"Crying which persists despite the parents trying everything they know to console the infant, can cause an almost unbearable strain which is seldom recognised as intense by those who have never encountered it."
(Kevill F. and Mortime P."Infant Care Frustration and Despair", in Community Outlook, May 1995)

Many parents have been through untold stress and confusion with their child's illness.  It is important that they at all times have access to someone to talk to in relation to their worries, their child's problems and management.

Parental management can be as important as the management of the child and may involve: -
· Listening
· Support
· Counseling; informal or professional
· Social worker advice
· Relaxation techniques and tapes
· Community support
· Enhancement of contact with the baby e.g. massage
· Referral to a psychiatrist, especially if depressed.

It is often difficult for a mother to bond with a distressed child who rejects her or cries most of the time.  Other family relationships are often altered and suffer because of the stress within the family unit.

Parents are often confused by conflicting advice (mothers especially) and can readily become socially isolated.

The reinstatement of intimacy often needs specific discussion and attention between the parents.

Fathers are not immune from needing help, as more fathers are sharing the parenting role, but the 'macho male image' makes it harder for him to seek out the support that is available.  DISA has this facility, our committee members are of mixed gender, and we invite and support the  male carer.

Many emotions and thoughts are experienced by parents who have cared for a distressed infant.  You may relate to some or all of the following:

· WHY?   Why is my baby unsettled and distressed when my friends babies are so good and settled?  Has my baby got a medical problem or is it just his or her nature?

· Tired

· Depressed

· Confused

· Helpless

· Low self esteem

· Isolated

· No support

· No one understands

· Need to talk with someone with similar problems

· Torn between needs of a distressed baby who requires more  attention and the needs of other members of the family

· No time for yourself

· Baby is too distressed to take out visiting, shopping etc.

You may identify with many of the above, and you may also be able to identify more thoughts and emotions, but rest assured these feelings are shared by many other parents of distressed infants. 

It is important to remember that a crying infant is demanding and as such you should be realistic in what you expect of yourself.  Acknowledge your limitations and change your priorities to assist you in coping during this trying time.  The following suggestions may also help:

· Don't feel you have to do everything yourself e.g. housework, cooking. 

· Don't try to be 'supermum' - no one expects you to be.

· Try not to be a perfectionist, don't expect too much of yourself or other family members, everyone handles stress differently.

· Accept offers of help and don't be embarrassed to ask.

· Share tasks, and care with your partner and where appropriate other siblings, family and friends.  Maybe you know a student or unemployed person  who could help with daily chores?

· Family and friends maybe able to supply home cooked meals to freeze for later use.

· Friends or family might be able to do your weekly shopping when doing theirs, have a list ready.

· Let others mind the baby while you go out - even if it is only to go outside and do some gardening

· Take a break; a friend or relative could babysit, or use an Occasional Child Care Centre (your local council has a list).  Some people feel refreshed after a break, others feel anxious when parted from their child, do what feels right for you!

· Explain to siblings, at their level of understanding, what the situation is and how they can help

· Try to give siblings their own time out with parents, to help alleviate feelings of rejection

· Remember - a mother has needs also!

Look after yourself - exercise, relax, eat well and when  possible sleep.  You will feel better able to cope with the situation.  Friends and family will be happy to assist in the knowledge that they are helping you

· Plan some simple recreation.  Set some time aside each weekend for an outing with the family, e.g. park.  Plan an outing for you and your partner, take an hour or two to have a hamburger in peace, a walk in the park together etc.

· Roster sleep times with your partner (yours & mine).  One copes with infant until the second shift starts.

· Rest every time baby sleeps (if this is your only child)

· Use spare time doing things you enjoy eg. reading.

· Try not to become over tired & stressed.

· Don't blame yourself.

· If you don't have a support network speak to professionals about this - there are services which can help.

· Live in the present, don't dwell on the past, and don't worry about the future.

· Think about how you might change stressful situations, e.g. take baby back to doctor or get help around the home.

· Ask people not to bounce or feed the baby, or any action you feel will unsettle the baby.

· Each of us is human and as such our limits of coping vary.  Don't be afraid to admit if you feel you  are not coping and need support or help.