Topics Discussed This Month
one year blues
wisdom from the Preemie-l e-mail group
Leslie wonders, "For the past year, I have been dealing with all of his eye surgeries, illnesses, growth concerns, ect...without really stopping to think about it. As you all know, we don'tstop and have nervous break-downs, or feel sorry for ourselves, or our babies, we move on, doing the best for our families. When Patrick wasin the NICU, we were always upbeat, happy and in a relatively good mood because he was doing well. We also have a FT daughter (3 yrs. old). One day a nurse told me... "watch out, because even though you are handling things now, one day it will all come out"! Well... yesterday I realized that one year ago this coming Friday was the day my water broke (PROM). This seems like it would not be a big deal, but I started crying. I then actually stopped and thought about the past year. This has been the longest year in all of my 33 years. Look at everything I have been through, and I've kept this "good attitude" through the whole thing! My friends, family and work associates are always saying, "how do you do it"? "How do you keep such a positive attitude"? I just do. All of the sudden I feel like I need help. The therapist said it is very commom for a one year aniversary to bring on these emotions. I feel like I am mourning something, but feel like I do not have the right to be sad because Patrick is GREAT! I want someone to say, "go ahead and cry, you deserve it!" Have any of you noticed that family and friends say... "you should be thankful that he is ok, it could have been a lot worse" Like we don't already know that! I am very thankful and we are very blessed that Patrick is OK excpet for his vision! What am I feeling? Am I sad that life is not what I expected? That can't be all of it. If Patrick is fine, then why does his one year birthday bring on such sad feelings? Am I on the verge of a having that "nervous break-down" the nurse warned me about? Have any of you ever felt this way? What is it about the one year mark that brings this on?  What do I do to feel better?"

Jane offers, "I haven't reached the one year point yet, but from what I do know your experience isn't unordinary. You are grieving the loss of something (a normal pregnancy, birth, delivery, newborn child, age appropriate child) and the one year mark is what counselors call a "trigger". You can still be happy that your son turned out so well and still be grieving what you lost. Be easy on yourself. This comes from my experience of losing two of my triplets -- everyone seemed to think I should be able to "be happy you have the one"...well I was, but I   was also grieving the other two. Plus grieving all the "normal" stuff I missed. "

Susan says, "Let yourself cry. I think you are going through all of the "normal" healing stages and this is one of them. I think that when Sammy hit two, it was even harder for me than when he turned one. We were still too caught up in the urgency and seriousness of his status at that time. Whereas when he turned two, his condition was better and we had received the first positive signs that his body was starting to make antibodies. It may be years (decades even) until we can get through these milestones without hitting the replay button in our mind's recorder. Until that day, we have to carry these feelings around (happy and sad) and beallowed to express them.  I wish I could remember the author of the following quote, but it speaks to me when I am dealing with the juxtiposition of emotions. It goes something like this: Those who experience the greatest sorrow are those who have known the greatest joy."

Tracy offers, "YOU ARE NOT GOING CRAZY!!!!! Actually you are experiencing what most of us (with kids over a year that is) have gone through.  The first birthday is a really hard time because it really does bring your focus back to the birth of your baby. It does this with all children but of course for us it is definately a bitter sweet memory. On one hand we have our babies and they are doing fairly well all things considered, but we also have had some very real losses. All of the dreams of pregnancy,birth, and a cubby beautiful newborn have been lost. This must be allowed to vent. Now listen very carefully... GO AHEAD AND CRY!!! YOU DESERVE IT!!! Seriously, you should not feel guilty or unjustified in grieving the losses.And acknowledging them will make it easier for you to enjoy the successes."

Christine remembers, "This is an excert from my daughter's journal I keep regarding my blues.....{The past week has been an emotional rollercoaster for me. All starting on February 12th, it was all I could do not to cry. I was sad for a few reasons. The first being the reminder of her birth which though not tragic, but untimely and premature. The other is the phase she passed into on Feburary 18, 1998. My daughter, though still considered a baby is on her way to being a toddler. She walks. She no longer crawls. She stands up and then just goes. There's not stopping her now. I haven't seen her crawl in nearly a week. Breanna is beginning to talk more. Just yesterday she looked me right in the eye, blurted out a whole sentence then when on about her business. I looked back at her and wanted to know so much of what wasjust said to me.} TOTALLY normal and yes, very sad for two reasons, losing a baby and the rememberance of a beautiful experience lost!"
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