lost, it is natural to feel isolated and uncomfortable for a time.

  Your experience counts! No matter how early your baby, or how difficult the hospital course, your experience of loss, trauma and disorientation is valid.

  Wondering what the future holds is one of the most difficult parts about having a premature baby. Comparing your baby to others may give you a sense of perspective, but it can sometimes be an inaccurate view of what is in store for your child. Try to hold onto the knowledge that each child is different.

  Realize that anxiety about the future is normal. Tell yourself that worries will recede in time and with ongoing support and information

Mara Tesler Stein is a clinical psychologist in private practice and Deborah L. Davis is a developmental psychologist and author of Empty Cradle, Broken Heart (Fulcrum, 1991; 1996). They both specialize in perinatal & neonatal crisis and adjustment, parent education and child development. They are currently writing a book, The Emotional Journey of Parenting Your Premature Baby: A Book of Hope and Healing. Mara lives in Chicago with her husband and twin daughters (born at 30 weeks gestation). Debbie lives in Denver with her husband, daughter, and three cats.