Topics Discussed This Month
Is this what everyone feels?
wisdom from the Preemie-l e-mail group
Mara,Clinical Psychologist, reassures, "I just wanted to add that the feeling of waiting for the "other shoe to drop" is EXTREMELY common amongst parents of preemies.  It is also a common experience amongst people who have experienced trauma. 
When we live through trauma, it is common to become "hypervigilant."  This is not a "choice" we make, but has some clear physiological elements.  It becomes much easier to trigger things like rapid heartrate, quick breathing, adrenaline surges, etc.  Then we pay attention to our body signals (which are telling us that there's danger afoot) even when there may not be ACTUAL danger this time...
So, in addition to our changed perspective after having a preemie, we also may experience changed physiology which makes us exceptionally sensitive to even very small signals and signs of potential danger.
As an example...I can remember when the girls were first home, feeling my heart race when I heard a SNIFFLE.  Just a sniffle.  It was the physiological experience of PANIC.  That's because I was hypervigilant because I had been traumatized...and I responded any "risky" sign as giant danger.
I also think that when you have almost lost something dear to you, part of recovering from that is worrying that you may yet lose it.  We now know that losses of that magnitude are possible.  It's harder to close our eyes."

Suzie writes, "I commiserate entirely. Even after it was clear that Nolin was out of the woods, I still felt like I was prying my fingers off the little guy every time I'd leave him with the babysitter. What finally helped me pull out of it was going on a one-week cruise to the Caribbean with DH when Nolin was about 13 months old. It didn't help that Nolin developed croup the night before we left, so I really had to force myself to get on that airplane and leave Atlanta the next morning. Our first port-of-call was St. Thomas, and from there we made the most expensive 5-minute phone call we'd ever made to check on Nolin, but he'd rallied and was back to himself again, so I decided to enjoy the rest of the cruise (hey...why not?). By the third day I was having a great time and only occasionally pulling out my pictures of Nolin to look at them.
Sometimes it takes drastic measures like a romantic cruise with your DH to pull you out of that fear that something's going to go wrong with your preemie. It's a tough job, but you're the only one who can do it. :-) Get creative and see what you can come up with."

Krisanne adds, "I, too am fighting with myself over over-worrying about Kaia (my 24 weeker now 3 1/2 years)).  I try to tell myself that she is healthy now, and not to worry.  But I still do.  I panic when she gets a cold, I panic when she doesn't poop for a couple days, I check to make sure she is still alive if she sleeps more than two hours for her afternoon nap.  But I NEVER check on her sister(FT Katie now 21 months).  Katie gets a cold, she gets cough meds and a longer nap.  She sleeps longer, I never check on her.  She doesn't poop for a couple days, I tell myself she will tomorrow.  I also find myself DOING alot more for Kaia.  Like playgroups.  I stopped going when Kaia went to preschool - she didn't need them anymore.  My hubby asked "What about Katie?"  I don't keep syrup of Ipeccac in the house - because Kaia cant have it (she is unable to throw up).  The doctor asked "What about Katie?"   I feel SOOOO bad when I forget Katie.  She gets the same amount of love, but I take her development for granted"

Sara agrees, "It's NOT just you, believe me!  My 24 weekers are now 5 1/2 and I *still* have those feelings of waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I worry about them much more than "regular" Mom's do about their children, I know I do!     It seems just when I start to let my guard down and actually think we're over this "preemie stuff", something happens and we're back to square one.  I don't think I'll ever be a "regular mom"...but then, maybe that's not such a bad thing!  I know that not only am I more protective (ok, a worrywart!) of my children, but I also have an incredible bond with them - as I once wrote - a bond known only to those who have faced tragedy and triumphed! :)"

Alfredo relates, "Hi all --- my former 26 weekers are know 20 months (chrono), and doing well despite some minor problems. Yet I do tend to be "jumpy" when they seem sick or unhappy. Furthermore, some night I wake up in the middle of the night with a "lump" on my throat that is only "goes away" after I check them over in their cribs. Also, the other day I was in a store, and minutes before closing this beep beep sound, very similar to the desat alarms at the NICU, went on and it gave me a jolt. I think that for baby and their parent the whole NICU experience eleaves a "trauma" that perhaps lingers forever ?"
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