My big sister Frieda already had an old set of boyfriends, the ones that dobbed you into your parents if you tried to get fresh with them. Mine at least had simple built-in vomit release if you attempted to kiss them - they weren't like Frieda's sad set of antiques, so I was pretty rapt. My Mums and Dads are very old-fashioned so I knew I wasn't going to get Advanced Girlfriends, or Going Steady Eddies, the ones that belly dance AND wrestle! Frieda was furious of course. She had stopped going out because her boyfriends were a constant embarrassment. Obsoletes. So that was why she did what she did I guess. Out of pure jealousy. She set up my beautiful girlfriends and got them all de-programmed.

I was doing my homework with gorgeous Martha, who had among her many desirable attributes, an optional grammar checker, when there was a knock on my door. The other girlfriends were all sleeping, so I opened it quietly and it was Holden: dream guy circa 2041 and one of Frieda's less successful friends. He was programmed to conduct a lovers' tiff, but just the one. So they had the same pathetic fight which always ended with her throwing shoes at him as he walked out of her life. Very boring but what can you expect from something that's three years old. Then I saw all the others. They were standing at my door in their '40s fashion and smiling like their dreams have come true. I knew what they wanted.