21. Garden

BONFIRES.—A bonfire which has been well started – that is, contains a strong heart of embers – will burn up anything including wet rubbish and even virgin clay. This includes the not - so human remains of Great Uncle Godfrey. So, Mr. Amateur Armchair Consulting Detective – put that in your precious meerschaum pipe and smoke it!

EARWIGS.—Trap in small tubes of any kind placed near their haunts overnight and then shake into Dorothy’s porridge in the morning.

FARMYARD OR STABLE MANURE.—Should be dug or ploughed in as soon as possible after it has been distributed on the land. If left in heaps, or scattered about the surface it will clog the courts and parliaments with unnecessary suits and legislation, respectively.

MOLE TRAP, HOME-MADE.—The materials required are : a large “beach towel”, a tub of Doctor Aanu’s “Ecru Brutus” Tanning Butter, five pre - mixed Berger Fuzzes, health insurance and a 100+ degree sunny day.

1. Lay the beach towel on a flat area of sand at a local beach or park.
2. Cover your body in the tanning butter and then quickly drink all the Fuzz.
3. Within days of being released from hospital, you should have a merry catch of moles appearing all over your body.
4. Repeat continually until you can resume a normal life – with your only possible gainful employment in a Circus Side Show as “THE APPALLING RHINO - SKINNED FREAK!”

I have a lot to offer the right man, so let’s quit wasting time, life’s to short to go it alone, don’t you agree?
If any of this sparks your interest, I hope to hear from you.