E-Male
Back to the Hospital

Getting Along with the Grandparents
of your Preemie

There’s also a big difference in terms of how much attention you receive from the medical staff. In the NICU, the nurses had, at most, three babies to look after. You could pretty much guarantee that they’d drop everything when you came by and dedicate themselves to answering your questions, allaying your fears, tolerating your exhausted ramblings and gobbling up your Oreos (some of the nurses, at least). In Peds, the nurses typically had seven or eight kids to look after, so it was every man for himself. I had to prepare Eric’s bottles, change his diapers, feed him his meals, etc. Why, I even had to walk across the room and change the channel on the TV because there was no remote. I had no idea medical facilities were so primitive! I’m surprised they didn’t come after him with leeches!

One similarity I did find to Eric’s NICU stay was the difference in attitude between Heather and myself. She tended to see things on a more emotional plane, and I was more rational and logical. In general, I think that it’s probably true that women want to nurture the patient and help them through the illness, while the men just want to solve the problem and make the patient well. I had a much easier time tolerating the placement of his IV, because, heartless male that I am, I focused on the fact that it was necessary for him to get better. All she saw was a crying little boy who was being tortured and who needed comforting. That’s probably why he’ll grow up hating Daddy.

I suppose it’s a good thing Eric had the balance between my approach and Heather’s. She sort of looked out for his emotional well being, and I handled the task of getting him better. Of course, he had the last laugh on all of us. No sooner did we get him home from the hospital than the rest of the family came down with a hideous stomach virus. He was merrily crawling around, pulling up on the couch and smiling at you, while you lay there with even your eyelids feeling queasy. They say revenge is a dish best served cold. I’ll take mine flat, with some saltine crackers.

If you are having trouble dealing with comments or overinvolvement of grandparents, you can pull back. Let them know that you need some space to figure things out for yourself. Set limits and stick to them. Grandparents are NOT entitled to free reign to take over; you have a right to protect yourself and a right to privacy. Temporary distance is a reasonable alternative to constant coaching about preemies or fighting for your needs and wishes.

You deserve to get what you need. If your parents cannot be supportive, find other sources of support in friends, other parents, and professional counseling. Don’t rely on your parents if they are not reliable.

Mara Tesler Stein is a clinical psychologist in private practice and Deborah L. Davis is a developmental psychologist and author of Empty Cradle, Broken Heart (Fulcrum, 1991;1996). They both specialize in perinatal & neonatal crisis and adjustment, parent education and child development. They are currently writing a book, The Emotional Journey of Parenting Your Premature Baby: A Book of Hope and Healing. Mara lives in Chicago with her husband and twin daughter (born at 30 weeks gestation). Debbie lives in Denver with her husband, daughter, and 3 kitties