Satire (20-Feb-2006)

Here is the transcript of the interview with Mr Circumcision, whose passion is removing the ends of small boys' penises.

I notice that you have a commercial website named www.penisreductionsurgery.com.au which is supported by sponsored links. Isn't it considered incorrect for GPs to advertise their practice?

Yes, its completely unethical and almost illegal. I've become quite adept at sailing close to the edge of the law for years now.

You say you circumcise over 2000 boys a year. How do you mange this when officially "routine circumcision is not recommended"?

I'm pretty much a law unto myself.

Quite a few journalists have said that your technique with the plastic thingey does not involve cutting, yet on your website you say it does involve cutting.

If journalists misquote me, who am I to stop them? It's fantastic for business that so many rumours are going around that say partial penis removal can be done without cutting. Even better, some rumours are going around that it drops off just like the umbilical cord, which helps to reinforce the notion that its totally painless.

Local anaesthetic may reduce pain reduction, but isn't the notion of it being totally painless a bit exaggerated?

"Totally painless" is quack talk for reduced pain.

On your website you state, "There has been a deliberate plot to misname infibulation (removal of the clitoris), "female circumcision", to link the two procedures." The women involved use the terms "circumcision" and "circumcised" themselves. Why is it you mention infibulation, which is the most extreme form, when removing the outer labia and clitoral hood is much more common?

It's good business to mention only the most extreme example of female genital mutilation. It disassociates my practice from something that is seen as negative. Also, I don't really know about female genital mutilation.

You also say that infibulation more closely resembles amputation of the penis. How can this be when the penis is many many times larger than the clitoris?

It is important for me to distance female genital mutilation from male genital mutilation as much as possible.

Do female circumcision (not infibulation) and male circumcision have anything in common?

Both are genital procedures. They both involve cutting of the genitals. Both cause immense pain. Both can result in death. Both are done for aesthetic reasons. Both are done for hygienic reasons. The effects of both are trivialised. Both are done without consent. Both are done at parents' request. Both cause loss of sexual pleasure. But no, they have absolutely nothing in common.

You say there is recent information that supports your practice, but many of the studies you refer to are decades old.

Circumcision has been around as tribal branding for thousands of years. A study in 1916 is very recent compared with 4000 years ago.

Many of the figures you mention don't match up with figures given by other sources.

This is because the studies I mention have been selected very carefully. Many have been done by supporters of circumcision to enhance its status. Most are badly flawed. Some are impossible for others to find. I choose the ones that are the most extreme, and I ignore any that don't show circumcision in a favourable light.

You mention penile cancer a lot on your website. Is it possible for the layperson to confuse this incredibly rare cancer with the very common prostate cancer?

Absolutely. It's not in my interests to say that penile cancer rates are lower in non-circumcising European countries than in the circumcising USA.

Are you aware that anti-cancer societies have told US doctors to stop scaring parents with stories of penile cancer?

I've found fear to be a great manipulator and very good for business.

Have you ever met a man with penile cancer?

You have stated at different times that the current circumcision rate in Australia is 25%, another time its 50%, yet everyone else says its about 12%.

I have a lot of trouble with figures. I once had on my website that 1 in 500 men got penile cancer; now I'm saying 1 in 600 men over 40 years of age, get it. There are only about 400 cases a year in the whole of the UK, so I still have a while before I get the figures right.

Your website says nothing about what a foreskin is for, how a normal penis functions in sex, and so on.

That's because I have no idea whats it's like to have a foreskin. Mine was stolen from me the day I was born. If one makes a living by hacking them off, there's no incentive to find out what they are for.

Are are aware that a foreskin contains tens of thousands of nerve endings and there is a lot more to them than what most people realise?

Its not in my interests to know such things.

Why do you use terms like "uncircumcised" and "non-circumcised", instead of "normal"?

'Uncircumcised" has negative connotations like unclean, unhealthy, unemployed and implies that something needs to be done. "Normal" makes it sound like its fine as it is.

If men were supposed to have foreskins, wouldn't they be born with them?

You need to decide which is better: the wisdom of millions of years of evolution or the judgement of individuals such as myself.

Why do you not mention that medical circumcised was introduced in order to stop masturbation, hence to prevent insanity?

I'm an entrepreneur, so I am not into undermining my own business.

I notice that you charge very high fees, much higher than those suggested by MediCare.

Its a question of supply and demand. Because routine infant circumcision is not recommended (and other reasons), ethical doctors do not perform circumcisions. The few that do, can charge premium prices. Also, making it expensive can make it more desirable for parents. Many people are suckers for, "The more you pay, the more it's worth."

On your website it states that all foreskins are donated to cancer research.

This creates the impression that what I am doing is noble. It also makes circumcision more attractive to prospective customers as they feel they are doing some kind of community service by killing off part of their sons' genitals. Otherwise there would be no point in mentioning it.

You mention that parents are discouraged from being present at the circumcision, because they might be a distraction.

Have you any idea how easy it is to botch this? Also there is a real danger a parent might change their mind. If a parent is revolted, they may start telling other people, which might be very bad for business.

The question arises, why is an adult spending so much time alone doing things to the children of strangers?

Giggles

I get a lot of personal satisfaction out of circumcising so many boys (as said on "60 Minutes").

A number of mothers have said that you are quite charming.

Do you think they would let me do that to their kids if I wasn't?

You state that you have barely had a complication when circumcising. I was told by someone that both her sons had severe complications from your circumcisions, and that you had lied to her.

What I meant was that I personally have never suffered an injury or complication while circumcising.

There have been complaints made about you. Have you been investigated by the Queensland Health Department?

They couldn't even catch up with Dr. Patel after he lost 83 of his patients. Why do you think a tough, ruthless person like myself would be worried?

You mention that it might be possible for a person to sue a parent or a doctor if they haven't been circumcised.

Yes, I would like that very much to become the case.

Doesn't that seem a bit much, when you state that no Australian doctor has ever been sued for performing circumcision?

This is something I keep an eye on. Fortunately, I will be long retired before the tens of thousands of boys I've disfigured are old enough and wake up to what has happened to them. Why, I could even be the target of a class action lawsuit.

One critic commented that you had a few kangaroos loose in the top paddock. Is that so?

From my point of view I am acting quite sensibly. I have wealth, power, a fan club and I enjoy what I am doing. Also, I have a belief system to protect.

Thank you Mr. Circumcision

A fictitious interview with Mr Circumcision