Topics of Discussion
How do you do it?

wisdom from the Preemie-l e-mail group           http://www.preemie-l.org

Sharon responds, "I kind of say the same thing. I'm just a mom doing what I have to do. And my other one since Glen is my 1st child is that this may not be what you think is "normal" but this is normal for me. I don't know any different."

Helen quips, "When a doctor asked us "How do you do it, how do you cope?" I answered, "Well, we drink a lot." My husband, in tones of mock outrage, contradicted me "That's not true!!!" he said, "We don't drink nearly enough!" When asked how our marriage has survived, we say, "We simply haven't had time to consider the alternatives." "

Lori remembers, "It was about two weeks ago someone asked me how old that I was, and I said "26." And she said "did you ever think that you would have gone through so much when that you are still so young?" And I said "no, I would have never dreamed in a million years that I would have a 26 weeker, after having 2 other boys, and that I would go through all the things that we have been through with Christopher." She then looked at me, and said, "Would you do it all over again?" I immediately said without hesitation, "In a heart beat! Christopher has taught me so much, about myself, life and love, I would not take that back for anything in this world!" And she said, "Even if you could have had a healthy baby?" And I told her "no, I would not have the appreciation for life, if it wasn't for Christopher showing me just how precious life really is."
I just had to put my two cents in on this. I think that I will always remember those questions, because that is the first time that I have heard myself say that I would not change anything about what happened or how it happened. I am happy with the way that things turned out, and I am not afraid to say it. He is precious just the way that he is."

Mary remarks, "When I was in college (and long before I had kids), I visited a friend who's FT baby went home with an apnea monitor. I asked her if she was terrified, since I'd be terrified at the thought of my baby just forgetting to breathe! She shrugged and said it's really no big deal, if the alarm sounds, you just go stimulate him a bit and he's fine. I was sure that I would freak out, but found the fact that it didn't freak her out reassuring.
Fast forward a few years, and my preemie came home on a monitor, and you know what? It really wasn't a big deal. Although you should have heard me go off on this friend when she called and told me I could call her with any questions I might have since she was an "experienced" mother. (I went off on her and said I get credit for at least as much experience after our month long stay in the hospital, I guess she just said the wrong thing at the wrong time <g>).
I think "how do you do it" is often asked in admiration when someone seems to be handling a situation we don't with grace. People tend to be self-centered enough to think that if someone looks like they are handling something well, then they feel that way. I know I commented to my mom that while David was in the hospital, all the other parents seemed like they had it all together, and here I was falling apart.
She pointed out that they probably were thinking the same thing about me, since at the hospital I didn't *appear* to be falling apart. So many of you on this list have walked through my worst nightmares, and come out alive. I do sometime think "there but for the grace of God..., but it's not meant to be pitying or "how lucky I am", I actually draw strength from it. I know by looking at you that even if my worst fears came true, I would survive, that it is possible to go on with your life and get out of bed in the morning.
I can also say, however, that I'm just beginning to realize how rough on my self esteem it would have been to have a child with a disability. Actually, I think mental problems would have been harder for me to take then physical problems. I was always a smart kid, and always expected my kids to be the same way. A few months ago, David, now 5, got his first report card from preschool. It wasn't until I realized how nervous I was to read it, afraid that maybe he's not up to speed in some areas, that I realized how much of my self esteem is tied up in what my kids do, and how much I get a vicarious thrill when my kids are better at something than someone else's kid. Which is good to know, so I can watch my attitude and make sure my kids know I love them no matter what, and not just when they outperform someone else."

Krissanne adds, "I would say to anyone asking that question "How do I do it?"...... "What WOULDN'T you do for YOUR child?" or "We do it because we are parents" I used to say that I had no choice - but I DID have a choice - I DIDN'T have to visit her in the hospital, I DIDN'T have to fall in love with her. I WANTED to do those things, and I would gladly do it all again if I had to. We do it because we are parents!"

Bob reveals, "Usually I just respond with, "Sleeplessly, thank you..."

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