Topics Discussed This Month
Bonding with a preemie
continued from page 3
Ina shares, "When Gareth was born there was an immediate "bond" between us and from the second of his birth we were totally "into" each other. With Devin that took a long time to come. I do not know if I subconsciously blocked my feelings in a way to protect myself.
Please do not get me wrong, I LOVED Devin but did not have the feeling that I had always known him. It could also have been that for so long I had to ask permission to do anything for him and ended up not really feeling like I was his mother.  As he grew older he would turn to Doug my DH, when he needed comforting etc., this hurt and bewildered me terribly and I was distraught that I would not have the same closeness that Gareth and I had. When I tried to hold him or kiss him he would physically reject me. Suddenly, in April 1996 just after he turned 2, I picked him up and as I had done countless times before asked him for a kiss, he put his arms around me and kissed me over and over. That was the turning point and today we are as close as it is possible to get.
I wonder if he associated me with the pain he went through in NICU, I was often present when procedures were carried out on him, also we would bring him home and then have to readmit him to hospital for his numerous infections. I believe that he did not trust me, I would bring him home, love him and then desert him again in a hospital.  For me the bonding issue was terribly painful and I can sympathise with anyone going through it. All I can say is that now there is no trace of those early rejections and he is totally "Momma's boy".

Julie recalls, "Hal had a real problem with Jacob when they were first born. He refused to go near him, standing at a distance with his hands in his pockets  looking awkward and confused. Finally, Jacob's primary took me aside and said that she was worried that Hal would have very BIG problems if Jacob didn't make it. Hal and I had a long talk that night. Yes, Hal was afraid to bond with Jacob because he was afraid of learning to love him and then losing him. We talked about how he would feel if he did lose Jacob and never got to touch him or talk to him. How that could impact him for longer that bonding and losing Jacob. It was a huge struggle for Hal but he made a conscious effort to get close to Jacob. Didn't take him long to get hooked. Now, they're inseperable. All Jacob has to do is hear the car pull in the driveway and he's squeeling and squirming. And the "wanna go to Daddy?" thing works wonders for mommy ;-)"

Jan shares, "Bonding can take a long time, even without the distraction and worries about
another child, a husband, your marriage and you. And sometimes bonding with preemies takes longer. For me it had to do with making peace with the notion that I did not get what I asked for. I thought I wanted two kids (boys), one at a time and full term and I got two boys and a girl, twins and twin preemies. Lately it seems that I just didn't see at first how wonderful it can be to have twins, 3 kids and 2 miracles. Make that 3. I also had no idea how difficult and yes, terrible at times this can be, and I am amazed at the paradox that my life is all these conflicting things all at the same time.  Someone put it really well. "You have to play the hand you're dealt." But can I learn to enjoy the card game? Will I grow to love all the other players? I bet the answer is a paradox of yes and no."
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