Dealings
Bonding In The NICU And Beyond

By: Mara Tesler Stein, Psy.D. and Deborah L. Davis, Ph.D.

Bonding After Premature Birth

While "full term bonding" involves picking out baby bunny wallpaper for the nursery and snuggling with the baby after delivery, "preterm bonding" can involve walls lined with blaring monitors and being afraid to touch the baby for days after delivery. Nevertheless, the tenants of bonding that hold true for full term parents also hold true for preterm parents: Bonding is a process that occurs over time, bonding has peak moments, and bonding is flexible, dynamic and resilient.

Time
It is very important for you to remember that bonding is what happens over time as you get to know your baby. You are not missing out on a critical period for bonding when you miss the last part of your pregnancy, or when you can’t hold your slippery newborn against your body. When your baby is in the NICU, you’re not "missing the boat" and if you feel detached, you are not a "bad" parent. While feelings of detachment can look and feel like you don’t care about or feel anything for your baby, in fact, your detachment is an important feature of how you cope with the trauma of premature delivery. There is no way your mind can absorb all that has happened, the vast changes in plans, and the future implications of this turn of events. You need time to adjust to this new reality, time to learn how to navigate your new world, and time to emotionally come to terms with it all. If you find yourself avoiding the NICU and/or your baby, particularly early on, this is a normal and natural reaction to the stress and trauma of having an early, medically compromised baby. Feelings of detachment don’t mean you’re an unfit mother or father. It means you are a new parent adjusting to a new baby and to a different situation than you were prepared for.

Also, if the preterm delivery was coupled with a medical crisis for the mother, her own physical recovery and medical needs overlap with her concern for her baby and getting to know the NICU landscape. Some mothers are unconscious or unable to leave their beds for days after a preterm birth. It can feel so surreal to look at a fuzzy Polaroid picture of an infant who should still be tucked away inside the uterus. It's absolutely normal to feel detached under such circumstances.

If you yearned to be near your baby and were not able to either because of your medical circumstances or because the NICU staff was still working to stabilize your preemie, remember that the longing, even if coupled with fear, is one element of the attachment that you have to your child.

Peak Moments
Although you may be too scared or dazed to appreciate them, you will still experience peak bonding moments. For instance, you may not dare get your hopes up, for fear that any upswings won’t last long. You may not enjoy being with your baby, because it’s hard to see her so sick. You may dread taking your baby home, for fear of being the one to do him in. Nonetheless, in spite of your worries, when you feel so thankful that your baby is alive, when you dress him for the first time, when you start making discharge plans, or when you simply think to yourself how precious she is, you have experienced a peak moment. Sometimes it may feel more like terror than love, but it is still a peak moment.