If Your Child Does Not Know of the Adoption
Internet Support - AFAV (A.W.I.S.)
Adoption is now seen as a life long process during which Adopted Persons, Adoptive Parents and Birth Parents often need and want information about, and contact with, one another.
The Adoption Act 1984 gave Victorians involved in the adoption process easier access to this kind of information. The timely introduction of the Act challenged old ideas about permanent separation, confidentiality and privacy. Today, providing information to all involved in an adoption is seen to be a positive and mutually beneficial process.
However Adoptive Parents, like others involved, are not always prepared for the implications of access to information.
The Adoption Information Service (AIS) can help Adoptive Parents get the information and support they need.
If your child wants to search, is already searching, or has been contacted by a Birth Relative, shock is a normal first reaction.
Disbelief - I didn’t think this would ever happen to us
Fear – Will our child leave us? Am I losing my child?
Anger – The law should never have changed. We were told this could never happen.
Hurt – Will my child hurt?
Confusion – My child needs support now and I don’t know if I can give it… I need some help with my own feelings first. Who can help me? I’ve always wondered what happened to her (the Birth Mother). Will this just be one meeting or a continuing relationship?
A period of adjustment is necessary so you can come to terms with this phase.
Families do not always discuss adoption openly. In the past, agencies sometimes suggested that Adoptive Parents should not bring up the subject unless the child asked. On the other hand, the child may have felt that he or she should not discuss their adoption unless they were invited to do so.
Some Adopted Persons do not start searching until their Adoptive Parents have died. Others search without telling their Adoptive Parents for fear of hurting them. Some are afraid of losing their Adoptive Parents’ love or being thought disloyal if they disclose an interest in their Birth Parents.
The best time for Adopted Persons to share information will vary greatly. It is difficult for them to decide when and how to tell their Adoptive Parents. They often tell their Adoptive Parents after the reunion with their Birth Parents or Relatives, to give themselves time to focus on their own feelings.
Adopted Persons, as independent adults, wish to take control over this important part of their lives. Their experience tends to clarify the deep and permanent nature of their relationship with their Adoptive Parents.
Handling, these feelings on your own can be difficult. Sharing them can help the adjustment process.
Adoption is a family issue. Where Adoptive Parents support their child through the reconnection process, Adoptive Family relationships may emerge stronger and clearer.
It can help to talk to someone you trust, someone close to you. You could also contact an Adoption Information Service, which has counsellors who understand adoption issues.
Adoptive Parents can obtain non-identifying information about their child’s Birth Family, contained in adoption records, which give a general description of your child’s Birth Parents.
If you want current information about the Birth Parents, the AIS will make an approach on your behalf. In our experience, most people agree to exchange of information.
If you child is under 18 years of age, identifying information is only available with the written consent of the Birth Parent. If your child is over 18 years of age, they must be informed of your application and the written permission of the Birth Parent must be obtained.
You are entitled to leave information about yourself indicating that you would like contact if a Birth Parent or relative is willing.
You can leave information that you do not want contact made while your child is under 18. It helps to include a letter providing some information about the health, education and interests of your child and the reasons for not wanting contact now. This helps people to understand your wishes. It is our experience that Birth Parents prefer to be informed if the child develops a serious illness or dies. AIS can attempt to locate and inform them on your behalf.
All applicants for information attend an interview at an authorised agency. You can select a group or individual interview. If you live outside Victoria, or are isolated due to location or disability, a telephone interview can be arranged.
The purpose of the interview is to explain the services available through the AIS and Self-Help Support Groups. You will be told if anyone has registered as looking for you. Many people appreciate the opportunity to discuss and share issues and concerns.
Other families have faced this situation too. Telling your child of their adoptive status does not mean you will be rejected, although families worry that this will happen. It is now commonly accepted that it is the right of the Adopted Person to know of his or her adoption.
The process of telling needs careful thought. You can discuss this issue anonymously with an AIS counsellor. Should you want advice or guidance.
DHS, AIS and other agencies have counsellors who understand adoption issues and can help you deal with any concerns you might have. They are happy to discuss your concerns over the telephone or in person. You do not need to give your name or commit yourself to further action.
The Adoption Information Service and other Agencies have Support Groups in the community where there are other Adoptive Parents who have had similar experiences and can appreciate your feelings.
Information on local and country adoption support groups can be obtained from the Adoption Information Service on (03) 9616 2822.
This email address has been set up as an initial point of contact for people seeking help and information through the internet.
Please email the AFAV – A.W.I.S. Volunteers who will answer your query as soon as they are able. Should you not receive your reply within 14 days please contact us again by re-sending your e-mail.
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AFAV thanks the Adoption Information Service for the providing information regarding this issue. 15.4.2000
Content supplied by AFAV. Last modified