Wednesday, June 26, 2002
Rubber Stamps to be honoured in Postal Stamp Series
Australis Post is claiming its new series of Postal Stamps is the first in the world to ever feature the images of postal rubber stamps. We find this claim to be credible.
posted by Special K 4:43 PM

Sunday, June 23, 2002
Drama portrays Royals as Suburban Eskimos
A television docu-drama on the British Royal Family currently being shot in Australis portrays them as a traditional Netsilik Eskimo family, living on the sea ice, harpooning seals through breathing holes in the icepack and even eating whale blubber. Topically, the recent 50th Jubilee is being turned into a Midwinter celebration in the communal igloo, with games, contests and ceremonial activities.

Palace officials, who have not seen the portrayal of the Windsors, describe it as "deeply offensive".

The filmmakers, the Unoriginal Film Corporation, have not commented.
posted by Special K 4:29 PM

Tuesday, June 18, 2002
Teen study puzzles experts
A survey indicating that alcohol drinking among Australist teens was on the decline momentarily surprised the country' health experts.

The puzzling alcohol findings were then quickly explained because the survey was of contemporary Australist literature and not the Australist population.

Happily, teenage binge drinking and drug use are still as popular as ever according to Australist health authorities.
posted by Special K 10:27 PM

Sunday, June 16, 2002
Kylie's bottom is pointless.
Editors of Australist Media outlets have recently admitted that no Kylie story is too trivial or insignificant for publication, if it means they can use one of her revealing publicity photos. This admission comes after last week's revelations that American editors have published trite and meaningless Britney Spears stories so they can distribute sexy photos of the American teen idol.

It is expected that these new confessions will be given broad coverage in the media and feature an extensive range of raunchy photos & music video excerpts used as illustrations, as well as the over-use of the adjectives "buxom, petite, saucy and sexual".
posted by Special K 11:28 PM

Thursday, June 13, 2002
Paine cops famous after Mooing bust
Felix police entertained the world after the story of their arrest of a mooing dad got picked up by international media. News agencies, the BBC and Internet discussion groups have chuckled over the odd incident. Paine police have publicly committted themselve to law enforcement "with strong human interest or "believe it or not" angles".
posted by Special K 5:06 PM

Wednesday, June 12, 2002
Australist Government to offer Loyalty Rewards program
Scheme will offer free defense, legal, medical, taxation, infrastructure, cultural and administrative services to all residents, visitors and citizens.
THE HAROLD HERALD, MARTIAL
posted by Special K 3:50 PM

Tuesday, June 11, 2002
How long will the sun shine on A-ha?
John Fussell, president of Ha-Ha, Australis' only official A-ha fan club, has hit out at critics who have suggested the 80s Norwegian pop idols forthcoming August concert should only be 10 minutes long.
"Okay, everyone remembers "Take On Me", and then there's "The Sun Always Shines On TV", and if you really concentrate hard you'll remember "Hunting Hing and Low". That should keep Morten & the boys busy for at least 15 minutes," said Fussell.
"If they elect to perform the the 12 inch extended versions, then Australist A-ha fans will be enjoying 30 solid minutes of top Norwegian entertainment!"
A-ha will be performing at Bus Stop 37, Pelican Street, Chardin (Ile De Marie). Tickets are still available.
posted by Special K 12:54 AM

Wednesday, June 05, 2002
Van Diemen Hijackers say 911 has wrecked their tactics
Asylum-seeking hijackers from Van Diemen's Land are angry that they can no longer successfully hijack planes to Australis.
"Ever since 911, everyone on the plane just jumps on us straight away. It doesn't matter whether we have a bomb, a knife or a gun, they just don't sit there and take it, like they used to," complained a bitter Thom Hemera, head of the Van Diemen Hijackers Prison Committee.
"You know, you try and reassure them that you are not on some stupid suicide mission and do they believe you? No. I ask you, where's the trust gone? Hey Bin Laden, thanks for nothing."
posted by Special K 4:06 PM

Tuesday, June 04, 2002
Buffon Tycoon says he'll accept jail if found guilty of corruption
Maal Buffoon, long one of Australis' most high-profile, self-made, selfish business tycoons, says he's ready "to take the consequences" if found guilty of allegedly buying a Swedish manicurist license. He says he takes seriously the hang-nail charges formally filed against him last week.
Australist Federal Judge, Udo Hickey, applauded Buffoon's vocal support, "Without people like him (Buffoon) who are willing to go to jail, well, our whole legal system would be in serious trouble."
posted by Special K 4:36 PM

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