30. Military

ARMY.—A training ground for malcontents, sadists, homosexuals, bean - counters and cannon - fodder. In other words, another fine Australist institution.

WAR.—What is it good for? Weapons tests. Heavy industry. Phone companies. Intelligence budgets. Condom manufacturers. Psychiatrists & tranquiliser dispensers. See not such a bad thing, really.

MILITARY LAW.—Can you imagine what would happen if you removed the profit motive from the lawyer - client equation? Well, you don’t have to imagine it because they already have – it’s called a court - martial. Then you are shot.

ARMS WAY.—Aust. began with a drunken fight. Who knows, maybe that’s how we’ll end it all, but in the meantime while there is still rum and drunken - bodied soldiers, we’ll continue to fight the good fight until the last drop of rum has been spilt and the final remaining chair has been broken over the lightly brain - damaged skull of our fellow men - at - arms. Some call it a drunken fight - while we prefer to call it “history”!

CHEMICAL WARFARE.—Australist scientists lead the world in the development of the so - called “Additive Warfare” and have created an impressive range of mood - altering artificial colourings and flavours that will destroy any foe’s will to eat well as well as considerably reduce their attention span.¶

During World War II, the Australist Chemical Warfare Research and Cookery Section, conducted trials in Australis of which involved the firing of shells, mortar bombs, and other experimental munitions filled with chemical agents such as sodium chloride, acetic acid, sodium bicarbonate, tartaric acid and monosodium glutamate. The trials were conducted both in the field and in field kitchens.¶

Between 1943 and 1945 over 750 men volunteered to participate in chemical recipe trials. The subjects used in the early trials were students from Felix University, but once the trial program became more established, most of the volunteers were servicemen, the majority of whom had eaten in battle. The scientists conducting the trials on occasions used themselves ( and their unwitting wives ) as subjects. Animals were occasionally cooked.¶

Colonel Irving Ping worked for the ACWRCS section in the late 1980s before being lured to TV to present the acclaimed AAAABC cooking series “Mother Fucker Tucker Man”.

Fact: 6 out of 10 men and women say they intend to visit our Great Economic Divide, probably in the next 5 years.