There is no such thing as a “simple” update when your child is in the NICU. It can be difficult to casually relay an update on your child without delving into a barrel full of related issues or detailed explanations. When people ask about feeding, progress, or discharge, there is not always an easy way to share the information without giving a fairly detailed explanation. This can be inhibiting to parents, as arduous for listeners. Even though parents may wish to tell others about their child, parents can easily tire of sharing the story when it always needs to be accompanied by a ten minute seminar on another aspect of prematurity, followed by a question and answer session. Finally, the answerless questions of “when” can be endlessly frustrating, especially when you wish you had an answer even more!

We, as parents, ask a lot of listeners. They are expected to actively listen, allow their misperceptions to be corrected, maintain a hold on the details, (which can become overwhelming quite quickly), understand the complex medical jargon, ask the “correct” questions, and, finally, interpret the correct “feeling” of the information and respond appropriately. This is not an easy task, especially if the listener does not anticipate such a involved role. They might become bored and overwhelmed with the “why’s” and “how’s”, when all they really wanted was a simple answer.

“I wanted to educate myself instead of having to repeat the same story five hundred times.” - Jennifer

“It was difficult to explain to others how small she really was. People asked the strangest questions, like “what does she look like? Does she have everything she’s supposed to have?” - Debbie

“Some of the medical treatments involved were difficult to explain because I had no familiarity with them.” - Sherilyn “I hated when I spent five minutes explaining something, only to be met with a totally clueless question showing that they had not listened to a thing I just said.” - Kerry

“The hardest part was answering ‘when’ questions.” - Kathy

Finally, many parents tire of answering insensitive questions which appear lacking in compassion. They may pull back from many friends and family members in an effort to protect themselves from stinging remarks. This reaction, while normal and understandable, further isolates the parents.

“I found myself backing away from many people. Perhaps this accounts for the feelings of isolation that were so acute. I got to the point that when someone responded with any sensitivity, I was so surprised and touched.” - Jan