A New Beginning
Part Four
Freedom
my mind is in turmoil
thoughts are invading
with no end
what can I do
nothing
I feel powerless
I want to do something
to stop the thoughts
but will it work
has it ever worked
your onw life is your model
brief moments of peace
after the heroin shot of comforting oneself
starting today
I'll control my mind
do this nad that
everything will be wonderful
but it never is
throughts seep through
before long things are as bad as ever
you take another shot of advice
I'll have a shower
wash away the past
start afresh
how many times have you done this
Is this poem one more wrong?
Does it ever work
you know it doesn't
there is no I
the illusion of the I is the root problem
talking to it
having the I try to change itself
is only feeding the I
feeding the root
leading around in a circle
there is nothing you can do
no I to change I
you are perfect already
stop trying
see this
you will be free
More and more
I am drinking more beer
vb in its little green bottles
more and more
more and more
head going crazy
forgetting what I am doing
more and more
more and more
I love it
hate myself the next day
wonder what I have done
promise never again as my head bangs
but soon it is gone
I feel right again
go to the shop
get some more vbs
off again
more and more
more and more
Painting
painting
slapping on the paint
going everywhere
canvas, table, arms, hands and clothes
enjoy
forget this, that and the other
let the Absolute guide you
shine through you
with joy and a smile on your face
The postbox eats
number 386 Buckley St
I passed you this morning on the bus
you had two cars parked in the drive
one white
nearest to your door
the other an off yellow
I remember the postbox
small and white
standing alone at the drive entrance
mouth open
eager for food
ever friendly with a fixed smile
waiting to pounce on any straying fingers
Daddy loves you
the walls came crumbling down
I looked and saw a focus of love
shinning brightly above
glistening and echoing a truth
only I saw
but who am I
nothing and everything
we are all one
the love of my life
Sarah
darling daughter
so precious
so beautiful
my heart aches with love for you
you are my lifeline
I love you Sarah
Suffice to say
cluttered cupboards
dishevelled blue checkerboards
antagonise at your leisure
relax in my pleasure
suffice to say
I rue the day
A night to remember
a night to remember
on the phones at the men's referral service
on my own
no partner
all calls would be handled by me
with the supervisor listening in
felt akward about that
Greg put me at ease
a nice bloke
easy to get along with
vey helpful
phones on at six
ten past and the first call
nervous as hell
fellow worried about his violence
hitting his girlfriend when jealous
recognising it as his own fault
positive desire to change
straightforward
referred him and hope he'll go
chatted about the call with Greg
receiving good feedback
pointers to things to watch for
kind of questions to ask
second call from a lady
worried about son-in-law
wife had kicked him out
physical, verbal and emotional abuse
Got lost off track
following the daughter and son-in-laws situation
forgetting the women
forgetting the caller
remember to work with the caller
hammered into us through the course
because her concerns did not seem to fit with family violence
service
I was thrown and lost the thread
what were the callers concerns
why is she so concerned about her son-in-law
eventually we did touch upon the area
her coming from a broken home
not wanting the same devastation she felt inflicted on her grandkids
took a long time coming
debrief very penetrating
as to why the call went off on a tangent
learning experience
finally another call from outside
man very angry about his drunken sister
her behaviour and the effect on the family
lost as to what to do
he had done all he could
taken her to a pyschiatrist
the police
other doctors
I could refer him nowhere
but felt good at the end
calmed him down
game him somewhere to vent his frustrations
and we ended on good terms
Dust the sky
see through the echoes of time
dust falling over a remote isle
awake my darling
wash away those tears
be happy I am here
garlanded with roses
starlight shining through my headdress
pulse quickening
kiss me
feel my desire
stop typing
my left hand aches
too much wanking
no I use the right hand for this
too much typing
but why is the right hand okay
left hand hurts like buggery
stop typing them
okay
Paintings and battlefields
a vase
a few lonely stems curving out
sat next to an odd glass
onion and a set of dice
watch the shapes
draw the outline
very general
use shading for effect
rub with your fingers
smudge the tight definition
all fading into each other
colour adds a gigantic feature
seeing the colours clash
fight
a phoenix emerging through the ashes
draped in a newly coloured coat
the intermingling of colours
filling clashing shapes
creates a battlefield on the canvas
close your mind
let the eye make love to the scene
To be free
watch Sarah dance
so free and happy
living in the moment
no thought for past or future
simply in the here and now
enjoying life to the full
experience truth with no cloak of illusion
they grow from innocence
cladding themselves each day
in a cloak of forgetfullness
a cloak of ignorance called the mind
the prison of the 'I'
we need to traverse the river
shed this cloak
emerge on the other side eternally free
a Buddha
Enlightened
there is no perfection to be attained
strived for
we are perfect already
see it now
not tommorrow
be free
forever
Free of Thoughts
the number 240 stares at me
stamped on an old locker
in the far end of the canteen
near the dining table
I sit alone writing and staring
an empty bowl
spotted with rice, dhal and bhuna
sits before me
spoon angling across the surface
perched on the side of the bowl
paper towel ready
but not used
to my right, steaming away
is my large blue cup of tea
very milky
I did not dunk the teabag long enough
another meal finished
went well
now I sit alone
free of thoughts
The echoing tavern
the drilling begins
holes forming in solid brick
metal ends spinning to devestating effect
I poke my finger in the hole
pull back
it is covered in dust
clothes soaked with sweat
my it is hot
I sound the alarm
no one comes
what can I do
more holes appear
oozing insects of horrifying shapes
I run for the exit
trapped by a falling boulder
crying out loud
echoing around the tavern
Eyes at the moon
the eyes smart and ache
I've been looking at the computer too long
what again
yes
how many times have you warned yourself
you were the health and safety rep for pete's sake
I know
you never listen
its addictive
pathetic
I sid down to do something
get hooked on netscape
surfing the internet
before long the morning has passed
eyes blister
take a break I cry
but continue regardless
I am a sucker for punishment
learn my friend
watch and be aware
you are your own worst enemy
Dying aint what its cracked up to be
the hand shakes as it grasps
a hot cup of tea. Spilling fragments of
the hot liquid down his arm
aargh
he shrieks
more in astonishment tha pain. Oblivious
to the looks of the other patrons in
the rundown café
ordering bacon butties with lashings
of fat, topped by a dribbling ocean
of black sauce
a waitress hurries over
'are you alright sir?'
he eyed her with a mocking smile
as she patted down his stained shirt
'there, there, it shouldn't stain. You
should be more careful'
he did not listen but gazed at her
undulating breasts, watching their rapid
up and down movement as the waitress
gasped out her words
she became silent and embarrassed
as she noticed his gaze, hurriedly
mopping up the liquid on the table
turning and rapidly scurrying for
the kitchen. He regarded his red
hand. Scolded
he felt no pain
he felt nothing at all
how could he
he had died two weeks ago
love yourself and have no guilt
so what it is june 1st
new beginning
what another one
you know now they are fucking useless
soon to be tested and found wanting
I will not do this until such and such a time
days later you do just that
guilt sets in and the downward spiral sets in once again
fuck it
fuck it all
stop giving yourself stupid ultimatums
no more
let yourself live without guilt
get pissed and do whatever
no guilt
no sin
they do not exist
let yourself be whatever god wills
whatever spontaneously you do
no thought to the past ever
no thought of the future
no planning
just here and now
god living through you
I am god
you are god
I am you and you are me and we are god.
Love yourself no matter what
the greatest good
the most heinous crime
does not matter
all an illusion of the mind
kick hating yourself
love yourself no matter what
rich and living in a mansion
poor, having been kicked out by wife and forgotten by children
for being a drunken bastard
love yourself
no more thoughts in the short term
no more thoughts of good or evil
no such thing
no saints and no sinners
I forgive myself everything
no guilt, no past, no future, no plans
just me
here and now
god and all
nothing good
nothing bad
just is
a world of illusion waiting to fall
participate in that fall by having no 'I'
no matter what think of nothing
love yourself and have no guilt
Free
a cancer appeared and devoured my mind
free of thought I saw the truth
not with the mind
or the brain
for both had gone
just saw it and was free
Truth Dawning
I look at the world
what do I see
turmoil
what can we do
what can we change
what makes up the world
us
you and I
don't blame anyone else for the state of things
there is no anyone else
only us
we are all responsible for the state of the world
accept it
don't hide
saying 'nothing to do with me mate'
'what could I do'
it is your fault
it is all our faults because we are all there is
but what could I do you ask
accepting your responsibility is a first step
'I,m not the government'
'its their job'
to do what
change what
centuries have passed with different governments
democracy and communism
nothing has changed
we all know that
you cannot change systems whilst people remain the same
nothing will change
history is our teacher on that score
'okay so govts are useless'
'changing laws and society is useless whilst people stay the same'
'it is people who need to change'
'but how can I change others??'
you can't
why should you even try
why attempt pulling at a log in somebody elses eye
when you have a tree in your own
forget others
you will never be able to change them
'I think I am gettting it'
'I have to change myself. But how?'
through good works
meditation
what?
All those are good but what are you trying to change
myself like you said
but is this 'myself'
me, the human in front of you, I
so you are trying to change the I
yes
who is trying to change the I
I am
so the I is trying to change the I
trying to change itself
yes
do you think it can?
I don't know
it can't
because it is the mistaken illusion that you are the I which is
causing all the trouble
the I is the root of the problem
all problems in the world
asking it to change itself
is like asking the thief to be a policeman in order to catch himself
it will not work
the I is the problem since it is only an illusion
but so strong an illusion that it
rules and ruins our lifes
the only way tohelp ourselves and the world
which are one and the same
is to get rid of the I though
how?
Not by trying to change
since who is acting but the I
trying to change itself again
this only strengthens the I
strenghtens the illusion
so not by fighting the I
who is doing the fighting
the I again
apparently fighting itself
but in truth only strenghtening itself
'it seems there is nothing I can do'
true
'but if that is the case, how hopeless'
no
because as soon as you reduce the illusion of the I
realise there is nothing you can do
realise it not with the mind
for the mind and I are partners in the illusion
the jail that is holding you
realise it deep within your true self
for want of a better description
as soon as you realise there is nothing you can do
you surrender
let go
stop fighting spontaneously
not over time but there and then when you realise the truth
at this moment the mind, the I
ceases to have any hold on you
the person will cease to exist
because they never ever existed really
they were only an illusion fuelled by our constant fighting to
change
once we realise we cannot change
we cannot do anything
we give up fighting
surrender completely
at that moment we are free
in peace
the mind and I have no hold anymore
they disapear like a mirage
we are whole again
what is left with the mind and I gone is the truth
glorious and eternal
perfect
no past, no future, not even any now
no time, no distance, no seperation
no one or money
simply existing
this is what you must realise
not by trying with the mind
simply listen to what is being said
let it sink in
free from thoughts, comparisons and questions
be aware
the truth will dawn spontaneously
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