Topics of Discussion
wisdom from the Preemie-l e-mail group http://www.preemie-l.org
Maren observes, "I have a very close friend whose son is a year older, and through all her mommy venting about exhaustion
and frayed nerves, she has said often, "I don't know how you do it, I don't know if I could have done it. I'm so proud of you."
I've never felt it was a silly comment/question. I appreciate her respect and valuing how BIG this has been for us. But I tell her, "I just did it, what else could I do? Every time something comes up, you just take care of it, whatever you have to do, you just do it. And you would to." I don't think there is any wise answer or response. I think it is mostly a way of showing admiration and respect for facing such trials...and acknowledging that it is terrifying to imagine facing them.
But I also got to thinking of how I/we have done it. We've supported each other all the way (even fighting, we always come around to "being there" for each other however we can) to deal with this how each needs to, without demanding that the other deal "our" way. Honoring each other's Path was a part of our vows. And being Grateful for one another.
We have a huge faith/courage in Life. We are realistic, but optimistic. We wrap our fears in light and love, and we try to always be grateful for what we have, for how blessed we are, rather than obsessing on what we don't have or fear.
We believe in Gabriel's spirit, and honor his Path. He is first his own being, and our child second. This helps not wanting to change, control or "fix" him, but just support and help him however we can. I can grieve over my own losses or feeling I'm not doing enough, but I mostly have only joy for who and how Gabriel is, not grief or pain about him.
So, when I felt all tied up about Dave not going to the hospital as much as I did, I realized that that was his way, and this was my way, and let it be. When I or Gabe really needed him, he was always there, and healed us both in many ways. When I felt helpless and afraid, I prayed to the higher power I believe in, for strength, to comfort Gabe when I couldn't be there, to help me have the clarity to make good decisions for him, to help me find peace in my heart. When I questioned why this terrible thing was happening, I kept in mind Gabe's strong spirit and that something larger than myself was taking place. I thanked him for coming into our lives, and always felt pride at every thing he accomplished and fought for. I am constantly amazed at the blessing of his presence in my life, what a gift to live this life in his company, as his mother.
I "do it" by not wishing it were different, accepting it and embracing it as it is, and loving every minute of it deeply in my heart. This might sound odd, but the older Gabe gets, the more I have this feeling that I could go back and do it all over again. I've never experienced such intensity and passion so focused on one person, so completely surrendered to love. Now that things are normalizing, I am not so focused, and sometimes "snap to attention" of how brief this time is with my child. This always makes me cry, and I have to squeeze and kiss Gabe a lot."
Kris responds, "joyfully, tiredly. humorously, rambunctiously, patiently, impatiently, flexibly, crankily, joyfully,
amazedly, hopefully, doggedly, edgily, laughingly, resourcefully, perseveringly, joyfully, respectfully, devotedly, exhaustedly, wondrously,
creatively, joyfully, lovingly, gratefully, cussedly, musically, huggably, smoochably, stinkily
Kay adds, "I haven't come across that question too much -- we haven't gotten very social yet. But, I would have to
resort to some like the following (depends on the person asking and how I feel that day):
Sheila remarks, "Well I too hear that a lot, being a single Mom of two still fairly young children, and I also prefer snappy retorts to this kind of question, so what a say with a laconic look on my face, and apologies to Gallo Wineries... How do I handle it ? "I solve no crisis before it's time"... but then I'm a wise cracker from a long line of wise crackers."