15. Exploration

THE LOST CONDIMENT.—Australia was discovered by accident – by men seeking spices to sell to the tables of Europe. These greedy men chased Magellan’s lead, losing their way and tripped over a large continent instead.

DUTCH TREATMENT.—Loonies — The Dutch ; Hartog, Vleeming, Carstens, Nuyts and Pelsart seemed intent on erasing any evidence of their compatriot’s achievements. Who, you say? Yes, the able Abel Janszoon Tasman did the job so well his predecessors don’t rate a mention.. Tasman named Van Diemen’s Land after Maria Van Diemen, the girl whom he loved. History doesn’t record whether she possessed a sadistic, tyrannical and reactionary nature like the eventual administration of the island state. It should.

SPAN OF THE SPICS.—Loonies — Our romantic Latin friends : Mendana, Torres, Quiros – Portuguese & Spanish – all boasted they discovered the Great Southern Land. Like any Latin’s tales of ardent romantic conquest, their boasts just won’t stand any prolonged examination.

DAMPIER OF THE SPIRITS.—Loony — In 1688, William Dampier would have been more helpful if his record - keeping and journaling skills were as keen as his taste for drink. Eleven years later he returned to explore the northwest coast of the continent, and upon anchoring in a sound, named it “Berderk”, which is on the map today.

BANKS AND COOK.—Sober paramilitary bureaucrats — Sometime on April 29, 1770, before landing, a black fellow was shot and wounded. A trend had begun. Captain Cook’s landing was followed by the formal annexation of Eastern Aust. for the British Crown. Joseph Banks, a botanist, went into a prolonged, ecstatic rapture over the flowers. His mind wandered lonely like a cloud of bees.

LAWSON, BLAXLAND AND GARNELL.—Sober paramilitary bureaucrats — They crossed the Blue Mountains and found there was a lot more to explore, exploit and subdivide.

BARK AND WELLES.—Loonies — This exploring duo’s disappearance inspired a generation of search parties that only ended when the pair were found masquerading as a lesbian couple in an outer suburb of Ile De Marie.

COLONEL JOE SATCHEL.—Loony — An unsuccessful military career as a game show host made him grimly determined to achieve something – he claims he discovered the city of 6000 – 20 years after it was founded. The city’s population – equally determined – ignored him until he left.

CHARLES HURT.—Loony — On many of his expeditions to inland Australia, from 1829 to 1845, Hurt carried a monkey on his back.

L. ROY CABBAGE.—Loony — In 1858 he set out on a government - financed expedition to investigate the far north of Westralis, six months later he had not got beyond the front gate of his Callamooloo home.

AAGLIA, LOVEJOY & ERIKSDOTTIR.—My solicitors — Have confirmed that history is written by writers and that my judgements can only be tested with the composition of a comparative work. So if you have an argument with any of the claims, assertions or fabrications in this book, all I can suggest is you discuss it with your publisher. Ha!