Gamma Project Newsletter


The Gamma Project Newsletter is produced bi-annualy by
The Australian Bisexual Men's Association Incorporated.
Editor: Russell Oke
February 2012 Edition


"From the Editors Desk"  Female Partner's
Female Partner's Support Group

Disclosure of Sexuality
Evaluation of Projects



 



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From the Editor's Desk


Welcome to the February 2012 edition of our newsletter.

Welcome to the first newsletter for 2012. On behalf of the project team I wish you all a happy and safe New Year.
In this issue we look at issues for female partners of bisexual men, disclosure of sexuality and who rang us in 2011.
We are introducing a trial female partner support group; the details of the group are included in the newsletter.
The Health Department will be conducting a review of best practice in health promotion for bisexual men early this year.
Once this review is completed a decision on the project’s future will be made. In the meantime we will continue our service as usual.


In this edition we are looking at:


Christine Weber – Project Officer
The Franklin Centre
1B Hamilton Street
Mont Albert 3127
VIC

The next edition of the Gamma Project Newsletter will be issued at the end of June 2012


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Female Partner


 
Women are often unaware of their male’s partners same sex attraction, as men can be quite hesitant to disclose their sexuality to their partner. They mainly keep their sexual identity a secret as they often haven’t come to terms with their inclination themselves and might experience personal shame as well as being concerned with being judged or possibly rejected by their female partner and others. However, if the male partner is transparent at the beginning of the relationship about his sexual identity the female partner usually isn’t overly concerned. This attitude can change once a long-term relationship is developing or commitment is made and the female partner becomes quite apprehensive, how his sexual identity might affect the long-term relationship. His sexuality is either reason enough to end the relationship or to hesitantly continue the relationship hoping that their partner’s attraction relates to them as a person with no preference for one gender over another and that they are able to meet his sexual needs within the relationship. Whilst this in some cases might be true, it often can be far more complicated than that. Trying to categorise our male client group we could say they predominantly fall into the following three categories:


Women, who discover their partner are sexually attracted to men, seek counselling to understand how this profound discovery will impact on their life, their relationship or their family and how to cope with their often quite contrary feelings. At the early stage after the discovery lots of women try to make the relationship work – they try and find solutions. Many women try to work at the relationship for one to a few years. For women this often involves thinking through the issues, getting in touch with their needs and wants and, ideally, finding support for themselves. They experience a range of confused feelings such as anger, hurt, relief, betrayal and loss. Initially they may also feel a sense of relief as they have finally discovered and understood the real reason for their relationship issues. This often is followed by a sense of feeling completely isolated; ashamed of the situation they find themselves in and unable to share their experience with anyone except the professional counsellor. It is important to them to protect themselves and most importantly their partner from the subtle or obvious homophobia they expect from their friends - they therefore often feel stuck and unable to move and overwhelmed by the circumstances and uncertainty what this awareness means for their future. Everything that seemed set – suddenly has fallen apart.

Female partners quite easily take on the role of the caregiver in the family. It comes naturally to them to put their own needs last and to take care of everyone else. Over time they become more and more unaware of whom they are as a person, independent of the system they belong to. Having lost a great deal of their personal identity adds to the feeling of being trapped. It is difficult for them to access their own needs and they might experience a distressing sense of internal emptiness. An essential part of their personal process is, to reclaim their sense of self, independent of their relationship, which generally provides direction and helps them to withstand and combat the threat they are facing.
Even though they feel betrayed, it is usually quite difficult for them to access the anger they have stored towards their spouse. Before they are able to get in touch with their rage they generally blame themselves. They see themselves as a failure unable to fulfil their partner’s needs or they criticize themselves for taking a passive stance for far too long and not having found out earlier. Once the initial shock settles usually the underlying anger emerges. They feel angry for being robbed of the choice to decide, if they wanted to enter into such a relationship or not and often feel their whole relationship was a lie. If the anger is not dealt with, women usually will find it difficult to enter into a new trusting relationship with another male partner.
Some women continue and accept the relationship without any problems but most women while they appear to accept their partner’s sexuality and also consider various options to allow for their male’s partner sexuality in their relationship will require a relationship for themselves which doesn’t include any form of sex outside of the relationship.

Christine



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Female Partner's Support Group


Our counselling service is running a female partner’s of bisexual men support group starting Monday 30 April to address the continuing challenges female partners are facing.

The female support group is:
•    facilitated by a professional counsellor
•    held weekly and is running for six sessions. The aim is for group members to attend all six sessions.
•    focusing on issues and difficulties female partners are facing

A group approach:
•    can help you change unhelpful thoughts or behaviours
•    provides a safe and confidential space.
•    allows you to work with other group members to develop a stronger sense of self
•    helps you understand that others are going through similar dilemmas
•    gives you support from others in the group
•    allows you to discuss options and life choices that work for you

You may feel apprehensive and uncomfortable about joining a group and talking about yourself. However, our facilitator is trained to monitor, give feedback, and help the group work through difficult issues.

Costs
No fees apply

Contact us
If you are interested in participating in the female partner’s support group, please make a booking, or if you would like further information, please contact our counselling service.
Phone: (03) 9899 0509
Email: gpnews@vicnet.net.au

Location
1B Hamilton St
Mont Albert

Time
Monday, 5.30 – 7.00 PM




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To Tell or not to Tell
 


One of the most common questions we get on Gammaline is should I tell my partner about my sexuality.
The project has no policy on disclosure and we believe that it is the choice of each person wether they disclose or not. However we do encourage disclosure in cases of STI and HIV infection, as partners may not be aware of a sexual health problem and also to ensure that both receive correct medical treatment.
The majority of our male clients report that their female partner is not aware of their men’s same sex attraction. While the majority of our female clients contact us once their partner has disclosed their sexuality or they have discovered it.
Over the years there has been a small increase in the numbers of men disclosing their sexuality to their female partners mostly in the under 25 age group before commencing a relationship. However the majority of men still choose not to disclose. Men usually disclose for the following reasons:
  1. A growing awareness of a sexual attraction towards men and as their female partner is their main support person, she is often the first person to discuss the issue with.
  2. Men who have been sexually active with men and want to be “honest” with their partner as they feel guilty over their sexuality.
  3. Men who are active with men and want to continue male-male sex but want their partner to know what is happening.
  4. Men who are unhappy in their relationship and believe the only problem in the relationship is their sexuality and disclosure will improve the relationship.
  5. Men who have formed an emotional relationship with another man and wish to leave their current relationship
  6. Men who discover that they are really homosexual and wish to form a “gay” lifestyle
  7. Men who have become infected with STI or HIV and advised their partner of their infection.
  8. Men who fear that someone who is aware of their sexuality will disclose to their partner before they do.
In our experience the most common form of disclosure are by accidents, such as leaving sauna cards, porn or phone numbers in places where partners find them. Running up high landline or mobile telephone bills is an increasing common accident, as is leaving websites or site visits visible on the computer.
Should a man inform his partner of his sexuality we suggest the following:
  1. Be clear about what you want to say, confused statements often lead to more confusion.
  2. Try and understand if the male-male need is emotional or sexual. Many men believe their male-male sexuality is sexual in nature only, while most women believe there is a strong emotional need when people have sex.
  3. Try not to justify the sexuality as this usually leads to more confusion and anger.
  4. Do not use the disclosure as a confession, while the partner may encourage honesty, the impact of graphic details can have a negative effect on them.
  5. Choose a time when your partner has the time and energy to listen and also limit the discussion to avoid burnout
  6. Think about the day of your disclosure, dose it have special meaning to your partner, Christmas, wedding anniversaries or birthdays are not the days to pick.
  7. Ensure you have resources for your partner to contact should she need counselling or information.
  8. You can’t control the disclosure once the information is given. You may suggest certain people not be informed, but your partner may disagree.
  9. Do not assume your partner will end the relationship and throw you out. Most of the partners we speak to try and understand their partner’s sexuality and look at options to maintain the relationship.
  10. If you have decided to leave, then don’t go through the pretence of staying e.g. doing counselling, looking at options, as this can only cause more pain in the long term
  11. Try and have neutral support for yourself. It is always important to remember that disclosure can have a big impact on yours and your partner’s lives – think carefully about this and never feel forced into disclosing.



Russell

 


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Call Sheets Evaluation :  July 2010 - June 2011


This breakdown of the clients and their needs is very rough but does give an indication of the issues and clients of the project.

Number of records used 177 (Includes both telephone and face-to-face sessions)

Genders BI/Gay     Men      
109

Female Partners   
          
         
          
           

11

Family Members
3

Bi Females
1

Heterosexual Males 4

Heterosexual Females
2
Locations
Melbourne 36

Rural
26

Interstate
1
Martial Status (Men)
Married
35

Single
26
Female Partners aware of Partners Homosexuality

8
Transvestite / Transexual

2
CALD

7
Age Groups
20-29
11

30-39
2

40-49
14

50+
12
Sexually Active Men
with Females
45

with Males
34

wants Males
15
Male Sexual Contacts
Beats
8

Saunas
12

Sex Workers
2
M/M Sexual Activity
Oral Sex
17

Anal Sex
2

Safe Sex
1

Masturbation
8
High Risk of STI Infection

2
High Risk of HIV Infection

1
Infection with Pubic Lice

1
Infection with N.S.U.

1
Infection with Herpes

1
Information requested
Safe Sex
8

HIV/AIDS
11

HIV Testing
4

STI Testing
5

Support Groups
14
Services
Counselling
34

Repeat Clients Counselling / Information Sessions
57

Couples Counselling
2

Information (General)
86



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