" I rescheduled the shower because I did not feel ready to face the co-workers at
my school. I was not ready for questions, and not ready for their response to his photos.
Many of them had shared too many "don't have a clue" comments that just plain
hurt me. I couldn't face that with Tyler still in the NICU."
Planning a shower after the baby arrives:
Sometimes, in an attempt to regain some semblance of normalcy, a mother may
encourage others to host a shower. This can provide encouragement and hope to her about
her baby's possibilities. It also offers her the chance to have others outwardly recognize
the birth, at a time when people may not know whether to celebrate or mourn.
"Right after my daughter was born at 25 weeks gestation, my friends asked what
they could do to help. I told them that it was very important for me to be able to look
forward and prepare for her homecoming. Once we knew she was going to be okay, I also
wanted to send people the message that I had a beautiful healthy baby girl who just needed
some time to grow, so that those people who did not know how to respond (or worse, were
sending me sympathy cards!) would understand our situation."
Sometimes, the shower is delayed indefinitely. The hostess might want to give a shower,
but feel uncomfortable doing so -- unsure how to recognize both the birth and the
uncertainty and losses simultaneously. This can cause more hurt and an increased sense of
loss as you wait for your circle of friends to recognize the birth and your baby.
"It felt awkward -- the shower felt like it was something they felt obligated to
do, not something that they enjoyed setting up for me."
"By the time we had the shower, I had bought all the things he needed for the
first 6 months. I almost felt like I didn't deserve to have a shower after all this
time."
Whenever the shower occurs, the mother may experience many feelings that can cloud the
joyous affair. It is not uncommon to feel strange or odd about your appearance. Many may
comment on your appearance.
"It felt strange because he was supposed to be still inside me, it felt almost
like something was missing."
"If I heard one more person say I was so lucky to be so thin, I thought I would
hit them. Not once did anyone attribute it to the stress I was under or the depression I
was dealing with."
There may be many, many questions that people want to ask. This might make you nervous
or uncomfortable. Some may be considerate, others just rude. Either way, it can be painful
to discuss some aspects surrounding your baby.
"Some didn't have a clue of how little he was even after telling them the weight,
and others had some real deep questions regarding his health and welfare."
"At first I was nervous and didn't know what to say to people because I was afrAId
they just wouldn't understand."
"One of the nicest things my principal ever did was to tell people
to give me space and let me lead the conversation. No one stepped out of bounds and I was
so relieved."
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