Wake Up

Part Four

My earliest memories

hiding the salt and pepper pot in our new house
the house we have lived in for thirty years
I must have been one and a half
nothing more I can see
just putting these two simple ornaments in the backroom
little alcove today filled with bookcases
I hid along with the pots
mum an dad cried and searched high and low
I remained still
made no sound
eventually they thumped into the rear room
I could hear their heavy breathing
they could still not see me hidden in the alcove
slowly steps approached
I braced myself against the wall
trying to sink into the plaster
al ha
dads face appeared around the corner
here's the little bugger
I laughed and attempted to scamper away
dad caught me
threw me over his shoulder with ease
mum came running in
thank goodness
my darling don't frighten me like that
scooping me up in her warm arms
she kissed and hugged me tightly
I laughed and giggled
grabbing my mum's hair and twisting it


First day at school part one

my first day at infant school approached
like an impending doom
how could my parents give me up
if the loved me

zero day arrived and I cried
I spent the early morning in bed
feigning illness
to no good effect

c'mon Adrian you'll meet so many new friends
have a wonderful time
I did not believe it
resisted like a wild dog

it was an uneven contest
my mum dragged me out of bed
slapped me into my days attire
marched me to our narrow kitchen

fed me a mixture of weetabix and banana
soon we were ready to leave
cold and windy Manchester morning
walking around Broadie fields

I tried to walk at a snails pace
mum grabbed my arm and pulled me into step
c'mon or we'll be late
arriving with all the others

petrified kids and their spruced up mums
natter, natter
the grown ups chattered
whilst we eyed each other in fear

teachers appeared and we looked up
old and wrinkled
like a fairy tale witch
say goodbye to your parents children

mum kissed me but I held her tight
nooooo
come now. I'll see you later
don't be silly

I observed other kids going through the same routine
teachers were coming out of the woodwork
ripping frightened kids from their mums grasp
whisking them into the darkness

one clutched me
I fought like a tiger
it was no use
my mother waved

I closed my eyes
taken inside the imposing building
to certain death I imagined
instead I found things much different.


Mr Vickers reluctant reliant robin

I remember the reliant robin
brown with three wheels
looking as if a large gust would blow it flying
it belonged to Mr Vickers
sportsmaster at moston fields primary school
I travelled many times in that little car
crammed in with others of the football team
taking our lives in our hands
the car rocked and rolled all over the place
each corner was like a rollercoaster ride
chugging along in the slow lane
overtaken by cyclists on a hill
robin reliant, where are you now?
Where are you Mr Vickers?


First day at school part two

taken inside by a stranger
she seemed pleasant enough
but I wanted my mum
boy did I scream

I entered a cacophony of similar cries
it looked like everyone was sitting and bawling
I was put into a small plastic chair
round an octagonal table seating eight

there were four of said tables
total class population of thirty two
in our own little castle
cut off from the rest of the school

where the big kids played and fought
after a time we had all quieted down
and too our surprise
the teachers brought out toys for us

thoughts of mummy disappeared
as we descended on them like a pack of hyenas
who had not eaten for days
pushing and shoving each other with glee

it was great
there was a sandpit to play in
make castles and tanks
have sand fights

a water filled receptacle
where we splashed and flicked to our hearts content
I soon made friends
some of whom I have to this day

I grew to love the infant school
especially an old gnarled tree
growing nearly horizontal near the entrance
how we loved to climb it

I felt a pang of sadness years later
walking past my old school
the tree had gone
no more to be climbed by the little uns

sadness overwhelmed me
I had so loved it
was sure it loved us back
now it is in tree heaven

I remember the kindly old face of the principal
don't know her name
my mum knew her
I used to see her years later in the street

I think she has died now
but I am not sure
mum would know
the name is on the tip of my tongue

a kind old lady
whenever I was slightly ill at school
she would pull out the camp bed
lay me down gently upon it

give me some milk
lull me to sleep with kind words
sad I had to leave
but the junior school beckoned

one of my treasures
which I have mislaid
is a photo of me in the infants
on a playground apparatus

surrounded by all the others
Tony Perkins, Paul Black, Paul Foden
Hazel Clough, Stu Furlong, Alison Sagar
and a smiling lad I can't put a name too

those were the days
hope Sarah has an equally enjoyable time


Small Happenings

I engage in conversation with the lady on the train
been sitting near her for weeks but never a word spoken
each head down in our own worlds, our own books
today our knees bumped and the first glimmer of contact
a smile, a quick sorry and then heads down again
only for them to raise slightly to grab a quick glance of the other
shyly pulling it down when the other looked up
keeping up the fun cat and mouse game all the way into the city
we both got off at museum station and I spoke to her
hello
hello back she responded
I see you every day on the same train as me
yes I see you too
where do you work
in a travel agents just down the road and you
state library
that must be nice
yes it is a beautiful old building
yes it is
what time do you have lunch
twelve till one
do you fancy having something with me
sure why not
there is a really cheap Chinese place on the corner there
she laughs
I know it well, we always go there
let us go somewhere different for a change
you're on
twelve o'clock outside the newsagents
yes
see you then
bye
bye
of such small happenings are repercussions born
life grabs hold and you must go with it
love and learn forever.


Starting a new job

starting a new job
apprehensive and a little afraid
wondering what it will involve
nerves before settling into the routine
began okay with a trip to personnel
then a cup of coffee in the VICNET room
an eleven o'clock meeting
discussing this and that
I had no idea what
a bit disturbed about my bare desk
no computer or attached phone
confused as to what my role is to be
customer services officer
but doing what?
A pricing survey
felt very vague
sent a few messages to the Host
felt a little better
but on the way home
a sense of 'not right'
felt better when I reached home
my darling Trish and gorgeous Sarah
were waiting for me with loving arms
they will always love me
what more could I want


face the fear

don't run away from the feeling of unease
don't try and escape it
or rationalise it away with the mind
forget the mind and knowledge
simply be aware of the unease
look it in the face unflinchingly
neither for nor against
simply observing
one needs to do this with all life
good feelings and bad
no preference for either
knowing one has to transcend both
so observe it
do not run away
with good or pleasurable thoughts
observe
do not run towards
simply look at both
with no mind or knowledge
and in that seeing
spontaneously understanding will dawn
not from the mind
but from intelligence
all distortions and fragments cease
one sees the truth
brain is quiet
I and ego have vanished
like shadows in an all encompassing light
one simply is
experiencing
so look into its face
and laugh


Biting the ear

bite the ear of he who feeds you
mike what are you doing
biting part of an ear off
blaming it on a headbutt
are you a child to react like this
you used to terrorise all before you in the ring
a reign to last many years
reduced to a street thug moaning about headbutts
in the old days you would have responded with fists
not teeth
and knocked him down for daring to butt you
but no more
you are scared
no longer can fight
evander the master of you in body and mind
how to hurt him
only one way
resort to the tactics of the child
bite
and bite again
then pout and cry the fault was the other
mike oh mike
how many of us love you
grow up for all our sakes
and whilst you are growing up bring us all with you


what am I doing writing poetry

the football is on the telly
cricket on the other side
beer in the fridge
what the fuck am I doing writing poetry


free to love the gods in us all

here I go once again feeling zapped but with no thoughts
great stuff
wanting nothing, desiring nothing, hoping for nothing
no thoughts of the past or the future
I hope
nothing
free to love all the gods around me including myself


Memories of Junior School

running across the playground
Paul Black one end
me the other
running straight for each other

a fight in the middle of the playground
me and Paul Black
who was the hardest
me of course

Paul became a great friend
is one up to this day
hopefully for many more
though we live on either ends of the earth

John Locking
at least I think it was John
big, rather fat lad
picked on mercilessly at school

can still remember him crying
after somebody hit him and drew blood
down on one knee
sobbing

kids are cruel bastards
was it me who hit him
can't remember
is my memory covering up for me?

Kids at that age
in the back of church
laughing at some disabled kids
I can remember it still

we could be right bastards
hope I have changed now
hope John Locking is happy
fulfilled

no longer being picked upon
my heart goes out to them all
Jarvie, living at the top of Horncastle
sexy sister with big breasts

What became of them
Alison and Heather Sagar
friends through primary school
lost in the past

where have they all gone
what are they doing
morbid I know but
are any dead

people who spent a fair few years with me
growing up at primary school
fighting and playing
going to each others house

I always felt my house was on the outskirts
everyone else lived down Moston Lane
or thereabouts
whereas I lived up the other end

we never came up my end
always migrated to Moston Fields
Near Blackie and Stonies houses
Horncastle Rd

The warm English summer nights
staying light until gone 10pm
I remember enjoying walking to Paul's house
passed the large open window

his mother and father
Malcolm
waving at me
as I, in embarrassment, waved back

I loved Paul's house
seemed so much more plush than mine
two rooms knocked into one
luxurious carpet and massive telly

my dates are getting mixed up
forgetting what happened when
but why mind
it is all gone now

not meaning in a sentimental way
longing for the past
no way
in fact quite different

the past is no more
neither the future
only the herenow exists
live in it


Slow Down

I have finished it
another big job done
satisfied
but no end
something more to do tomorrow
always things to do
how we clutter our life
trying to do so much
then we die
without tasting the food we eat
smelling the flowers we see
breathing the fresh air
too busy
and for what
death
so forget it all
slow down
breathe in the air and watch the tree
nothing more
with no thoughts of anything


Be awareness

don't think of anything
anything at all
there are no exceptions
don't let the mind trick you with
'this is different'
'this is important'
'this really matters'
'it is all right to think this or this'
you hear this and get trapped into believing it
it is to do with work
It must be important as it says
it is about my family
the world and so on
you get sucked into thinking of these
before long thought has taken over again
guard against it
I'm not saying these things are not important
when you recognise your oneness with all
they will be seen in their true light
but whilst we live in shadow
they are important
either way it makes no difference
has thought ever helped in important matters
look closely
don't think on it
simply look
you see the answer is No
all mind ever does is muddy the issue
confuse things
bring in hypothesis after hypothesis
if I'd have done this, that would've been
If I do this, then that
on and on and on and on
you live in the future with these hypothesis
never in the present
never in the here and now
and it is only the here and now which is true yet
you are not living in it
along with this effort thinking causes you to worry about problems
growing anxieties about life and to crave security
denting your self confidence
leading to more and more confusion
resulting in more dependence on the mind to sort it out
when it is the mind which is causing it
so take the seemingly crazy step
yes it is crazy
of forgetting the mind
no matter how much it screams at you
ignore it
don't fight it
trying to keep thoughts out
this is simply the mind again
an I trying to change something
the I which I sonly the mind
trying to change the mind
mind changing mind is all mind
therefore no good
when we see the mind is the root of the problem
mind needs to be transcended
but when it does the I no longer exists
hence it cannot be done with the I
I want to learn how to transcend mind
it will not works
only cause more of the confusion, conflict, worry and anxiety we have seen before
their has to be no I
which means no mind
no thinking
mind and brain quiet
so intelligence can act
intelligence which is beyond us individuals
exists for all of us
transcendent
it is us
all of us
and can be named god, jehovah, allah, buddha or not named
it matters not
it is only truth
now and forever
we are it always and only need to recognise this
by seeing through the ignorance which surrounds us
the ignorance which is the mind
including the root of it all, the I thought
all this needs to go
leaving behind truth
how to do it
the I cannot try and do anything
the I is the problem
so what to do?
The beautiful answer is nothing
do nothing
do not get caught up in any thoughts
any of them
don't try and stop them coming
let them
simply watch them come and go
no follow up
no chasing of them
this is doing something
do nothing
let them go
no matter how horrible
no matter how beautiful
no matter to do with family or work
let them go
like clouds scudding across a blue sky
do nothing
simply be awareness
not in the mind
as in 'I am aware'
no this cannot help
not in the mind
no I
just in the bones
no seperation between experience and experiencer
all one
you are awareness
you are experiencingness
only that
in this non-doing
truly seeing
not in the mind but bones
the truth of what is written here
not as words on a page but as a direct experiencing
in that very seeing
there is understanding
there is knowing
not knowledge
no knowledge at all
this frightens us because knowledge is our world
but it is of the mind and the past
another hindrance to transcend
so in that seeing
there is understanding and knowing
conflicts cease
fragmentation ceases
you recognise your birthright
the I vanishes
you are lit up and attain truth, god, quality and Intelligence
so what to do
nothing


Nearly Sarah's Party

Sarah's birthday party
my, she looks gorgeous
what a joy she has brought me
I sit here composing a quick verse
Sarah plays with her brother Deon
Trish and Sharon have left for Hungry Jacks
to set up the place for the party
with streamers and balloons and all things nice
Sarah in her new birthday outfit
playing and laughing as I write
soon I'll whisk her off to the celebrations
all her family and friends
how we love her
a bananas birthday cake
games and toys
I look at her with such love
my darling Sarah


Get out of the bloody office

a trip out in the car with Gary and Richard
geelong and ballarat visited
fine blue day
fresh, cold but invigorating
the car either too hot or too cold
friendly banter
should do it more often
get out of the bloody office


Sarah's Party

what a proud man I am
as I walk through the doors of Hungry Jacks
my daughter Sarah is two years old
the apple of her fathers eye

she is in my arms as I cross the threshold
all dressed up in her new outfit
looking a right treat
bow in her hair and new white shoes

I love her so dearly
she is wonderful
funny and warm
loving and lively

she makes us all laugh out loud
with some of her antics
just beginning to string words together
'oh God' she cries in echo of us

we had better watch what we say now
she is picking up new words so fast
I advance, making my way between empty chairs
over to the corner where her friends already sit

not for long though
they spy Sarah and make a dash
all carrying presents of one size or another
Sarah is overwhelmed

the place is in chaos
trying to get all the kids sat down
Trish has done a great job
streamers, hats, masks, party games

she is a wonderful organiser
always makes an event memorable
Sarah's birthday, our wedding
or simply something small and special

for someone, which overjoys them and
makes their day
Trish is special herself that way
and I love her for it

She is lively and gorgeous
vivacious, sexy, an absolute dynamite
there she is organising the party
arranging all the kids

they play pin the tail on the donkey
I have a go and pin it mid-air
mothers sit and chatter like monkeys
as their kids laugh and play

the climax is the bananas cake
a beach scene on a chocolate sponge
Sarah sits as we all sing happy birthday
two lighted candles flickering a welcome

she takes a huge breath and blows
laughing with her cheeky face
the flames go out on both candles
My darling Sarah is two


Headache

bang, bang, bang
head thumping
I leave for work and slowly make for the train
head is in turmoil
sounds seem amplified
laughing and mocking
spirits sag as anger mounts
keep quiet ade
just bear it


Awake at last

the sun streams in the open window
lighting up the darkly painted kitchen
reflecting off cobwebs dangling in corners
spiders scurry and flurry from the intrusive light
I eat my toast blissfully unaware
steaming hot mug of tea looking me in the eye and winking
notify all next of kin father
stepping into the coffin like confessional
letting flood all buried emotions
'yes my child'
on and on it goes
you are no longer in control
it is
spewing up with desperation
chilling to the soul
free at last
you surrender
let it go
remove all the shackles
look dispassionately at all before you
good and bad treated the same
the hand claps
you are awake at last


Morning Alarm

a shrill shriek pierces the darkness
six am
time to get up
rolling over I hit the noxious alarm
lying back for a few minutes peace
I prop myself up on my arm gazing at Trish and Sarah
both sharing the bed with me
Sarah snuggled in the middle like a bug in a rug
she looks so peaceful
eyes closed fast asleep
I smile inwardly
bend over and brush her cheek with a kiss
my angel
Trish is staring up at me
a sleepy smile creeping across her face
we kiss and it feels good, warm and safe in bed with my family
snuggling up closer I shut my eyes
raaaa
bloody alarm again
I hit it and crawl under the covers once more hoping it is all a dream and I can
stay in bed
but of course it isn't


Fear grips my soul

I set off for work today at 7:30
a brisk walk in the cool morning
shivering in my new sports jacket
don't I look a treat in my new gear and 50 cents tie from the salvos
Givenchy I will have you know
no rubbish on me
I am in turmoil inside
fear grips me on all sides
I don't know what to do
my confidence is seeping away
body holed like a sieve
I cannot face the day
feel I cannot do anything
the thought of phoning someone making me curl up in terror
relax
let it all flow away
who is having these feelings
good and bad
it is I
but who is this I
search inside and ask the question
'who am I?'


21^st September - Sarah's birthday

it is wed 21^st of September
Sarah's second birthday
the real day to celebrate
although she has already had two parties
one at playgroup cake and all
another at Hungry Jacks with all her little playmates
streamers, hats and balloons, nuggets and chips, yet more cake
tonight it is a family affair
Trish, Sarah and I eating roast beef and veggies
Sarah using fork and spoon copying her mother and me
eating the carrots with relish crying out 'more', 'more'
the final birthday cake
a blueberry muffin with one candle in the top
more photos
a big breathe from Sarah
happy birthday sung once again
we love you Sarah and always will


Go into It

the sun came out to play
we chatted awhile
played chess
she beat me at draughts
cheated I think
my insides feel wrong
relax my child
I feel useless
let it go
look into it
observe it without fighting it
passively
no condemnation or judgement
don't sink into self recriminations
you are God
already perfect so accept it
be aware
no trying to change
no running from these feelings
or running towards pleasant ones
face them all, go into them and through them all you will
eventually transcend both of them and all opposites
seeing the Eternal Godhead you are now and always were.


Soul of the stars in my breast

I am what I am and so is everyone
play chess with your maker yourself
hold all the pieces, give none away
no winner and no loser
nothing happens yet all is within
I feel the soul of the stars in my breast because they are born there
in all of us
we are one and the same
I bow down to the man who can throw a spear further than me
right into my ribcage
tickles
sparrows flock around drinking up the blood of my sins
peace father for I have sinned
can I hold the sacrament just one more time my lord
I am only a humble sinner
yet in one human is the glories of the world
the love and splendour
tragedy, sorrow, pain and heartbreak
embrace them for they make us human
I fear them and they will pounce
put away fear and love them
love all with no personality for only then will one escape the wheel of life
have no thoughts of past or future or even the present
no thoughts of any kind, no plans, no desires, all thoughts
have none of any and be free.

---

Back to Ade's Poetry