Wake Up

Part Two

Hear it and weep

I am always here
have been and will be
suffer no more oh mind of mine
I put you to the sword
you are no more
I ache you into a slot of hell
fill your bones with leadshot sink your worthless bones in a lake of piss

go my darling
no more caresses of my sweat head
no more feeling like a head explosion in the morning
wondering how I can survive
aching for death as a release
death no more the answer than a cake of beer
yet I drink
mind is there yet
hiding
waiting
laughing
I hear you fuck face

I am not afraid of you
afraid to delve to the bottom of my soul
walk in the mire
feel the stench of evil and know it is me
it is in us all
illusory
as much so as pleasure
don't run from one to the other
both have to be ignored
not conquered
I conquer giving power back to the I
the mind
wins either way
no
watch with passive awareness the comings and goings
no interference
no help
no shying away from horrible things
watch and no comment
give up
starving the I, the ego, of strength
whispers in the ear

hear me
hear me
enlightenment is your goal
this is what you have to do
you have to do nothing
least of all listen to a bankrupt mind
fuck off
I no longer hear you
I meditate on Buddha
on god
on myself
one with god and Buddha
come to me
hear me
I no longer exist
what is truth
no answer
only silence
hear it and weep.


Thai Green Curry

Just about to have my dinner
some grub down my neck
Thai green curry and noodles
lovely
chomp it down with a few rounds of bread
obligatory for an Englishman
must spread the marge thick and make a few
butties with whatever is put before him
I love it though
lots of juice
plenty of spice
can feel the taste in my mouth as I write
must go
see ya


Rough Sea

aye aye the lads
see the sea shanties filled with eggs and bacon
rolling waves
spewing sailors bringing up the mornings breakfast
rough sea


Billicart Blues

I rolled on down the hill in my billicart
wheels churning up the mud onto my new coat
splattering old folks I swerved past
'why you young tyke' they shouted as my laughter rang in hollow ears
ever onwards
hill becoming steeper now as I rounded fisherman's bend
plenty of racers came to grief here
the sharp left hand turn required a skilled driver
luckily there were none more skilled than I
I took it faster than normal
exhilarated by the mornings dew rush up my nostril
wheels in the air
sliding away from me as I fought for control
whooping in delight as onlookers shrieked for me to stop
faster and faster I roamed
the end of the grass coming fast
ending in Mcroberts road, busiest one in our small town
full with cars this morning rush hour
I was doomed and knew it
but laughed anyway.


Prisoner

Prisoner leaves jail
friend outside to receive him
beers in hand, big motor, the lot
he feels scared
what does he do now
outside the confines
the security of the prison
finding work, making new friends
avoiding the old, mainly crims
world seems to be moving to fast for him
rushing and bumping
he feels excluded
his mates offer break ins
he needs the money
what should he do
what should he do?


Disappearing You

I moved amongst my own kind
feeling the insides carefully
anxiety and fear ruled the inner kingdom
shaping the outer world
uncertainty of the future generated fear
loss of self
becoming empty
lack of security
be aware of this
watch the workings of the mind
not with the mind
not mentally
simply watching with your being
recognise the uselessness of the mind
you feel in your self how you can do without it
in this recognition
with no verbal prompting
which is only more of the mind
attempting to trick you
in this very recognition
you give up the mind
spontaneously, with no effort
the 'you' disappears
leaving only truth.


I'll be now

I do not need you mind
be gone
thanks
1'll be now


Breaking down the walls

opening up is hard to do
we all construct the shell about ourselves
to protect us
yet it soon becomes our prison
we are our own jailers
afraid of people penetrating
the wall we have so carefully erected
spending all our lives
bolstering the wall
missing out on so much joy
invaded by fears
fears of the uncertainty of the future
instead of living fully in the moment
and then we die
what a waste
open up
break down the wall
you'll discover the self inside does not exist
all that's left after the walls come down is absence
there is no you, no ego
in that moment you are free
what joy
what love
with no you
only the experience of the absolute


Garden of youth

the beating of my heart
disturbed
nay shattered, the icy calm of the day
breath floated up from my craggy throat
I tried to control the quickening gasps
an owl shrieked overhead
I screeched in alarm
nerves on edge
belly like a thousand matadors killing bulls inside
crack, a twig broke
eerie
spooky shadows glistened in the dawn
thin fragments of dew broken by my weighty boot
nausea overcame me and I vomited
where years before I had carved my initials
now I was stalking a different prey


Pink Blossoms

Pink blossoms
snowdrops in the tree
how lovely


Breath and wind

breath eats the wind
spits out the residue
others to eat and live


Fountains

fountains shimmering on a sunny day
children tinkling fingers in the icy pond


Hieroglyphics

the book creaked open on a musty page
hieroglyphics, strange symbols
winked at me in a conspiracy
of what
I know but cannot say


Naked in the grass

trees guard my garden like the sentinels of old
hiding my nakedness as I walk and pose
excited by the closeness of strangers
the thrill of rolling naked in the grass


The road of time

the road ahead does not end
arrowing straight into the heart of false truth
called reality
tarmac, with a white fractured line
painted in the middle
only one way to go
look ahead
follow it
continue in the trap of the mind and ego
step off the road
step out of time
where thought cannot be
in the absence
experience the truth
you are no longer
only god


Mind, I need you no longer

mind I need you no longer
begone
depart
stop bugging me with your constant nagging
I am aware of you
in that awareness the I disappears
action with no actor
no observer
only truth


No More

oh my old muckers out there
drink a pint of Guinness with me
pass the time of day and much urine besides
I feel playful
amid the chores of everyday life
clinging to what scraps of security I can find
why
life is impermanence
give up the struggle
let go
stop telling yourself you have to do this that or the other
rubbish
you have to do nothing
because by doing you are giving the I strength
give up
do nothing
with no past or future
empty
sounds scary
perhaps it is
but what is the alternative
I live it now and don't like it
so give up
I have nothing to do, nowhere to go
no goals or plans
no desires
I am empty
I am nothingness
I am no more


Fear in the streets

sitting on the concrete at the end of our drive
cold and mysterious
full of ants crawling in a line
shoe shine shuffle
looking at the busy traffic
honking and beeping
a man, strange and vapid, eyes me through an upturned window
I gaze dispassionately in his direction
inwardly my belly is churning
soon I'll be my own creamery
the man taps his driver on the left shoulder
he leans back for his master to whisper in his ear
signalling in my direction the driver looks
sinister smile curling up on his lip
my spine turns to ice
laughing and looking by the huge burly driver
I feel shit scared
who are they?
What do they want with me?
I decide I better not let on I'm sitting in my own drive
I don't want them to know where I live
nonchalantly I getup and stroll, as calmly as possible
down the street
I feel their eyes cutting into my back
change lights please
realising in an instant they changed ages ago
the men should have driven off long before
I stop to tie my shoelace
quickly glance to my right and see the car still there
definitely parked up
I cannot make out the occupants but I'm sure they are still
watching me. Terrified and confused I
walk faster from the scene
once around the corner out of sight
I sprint round the back
through a neighbourhoods garden
'sorry mister smith'
up and over our back fence into our house
I scurry upstairs rapidly
to the astonished glances of my folks
'where the heck are you off to in such a hurry?'
'tell you in a bit dad'
upstairs I ducked down and slid along the floor
ending up in the front bedroom under the window
I slowly raised my head behind the curtain
eventually peeking over the windowsill
my heart sank
they were still there looking up at me.


Love and Joy

hello my darling one
I love you with all my bones
inside I quiver with passion
we are one
love and joy


split the kipper

crashing through the eye of the needle
I split the kipper
spilling out all over my suitcase
hundreds and thousands of eyes
looking into my soul
inside my being
all the fragments of my own consciousness
refuse to fight any
recognise their essential illusion
in this recognition is action
fragmentation ceases
conflict dies
the 'me' disappears
the world is me
I am the world
the self
God


Die to the past to be born anew

I earned a few on Friday
daft bugger
I never learn and never will until
the mind departs
forget all else
the mind is the curse
knowledge the hell which traps us all
leave them
empty the mind
nothing more
nothing less
no more desires, wishes or wants
form is emptiness and emptiness is form
all is one and one is all
see through the ignorance now
don't wait
death is life so afraid no more
see each moment anew
die to the last second, born afresh to the next
no memories of the past
no plans for the future
a different I each second of existence
meeting new people each moment
know no one before
everyone is like a new meeting
each thing has never been done before.
Die to the past each and every second
to be born alive the next moment
with no mind, no past, and no individuality
just spontaneous energy

think of Buddha

think of Buddha
think of Buddha
think of Buddha
nothing more
nothing less
no thoughts intrude
only Buddha
Buddha
Buddha
and finally
not even Buddha
nothing
no thought
empty
full
one with all
as you always have been and always will be


A plan which works

I see a knight in shining armour riding towards me
sword at the ready
pantaloons hanging loose
cadaver strung across the back of his neck
with head lolling
teeth rattling and eyes dangling
he swipes at my stomach and misses
I laugh turn to face him again
picking up a discarded kipper packet from off the floor
as he rides near I
sniff deep the rampant urine smell of dead fish
lick the packet of all remaining juices
spread it over my cock
smells divine
come and get it you puffed up pile of wallaby crap
but no
his horse would not come near
my plan had worked
would you believe it


Noxious fumes

Once again I sat down and ate the meal of loathing
loved it, meat and all. Feel the
fear coursing through my stomach
a cancerous spreading to my arse hole belching out
noxious fumes enough to kill any and all. Farts
ranging over long distances
murder in the car
what are they?
Felicitous and obnoxious noises of the past coming to
pervert the now
clinging, holding on to my afterthought
part of me
wanting to remain
be gone foul demon
I no longer want you
depart and return no longer


I love you

I whispered in the ear of my darling
I love you
smiled and felt content


Seeing the Truth

another day arrives with the usual
blue sky speckled with clouds
birds chirping merrily outside my window
I stretch my arms and yawn happily
no thought for the day just gone
no thought for the day ahead
in fact no thoughts at all
simply the sense, the feeling, of oneness
oneness with all humankind and nature
not intellectually
but in my bones
a deep feeling of peace
no fear or worries or any of the like
no image to protect
holding onto no ideals
the ego having disappeared
in fact never having existed
when looked into, it is found to be an illusion
Understanding this you know to do anything
is to stoke the fires of the mind
with awareness of this comes action
without trying to change
spontaneously as you realise you cannot do anything
there is nowhere to escape to
you cannot change anything
because who is to change what?
The I, the ego, to change itself
but all is the I
all is thought
how can thought change thought?
It can't
understanding this, with no mind, but intelligence
awareness dawns with no effort
spontaneously fragmentation disappears
and in one fell swoop the ignorance goes
the I is found to be an illusion
thought quietens
intelligence, universal, comes to be
and we can at last live with love and joy
seeing things as they are
seeing the Truth


Tired

yawns erupt involuntarily from my body
aarghhh
arms fly up above my head
in a long stretch
I feel knackered
lethargic, with little energy for anything
eyes are drooping shut
the tv momentarily jolts me back awake
huh
what is going on here?
I don't remember them two getting together
who knows how long I have missed
heat and warmth, so I soon begin to drop
whole body feels heavy
why do I feel so tired?
I've done nowt all day
strange
struggling to bed I forgo brushing my teeth
too tired to even try
head hits the pillow and sinks in
hmm, feels good
face rests in a contented grin
snores begin
lovely


Missing an issue

missed an issue
damn
hate that
stories broken up
what happened in the missing week
why has he shot him
where has he gone
scurry to the shops
all over the city
searching out shop after shop
pulling back all the magazines
hoping to find a back issue
no luck


I've got a job

I've got a job
I've got a job
no idea how much pay
when I start
or if full time
but I have got a job
it is all that counts


As I was saying

it is all that counts
if only that were true
we bloody well know it is not
nothing counts like money
or god
or me
shut your mouth and listen
ignorant oik
keep quiet and you may learn something
what?
I don't know but shut it and we may both find out
now as I was saying


Chess

I saw a bunny flying through the sky towards an empty sky
circling and aiming for my head
crashing down on top of me
look out below as it zoomed over my cranium
glands hanging down, I could feel the saliva
I ignored it and concentrated on my chess game
where have thou gone oh yorick I wanted to know
here you fool he replied
moving me into a dangerous position
I conferred with the grand master, deep blue, who advised my badly
bloody machine, useless to man and all
heaven send the flowers down to appreciated the youthfulness of life
years since dinosaurs ruled the earth
are you sure I saw a load in the post office only yesterday
leaning over a raw piece of meat with no regard for the customers
loved it and very tasty too
by the way what an awful scar you have on your face
you don't like it
bloody awful
well off it comes as he peeled the skin off the face and off the head
I talked to a bony skull with muscles and fat
wait here a minute he said walking to his cupboard
out of which he pulled a variety of skinheads before deciding on
today's choice, good one if you don't mind me saying, I said
thank you dear
back to the chess
check mate
blimey


Sex is fun

what am I looking at
I know full well
why be ashamed
scared of people finding out
let em
none of their business
sex is part of life
relax and enjoy it
forget the hang-ups and enjoy it
free to talk about it
walk in a shop and flick through the sex mags
go into a sex shop and have a look
check out the sex sites on the net
don't be afraid
do it
if you see a friend, have a laugh
flirt and tell em what you are doing
enjoy it
no harm done
pure pleasure
pure fun
cheers


Quaking Inside

I feel quaky inside
belly churning like a cement mixer
fear invades every inch of me
afraid of everything and everyone
calm down
relax
surrender and renounce knowledge
no thought is the aim
but thought cannot stop thought
intelligence will function when the brain is quiet
when no thought occurs
intelligence will act
not from the past
not from memory
all these are projections of the mind
not from any scriptures
or any words
more mind
recognising this
seeing this will be all
on seeing this the mind will quieten spontaneously
and intelligence will act
from moment to moment
in the herenow


Looking around the kitchen

I looked around the kitchen
yellow paint peeling off the mouldy walls
children running hither and thither
knocking glasses of red wine asunder
stains growing on the shag pile carpet
adding to the grease and yoghurt
already trodden in
dhal, rice and curry filled pans
steamed on the stove top
blue gas flames erupted and heated the concoction
ancient white wall fittings
bare cupboards with the odd plate
filled with decaying plum pie
which the snarling alsatian snaffled up
damn, I wanted that for tea
any beans?
Slurping red wine, beer and whisky
my eyelids drooped
the stove opened and beckoned me in
a friendly manner
smiling at me with all its bad breath
I sparked a fag and
my world emptied
as did I
BANG


No Footprints

theory is all well and good
you can read until your blue in the face
attend lectures
visit Ashrams
follow gurus
and all the rest of it
but the change must come from yourself
from within
stop thinking about it and act
not from the mind
but from intelligence
which can only act from an empty mind
a silent brain
no effort at which can be done
understanding the fact in yourself
will itself bring about the transformation
once it has happened
the I will have disappeared
found to be an illusion
reality will have gone
and the pure truth will shine forth
like a sky empty of cloud
upon which nothing leaves footprints
let it go
and be


Snot Face

and so it goes
nose filled with snot
dripping out my nose with no control
need tissues close at hand
forgot them on the train to work
felt the liquid rolling down
had to reach up nonchalantly
hope no one looking and wipe it away with my fingers
too much though
only succeeded in wiping it over my face
stretching from my nose outwards
reading my paper close up
oh heck
how am I going to get off the train and in to work
smooth and calm
ignore all around you
they mean nothing
just stand up hiding nothing
look everyone in the eye and step out
I own the world, I bloody well do and
I'll do what I want even if
it means having snot smeared all over my face
so I did
and it worked
no one laughed or looked
all cowering before my power
yes I control the world
and don't you bloody well forget it
yes snot face.


Remembering Rain

Rain bucketed down outside
gutters full to bursting
downpipes struggling to cope with the deluge
I sat in the cosy warmth of my bedroom
looking out at the rainy scene
I enjoy the rain
hearing it pitta patter on the roof
puddles appearing on the lawn
streets suddenly deserted of people
hoping it will wash away mans sin
a fresh start for the sun to beckon in
sipping my steaming hot tea
out of a chipped Manchester City mug
no lawn mowing today, thank goodness I mused
remembering scenes from my past
working with my brother
a home maintenance cum plumber
whenever it rained and we were doing an outside job
we'd scurry to the warmth of the van
crowd in and pull out our papers
Daily Mirror and Sun
some butties and a flask of tea mum had prepared
turn on the radio
sit back, reading, eating and supping
watching the world go by
lullabied to sleep by the sound of rain on the vans roof
of course sometimes we would stay out and work
digging up some drains in somebody's garden
I'd slap on the wellies, gloves and keep digging
I felt good
as if we were taking on the elements
working in a heavy downpour
working against all the odds but still succeeding
I think I enjoyed this even more than sitting in the van
caught in a downpour at a Balinese cremation
paying for umbrella hire
not wishing to give it back
soaked to the skin
running inside for a hot bath and soak
sounds good
think I'll turn on the heater and have one now
keep on raining


Jam, Cream and Honey

squirt that cream on my arse
lick it off
go on, dollop a bit of jam on
honey as well
all over my cock and balls
now I'll splash it all over you
oh yes, pour it on your tits
squeeze the cream between your legs
hiding your fanny, the cavern of joy
under a foaming mass of whipped cream
cream, jam and honey
my tongue is dangling
come here
rubbing our bodies together
laughing and joking
fingering cream and licking it up
having fun
adopting the 69 position
chewing on the jam and drinking the honey
natural from the lips of the vagina
my wives tongue is caressing my cock
push her face right into my crotch
eating balls and cream
my face is buried between my wives legs
cream in my eyes
up my nose
I am in heaven
the movements and sounds get more frantic
until emptiness at both ends
signals a massive single Orgasm
we are One
ceasing to be man and wife in that moment
tasting Eternity
we hang onto each other for strength
our whole bodies quivering wildly
beautiful


Mini Basketball

a mini basketball is below my left foot
as I sit writing at my desk
pressing and releasing it
for no apparent reason
brought this ball all the way from Manchester to Melbourne
from my place of work there
now Sarah plays with it
the two of us together
she is sleeping now
the rain pours outside
and I sit writing.


Keep watching

I ponder the news of all the deaths looking inside for something
I feel empty
a good sign or bad I ask myself
feel kind of weak and wobbly with no desire to stop the feeling
no fighting it
going with the flow
it feels scary but right
no mind to jump in and tell me what I should be doing
haven't I been listening to this mind saying the same thing for 33 years
I have and each time
each time
I fail to see it for the charlatan it is because
I am afraid
afraid of the weakness
afraid of the empty feeling
just one thought
only one and all will be okay
mind can sort it all out and then I can have no mind
sorry it don't work that way
mind does not sort anything out but makes them worse
see it
don't believe anyone
look to your own past
how many times from school to university
over in the US of A travelling with Steve and Mark
remember the days telling yourself what you were going to do
in Washington by the window and with a final gusto you would say
'and it starts now'
and walk through the door as though walking through the door signifies a new
beginning. How long till the mind invades again
sitting on the boat in Newport harbour.
Again I will be this and that
do this and that starting from now
funny sign on head and off we go again
how long does it last
a few beers later and it is gone
crazy yet I still do it
twelve years later and I am in my thirties still doing it
standing by the side of the pitch
closing my eyes and quickly opening them to the brilliant sun
starting now
how long did this last
till the end of the game when the mind invaded with fear, self loathing, self hatred
an endless procession of thoughts attacking myself
repeated over and over again
blaming myself for it all
feeling everyone hated me and blamed me, knew it was my fault
feeling so low and that everyone wanted to talk about me I could speak to no one
afraid to ask if I could borrow shampoo for fear of something
what!!
Silently skulking out of the dressing room
leaving at half time
no effort to talk bar a few conversations with those I know
nigh-time and feeling like shit
mind having a field day going on and on and on
Sunday not much different and Monday still bad
yet in this low feeling I gave up thoughts
gave up all this shit we live by and you know what
I started to feel better
no more effort, no more trying, no more desires
just sodding the lot of it
I felt better
still do
but and it is a big but
once you do start to feel better, the cunning mind is waiting
'feeling better are you, great. You know what would be even better, if you did this that and the other'
You don't care
you are feeling good but before long the mind has you in its grimy grip again
after having thought of all the good things it does not last long
back you go depresses trying to find what you lost
attacking the mind to stop which only strengthens it
you have lost the serenity and can see no way of regaining it
so lash out in anger at a lot of people
only when you are at your lowest ebb and give up will it appear as if by magic
yet it is always there
so do away with the funny writing on the head, the 'starting now' business which
you have been doing for 15 years and even longer.
Just watch that feeling when you get so depressed you give up
don't chase it or let the feeling of getting better make you turn your back on it
for shining illusions of this world.
No
Watch the feelings with no interference
keep watching, watching and watching
nothing more and nothing less.


I've got a job

I've got a job
I've got a job
the job is shit
but I've got a job


fall off awake

loud music
loud music
crashing into my brain
thunderous waves of noise
upon an unprotected shore
I lie back and soak them up
factor 15 screen absent
turning lobster like on my ears
smiling I turn over
fall off to awake


Dolly with a wobbly head

dolly with a wobbly head
patched and threadbare
wakes up and smiles at me
crawls to her feet
and begins dancing
whirling around in pure joy
wake up world


Why the sexual guilt

checking the sex web sites
most have entry passes to pay
no chance
I want free muff
willing to search
find it eventually
feel guilty
why?
Is it so bread into me to feel guilty about sex
about sexual thoughts
why should that be?
As long as no one is hurt or they are fantasies
unconnected with reality
why should I feel guilty
jettison the mind
it is full of guilt
anything to obstruct life with thought intruding
unannounced
rid yourself of it
then see if the sex appeals or not
but either way with no guilt, past or present
just watching and doing
with no I

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