Talking with other premature parents can benefit you enormously. Whether your baby is still in the NICU or already home, you may want to know how other babies are doing. Hearing other stories gives you a sense of perspective about your child. But it also is a way for you to work out your feelings about having delivered early. By looking at others you can see scenarios that might easily have been yours. By asking about how other babies fare later, you can also imagine what might lie ahead for you and your baby -- preparing yourself for a range of possibilities.

Sharing experiences also helps you know that you are not alone. You no longer wonder if you are the only one who felt overwhelmed, numb, paralyzed or frantic. But seeking out others who have had similar experiences has an unexpected effect. It also awakens memories of your fears, and stirs up your ongoing longing for what might have been. While "regular" parents share the trials and tribulations of parenthood, their discussions generally don’t rake up overwhelming grief, anxiety and traumatic flashbacks.

Comparing notes between preemie parents also happens on a more urgent level. Comparisons are inevitable and natural. They establish your "credentials" as someone who has been through this difficult experience. Comparing notes also forms bonds with other parents: "Yes, I understand what you’ve gone through, and you understand my ordeal too." Comparing your situation to others can help you to deal with distressing issues. It allows you to feel fortunate for the complications your baby has avoided. It gives you an opportunity to recognize all that you have lost, but also all that you have gained.

But many comparisons lead to complicated, sometimes painful feelings. You may feel dismayed if you find yourself feeling competitive about whose baby was born the earliest, whose baby was vented the longest, who suffered more, as if medals were handed out for "Bravery in the Face of the Most Terrible Situation." Also, you may feel terrified about what the future holds when someone else’s baby is smiling at a certain age, and yours isn’t.

The converse can happen too. You may hesitate to share your good fortune at having a baby that was born later or heavier than another parent’s. You may not want to dwell on the fact that terbutaline worked well for you. You may hold back the fact that your baby is rolling over "on schedule". In fact, some parents of preemies wonder if their experience "counts" if they did not have a micro-preemie, or if their child's hospital course was relatively steady. If you feel this way, you may feel cut off not only from parents of full-term babies, but also from other preemie parents!