Dealings

Presentation from The Alexis Foundation Conference Grieving and Coping After the Premature Birth of Your Baby, Part two
By: Mara Tesler Stein, Psy.D.
The next sign happened when they were three weeks old. Stable on a small amount of oxygen, Gavriella began to desaturate slightly, but regularly. I became increasingly anxious. I felt a knot in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to know what was wrong, I wanted the doctors to take some action towards determining why this was happening. Everyone seemed quite nonchalant. "It's just a preemie thing." they said. It just wasn't good enough. So for the first time, I pushed. I asked to have our primary attending paged. After some confusion, the attending present agreed to do a chest x-ray. I left the unit for change of shift and when I returned, I was informed that Gavi had some pulmonary edema. "I know." I said. Our resident, a new mom herself, came up to me and said, "You're a mom, you know these things." But I rejected that idea, initially. "I'm a clinician!" I said. "I know how to go about making a diagnosis -- I just don't have all the medical information to make a diagnosis here!" At the time, I couldn't accept that there was a part of me that knew, that felt, and was accurate -- and that this part was not purely my professional self. I couldn't believe that there was a competent mom inside of me. And I also couldn't really believe that the agonizing knot in my stomach that I felt when watching Gavriella's monitor had anything to do with being competent -- with being relevant. What I realize now, looking back, is that these were the first small steps towards integrating who I used to be, and who I am now. I used to be a professional. I still am, but now I'm a mom. I'm not just any kind of mom…I'm a mom who went on this journey and is still surviving, most days! Take some time and think about the way things used to be -- the way you used to be. Think some more about what this experience has given you. The journey is ongoing. The road you are on will never be the same one that you thought you were entering when you imagined parenting this baby. The parent you imagined that you would be is probably somewhat different than how you developed. But this difference does not mean that you are damaged. It does not mean that you have not "recovered" from the premature birth. What it means is that you are transformed. And that's exactly as it should be.
Night Vision Suzanne Vega (1986)
By day give thanks By night beware Half the world in sweetness The other in fear When the darkness takes you With her hand across your face Don't give in too quickly Find the thing she's erased	Find the line, find the shape Through the grain Find the outline, things will Tell you their name The table, the guitar The empty glass All will blend together when Daylight has passed Find the line, find the shape Through the grain Find the outline, things will Tell you their name	Now I watch you falling into sleep Watch your fist curl against the sheet Watch your lips fall open and your eyes dim In blind faith I would shelter you Keep you in light But I can only teach you Night vision
Mara Tesler Stein is a clinical psychologist in private practice. She specializes in perinatal & neonatal crisis and adjustment, parent education and child development. She, and Deborah L. Davis, are currently writing a book, The Emotional Journey of Parenting Your Premature Baby: A Book of Hope and Healing.
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