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Gamma Project Newsletter
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The Gamma Project Newsletter is produced bi-annualy by
The Australian Bisexual Men's Association Incorporated.
Editor: Russell Oke
February 2012 Edition
From the Editor's Desk
Welcome to the February 2012 edition of our newsletter.
Welcome to the first newsletter for 2012. On behalf of the project team
I wish you all a happy and safe New Year.
In this issue we look at issues for female partners of bisexual men, disclosure
of sexuality and who rang us in 2011.
We are introducing a trial female partner support group; the details of
the group are included in the newsletter.
The Health Department will be conducting a review of best practice in health
promotion for bisexual men early this year.
Once this review is completed a decision on the project’s future will be
made. In the meantime we will continue our service as usual.
In this edition we are looking at:
- Female Partner's
- Femaler Pertner's Support Group
- Disclosure of Sexuality
- Evaluation of Projects
Christine Weber – Project Officer
The Franklin Centre
1B Hamilton Street
Mont Albert 3127
VIC
The next edition of the Gamma Project
Newsletter will be issued at the end of June 2012
Return to Contents Page
Female Partner
Women are often unaware of their male’s partners same sex attraction, as
men can be quite hesitant to disclose their sexuality to their partner. They
mainly keep their sexual identity a secret as they often haven’t come to
terms with their inclination themselves and might experience personal shame
as well as being concerned with being judged or possibly rejected by their
female partner and others. However, if the male partner is transparent at
the beginning of the relationship about his sexual identity the female partner
usually isn’t overly concerned. This attitude can change once a long-term
relationship is developing or commitment is made and the female partner becomes
quite apprehensive, how his sexual identity might affect the long-term relationship.
His sexuality is either reason enough to end the relationship or to hesitantly
continue the relationship hoping that their partner’s attraction relates
to them as a person with no preference for one gender over another and that
they are able to meet his sexual needs within the relationship. Whilst this
in some cases might be true, it often can be far more complicated than that.
Trying to categorise our male client group we could say they predominantly
fall into the following three categories:
- Men who describe themselves as bisexual and who generally have been
in a long-term relationship with a female partner. They might not be aware
of their sexual identity at the start of the relationship as this part of
them often reveals itself at a later stage in life. They generally seek to
maintain the well established and often so cherished companionship they have
with their female partner, describing her as their best friend. They present
the relationship as solid and functional and often describe their sexual
engagement with other men, as purely a sexual experience satisfying their
sexual needs with no emotional attachment at all, separate and not in conflict
to the relationship. Their coming out is commonly instigated by their female
partner who often sooner or later stumbles over their well kept secret.
- Another group also identifies as bisexual. In contrast to the client
group mentioned above this client group goes beyond a mere sexual encounter
and develops an emotional attachment to often one particular lover or has
a need for male emotional contact. They experience the encounter to be in
conflict with their current heterosexual relationship. Internal and external
homophobia plus the fear of jeopardizing their current relationship often
can be an obstacle that stops them from fully engaging in a new lifestyle.
- The third group are men who identify as being gay and who are in a
relationship with a female mainly due to family, social, cultural or religious
pressure. After many years of a relationship which they largely describe
as unsatisfying for both parties they hope to end this incompatible liaison
and seek support for this challenging transition to a man-man relationship
or a gay lifestyle.
Women, who discover their partner are sexually attracted to men, seek counselling
to understand how this profound discovery will impact on their life, their
relationship or their family and how to cope with their often quite contrary
feelings. At the early stage after the discovery lots of women try to make
the relationship work – they try and find solutions. Many women try to work
at the relationship for one to a few years. For women this often involves
thinking through the issues, getting in touch with their needs and wants
and, ideally, finding support for themselves. They experience a range of
confused feelings such as anger, hurt, relief, betrayal and loss. Initially
they may also feel a sense of relief as they have finally discovered and
understood the real reason for their relationship issues. This often is followed
by a sense of feeling completely isolated; ashamed of the situation they
find themselves in and unable to share their experience with anyone except
the professional counsellor. It is important to them to protect themselves
and most importantly their partner from the subtle or obvious homophobia
they expect from their friends - they therefore often feel stuck and unable
to move and overwhelmed by the circumstances and uncertainty what this awareness
means for their future. Everything that seemed set – suddenly has fallen
apart.
Female partners quite easily take on the role of the caregiver in the family.
It comes naturally to them to put their own needs last and to take care of
everyone else. Over time they become more and more unaware of whom they are
as a person, independent of the system they belong to. Having lost a great
deal of their personal identity adds to the feeling of being trapped. It
is difficult for them to access their own needs and they might experience
a distressing sense of internal emptiness. An essential part of their personal
process is, to reclaim their sense of self, independent of their relationship,
which generally provides direction and helps them to withstand and combat
the threat they are facing.
Even though they feel betrayed, it is usually quite difficult for them to
access the anger they have stored towards their spouse. Before they are able
to get in touch with their rage they generally blame themselves. They see
themselves as a failure unable to fulfil their partner’s needs or they criticize
themselves for taking a passive stance for far too long and not having found
out earlier. Once the initial shock settles usually the underlying anger
emerges. They feel angry for being robbed of the choice to decide, if they
wanted to enter into such a relationship or not and often feel their whole
relationship was a lie. If the anger is not dealt with, women usually will
find it difficult to enter into a new trusting relationship with another
male partner.
Some women continue and accept the relationship without any problems but
most women while they appear to accept their partner’s sexuality and also
consider various options to allow for their male’s partner sexuality in their
relationship will require a relationship for themselves which doesn’t include
any form of sex outside of the relationship.
Christine
Return to Contents Page
Female Partner's Support Group
Our counselling service is running a female partner’s of bisexual men support
group starting Monday 30 April to address the continuing challenges female
partners are facing.
The female support group is:
• facilitated by a professional counsellor
• held weekly and is running for six sessions. The aim
is for group members to attend all six sessions.
• focusing on issues and difficulties female partners are
facing
A group approach:
• can help you change unhelpful thoughts or behaviours
• provides a safe and confidential space.
• allows you to work with other group members to develop
a stronger sense of self
• helps you understand that others are going through similar
dilemmas
• gives you support from others in the group
• allows you to discuss options and life choices that work
for you
You may feel apprehensive and uncomfortable about joining a group and talking
about yourself. However, our facilitator is trained to monitor, give feedback,
and help the group work through difficult issues.
Costs
No fees apply
Contact us
If you are interested in participating in the female partner’s support group,
please make a booking, or if you would like further information, please contact
our counselling service.
Phone: (03) 9899 0509
Email: gpnews@vicnet.net.au
Location
1B Hamilton St
Mont Albert
Time
Monday, 5.30 – 7.00 PM
Return to Contents Page
To Tell or not to Tell
One of the most common questions we get on Gammaline is should I tell my
partner about my sexuality.
The project has no policy on disclosure and we believe that it is the choice
of each person wether they disclose or not. However we do encourage disclosure
in cases of STI and HIV infection, as partners may not be aware of a sexual
health problem and also to ensure that both receive correct medical treatment.
The majority of our male clients report that their female partner is not
aware of their men’s same sex attraction. While the majority of our female
clients contact us once their partner has disclosed their sexuality or they
have discovered it.
Over the years there has been a small increase in the numbers of men disclosing
their sexuality to their female partners mostly in the under 25 age group
before commencing a relationship. However the majority of men still choose
not to disclose. Men usually disclose for the following reasons:
- A growing awareness of a sexual attraction towards men and as their
female partner is their main support person, she is often the first person
to discuss the issue with.
- Men who have been sexually active with men and want to be “honest”
with their partner as they feel guilty over their sexuality.
- Men who are active with men and want to continue male-male sex but
want their partner to know what is happening.
- Men who are unhappy in their relationship and believe the only problem
in the relationship is their sexuality and disclosure will improve the relationship.
- Men who have formed an emotional relationship with another man and
wish to leave their current relationship
- Men who discover that they are really homosexual and wish to form a
“gay” lifestyle
- Men who have become infected with STI or HIV and advised their partner
of their infection.
- Men who fear that someone who is aware of their sexuality will disclose
to their partner before they do.
In our experience the most common form of disclosure are by accidents, such
as leaving sauna cards, porn or phone numbers in places where partners find
them. Running up high landline or mobile telephone bills is an increasing
common accident, as is leaving websites or site visits visible on the computer.
Should a man inform his partner of his sexuality we suggest the following:
- Be clear about what you want to say, confused statements often lead
to more confusion.
- Try and understand if the male-male need is emotional or sexual. Many
men believe their male-male sexuality is sexual in nature only, while most
women believe there is a strong emotional need when people have sex.
- Try not to justify the sexuality as this usually leads to more confusion
and anger.
- Do not use the disclosure as a confession, while the partner may encourage
honesty, the impact of graphic details can have a negative effect on them.
- Choose a time when your partner has the time and energy to listen and
also limit the discussion to avoid burnout
- Think about the day of your disclosure, dose it have special meaning
to your partner, Christmas, wedding anniversaries or birthdays are not the
days to pick.
- Ensure you have resources for your partner to contact should she need
counselling or information.
- You can’t control the disclosure once the information is given. You
may suggest certain people not be informed, but your partner may disagree.
- Do not assume your partner will end the relationship and throw you
out. Most of the partners we speak to try and understand their partner’s
sexuality and look at options to maintain the relationship.
- If you have decided to leave, then don’t go through the pretence of
staying e.g. doing counselling, looking at options, as this can only cause
more pain in the long term
- Try and have neutral support for yourself. It is always important to
remember that disclosure can have a big impact on yours and your partner’s
lives – think carefully about this and never feel forced into disclosing.
Russell
Return to Contents Page
Call Sheets Evaluation : July 2010 - June 2011
This breakdown of the clients and their needs is very rough but does give
an indication of the issues and clients of the project.
Number of records used 177 (Includes both telephone and face-to-face sessions)
| Genders |
BI/Gay Men
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109
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Female Partners
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11
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Family Members
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3
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|
Bi Females
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1
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|
Heterosexual Males |
4
|
|
Heterosexual Females
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2
|
Locations
|
Melbourne |
36
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|
Rural
|
26
|
|
Interstate
|
1
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Martial Status (Men)
|
Married
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35
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Single
|
26
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Female Partners aware of Partners Homosexuality
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|
8
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Transvestite / Transexual
|
|
2
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CALD
|
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7
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Age Groups
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20-29
|
11
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30-39
|
2
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40-49
|
14
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50+
|
12
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Sexually Active Men
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with Females
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45
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with Males
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34
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wants Males
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15
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Male Sexual Contacts
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Beats
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8
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Saunas
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12
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Sex Workers
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2
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M/M Sexual Activity
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Oral Sex
|
17
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Anal Sex
|
2
|
|
Safe Sex
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1
|
|
Masturbation
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8
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High Risk of STI Infection
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|
2
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High Risk of HIV Infection
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|
1
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Infection with Pubic Lice
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|
1
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Infection with N.S.U.
|
|
1
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Infection with Herpes
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1
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Information requested
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Safe Sex
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8
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HIV/AIDS
|
11
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HIV Testing
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4
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STI Testing
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5
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Support Groups
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14
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Services
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Counselling
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34
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Repeat Clients Counselling / Information
Sessions
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57
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Couples Counselling
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2
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Information (General)
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86
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