When wandering through prosperous areas, please be wary of approaches by well-dressed people - these are often conscience troubled nouveau and ancien riche who under your very nose will slip a wallet full of money into your packet.

Also beware of crowds of old people at railway stations and airports, these devious codgers will often approach the helpless tourist for directions, waving maps in front of your face, while at the very same time straighten your clothing and in the twinkle of an eye have sewn their life savings into the inside of your coat.

In recent years beggars have appeared on many Australis streets - they fall into three main types:

• Market Researchers are smiling predators with clipboards - they are after your proprietary commercial experiences for their own profit. Always nominate your field of employment as the one they are researching, and then start asking questions about their clients.

• Production Assistants looking for hapless audiences for infomercials and quiz shows. Many of these people have good educations and are quite capable of getting much better jobs or at the very least going on the dole.

• Elvis People always want to know what time it is, will call you "Bubba" and try to drag you along to clambakes, state fairs or "a Sunday roast on the Momma-ship." The ritual way to be rid of them is to say "I would prefer to sleep in dog droppings."

© Copyright Simon Kirby 1996-2005