a special collaborative column!
Getting Along with
the Grandparents of your Preemie
Until you delivered early, you may never have had the opportunity to see your parents cope with a major crisis or family trauma. Some grandparents are more skilled than others at coping with their anxiety and fear and can tune in to the needs of their adult children. Others are more easily overwhelmed by what is happening around them. In any event, your need for them to respond to you, to help you to cope with your own feelings doesn't go away no matter how skilled they are in providing support. If their coping clashes with yours, you may feel even more alone. If it meshes well, you may feel more supported than you could ever have imagined.
It is common for grandparents to hang back, not offer congratulations or get very involved. Bonding with a baby who may die can seem unbearable to some grandparents. You too may feel inadequate, like you’ve let them down, and you may fear your parents' criticism for not having a smooth pregnancy. Your vulnerability and theirs can sometimes keep you far apart.
Hanging back:
"My mom had a hard time bonding with such a sick baby. I felt the same way initially, but it still hurt me."
"They never acknowledged the birth with anything - no card, no flowers, balloons, nothing for the baby. It felt like they were just waiting to see if he made it."
"They were totally intimidated by him...it created a lack of bonding for Marcus and a feeling of desertion for me."
"I felt like I’d let my daddy down by not having a ‘perfect’ child."
"They both quickly left town to return to their home. I felt abandoned. They gave new meaning to the saying ‘When the going gets tough, the tough get going.’"
Just right:
"The first night when my husband was told that his wife and baby might not make it through the night...his mother just held him and let him cry on her shoulder."
"(They) were supportive in so many ways possible...my mom watched my older son, she took total care of the house, and helped to keep us from falling apart. I totally resent my mother in law...she was disgusted by how jaundiced he was and she didn’t want to hold him because he was so small."
"They were happy and celebrated the birth. It made his early birth seem a little more normal."
BOUNDARIES, or respecting your
role as parents…
Under even the most ideal circumstances, new parents
struggle with how much input they want from their own
parents. When you have a baby who requires special care,
your sensitivity to the advice you receive, and your
desire for your parents’ respect is heightened. Some
grandparents pull back too far, leaving parents feeling
abandoned or rejected. Others move in too close, trying
to take control in order to soothe their own feelings of
anxiety and panic. They may even seem to feel some
emotions more intensely than you, the parent.
back to index
go to next page